[Brianna84]

My partner of nearly three years is out of town working for the summer. Over the last two years that we've been living together, he has taken on role of father to my son. My son is also out of town this month visiting his grandfather. It's been years since I've had this much time to myself. I've been trying to take advantage of my temporary freedom as well as staving off the loneliness by doing more thugs for myself. One of those things has been going out with my friends and sister.

This