Meeting online person

Hey.

I'm on an online dating site and when it comes time to meet the women i usually back off and make excuses.

For some reason i feel like i'm being stupid by pursuing this and will only chat with them on-line. When they want to meet me in person I make excuses. For some reason i feel normal having a online relationship, but i would feel silly having a face to face relationship.

Part of the reason I think is because i've never had a girlfriend before. I also recently became unemployed.

Should i be looking for a relationship or not?

Discuss?

I understand what you are saying, just remember that they are a real person and people meet online all the time. Just be safe about it! Don't feel silly, it's about the same as meeting someone in a coffee shop!

Meeting someone in a coffee shop would make me feel silly too . . . i don't care that i met her online, it's just continuing off line that makes me feel weird. I don't stand anybody up but i continue to dodge that part of it.

I think it's okay to have a online relationship. I've had a online relationship before. I spoke to someone online for a couple of weeks and then I finally met him face to face and we were shy but in the end we were girlfriend and boyfriend. There's nothing wrong about online relationships as long you know who the person is. Not everyone on the internet is a rapist or murderer. I have met loads of nice people online. To be honest, foreign people are much better than people I know here. You may have to be careful, if you're going to meet her, you should bring a friend with you just for support. I think you should look for a relationship. I know people can say lies and fake who they are but I recongise a pervert or something odd when I talk to them. Online relationships isn't all doom and gloom as people say. I've watched videos online where people have chatted online and actually met face to face and were in love.

I understand not wanting to meet people in person. I feel a lot like that as well. For me the dynamics of the relationship change when you meet face to face and the responsibility of the relationship becomes much greater. I don't have the energy or "mental state" to maintain relationships at this point.

Online gives me some securtiy, it illiminates a lot of impromptu behaviour and unexpected events... It feels like I have more control over the relationship online than in real life. And the loss of a friend online is a little less significant for me than the loss of a friend that I see everyday. Another thing that I like is that with online relationships is much easier to ignore those little things that you might not like about someone, you can just imagine something in its place!

All in all, it's easier for me to make and maintain friendships online but I do admit that having only online relationships is not healthy. We are made to physically (and I'm not talking about doing the nasty) experience each other, i.e. seeing someone, touching someone, hearing them etc...

IMHO online romatic relationships are fine, but someday you are going to meet someone really special and then you should make the effort to meet them in person, even if you are scared to do it. Use the internet as a kind of filtering system, but don't limit yourself to this kind of contact because I think you will miss out on a lot...

This is very close to what I wanted to express in my opening post. I can relate to all of it.

I think the reason I would feel 'silly' is because I don't see myself as that sort of person. I am always imagining what other people would think if they found out I was seeing a woman. I'd be embarassed if they found out.

I think it's good to know yourself well enough to understand this about yourself.

I also think if you're on an online dating site where the point is to actually get to a time where you are supposed to meet in person, you may be giving people unrealistic expectations.

It's always easier to keep things to online, or even the phone, the challenge is to meet someone in person. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready, but don't lead someone on who might be...but you might be missing out on something wonderful...and she is missing out on something wonderful too.

And why are you worried about what others think about you dating?

I met my husband through an online dating site. We've been together going on seven years now and are very happy. We corresponded and chatted online and talked on the phone for over a month before meeting. The meeting was beyond either of our expectations and here we are.

Before that though, I met half a dozen people who didn't work out. I always met them at the mall food court so that if they didn't show I wouldn't feel nuts, and so that security would always be nearby.

I learned that people can be very different in person than they seem online. I enjoyed meeting people in person and was never rude, but the main benefit of it was that I was able to weed them out fast, whereas if we'd have kept up the online stuff I'd be tied up longer with a person who wasn't right for me.

Honestly, most of them were doing 'girlfriend' interviews. Asked me lots of questions, wrote down the answers, it was kind of weird. I rarely got a word in edgewise. My husband was the first one who liked to have real conversations. So if you decide to meet these women, try to be yourself and not act like you're interviewing someone for a job! Try to just relax and listen for at least half the time.

Good luck to you! It can work. My daughter also met her husband online at a dating site, and they are expecting the first child now.

BTW I told my husband about my psych issues (PTSD w/ major depression) early on so he could back out if he wanted to, and he did not. He's been a real lifeline and my best friend when times get tough with that.

Great post - i had a lot of very good experiences with online dating as well - sometimes I was the one doing the "interviewing" because I interview people for a living and was really trying to weed people out. Asking a lot of questions IS being myself !
When I was planning my wedding and using a forum to help me, a LOT of the women on there had met their husbands on line - it's a great tool for getting to know people.

I can relate to this - I chat to men on-line and I can be witty, funny, chatty, but I am absolutely terrified of the meeting face to face bit.

I can't see that just meeting women online over and over will ultimately be enough for you; the other person who wants to meet you is going to get bored/annoyed/disappointed after awhile of your not wanting to meet them; I think the dating sites are mostly for dating :-) If I just wanted to meet nice people I'd hang around places like PsychCentral and get to know people online in depth as they're sort of set up for that purpose whereas the dating sites are so people can meet others face-to-face and facilitate a relationship in person.

Do you still have this girlfriend?
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=175163

Well Illegal,

What you are doing is standing at the edge of a pool on a very hot day and all you can manage to do is put your toe in and ponder about wether to jump in and actually enjoy the pool.

But what you are thinking of is just jumping in the deep end and that is not the way to start any relationship.

You don't have to start by jumping in the deep end, you could take your time and enter by the stairs in the lower end and wander out a little at a time. And, as most do, you get to the point where you deside that you have waded enough and you just dive in.

When you meet someone online in a type of dating service you do converse with them and you seem to enjoy that part. So you have at least started to wade in that shallow end of the pool.

Most of your hesitant feelings are because you are projecting much farther down the road instead of just wading in a little at a time. And I am sure you are jumping ahead by thinking about what if she doesn't like me or visa versa? But you are never going to know anything or learn anything without taking the next step. No one is saying that you are making any more of a commitment when you actually meet face to face. One of the best ways to meet a person is to plan on an activity that you can do together so that you are not sitting across from that person and in a forced situation where you now have to perform something that you are not sure of which intails getting past that awkward feeling and actually conversing.

One thing that you can look for is a person who is outgoing and will be willing to plan an event that the two of you can share. You remind me of a boyfriend that my daughter had where she would talk with him on the phone and really struggle with his silence. She came to me and expressed her great difficulty handling that awkward time. So my answer to her was that before she got on the phone make a list of various topics she could bring up to share with him to initiate conversation. So, liking that idea my daughter took my advice and that young man learned how to talk to a girl on the phone. For years he called her on every birthday and wished her happy birthday, it was so sweet. He learned from her how to break the ice and actually talk to a girl on the phone. And by the way, that advice can be used by you as well. You could plan various topics to discuss in an actual meeting instead of sitting with a what to talk about mode.

Illegal you have to learn how to become a more assertive person and you have not really learned that yet. You stumble with too much selfconsciousness and you tend to wait for rejection. In another thread you talked about job hunting and your projecting a type of failure anger mode.
What that means is that no one has ever been there to take you by the hand and show you how to do it and encourage you in each attempt to engage. Well, here I am, and I know you can learn how to do it. You just havent learned the skills yet, thats all. And you know what? It isn't really as hard as you think. My business has taught me that and I have been amazed at how people can be so responsive to an assertive interaction. Ofcourse it will take you time to master it, but PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

Here is a good thing to read that the Byz put up in another post, could be something good for you to read, I am going to read it myself.

It is called Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ase...SR00042/METHOD

You have to give yourself a chance Illegal, your a good looking man and you just need the polishing, not something everyone just has, it takes time and effort. Remember, you have to do the work to jump into life.

Also a planned activity could include taking a short course on how to cook something or go to a lecture or something along those lines. The focus should be taken off a situation where you are sitting alone "In a coffee shop example" where you are both put on the spot. Remember the wading in. Get your local paper and look up activities and possible one night lectures or learning session etc. that you and the woman could go and do an activity together.

Hope that will help, I would like to see that handsome man in that picture get out and live.
I hate to put it this way but I think the Illegaltoilet needs to flush the crap away.

I just want to add that this link to this way of becoming more assertive can be very useful to many as we all deal with trying to improve our communication skills and work on our own sense of self esteem. We have to be willing to learn and as the Byz has said may times "Be willing to do the WORK ourselves".

Open Eyes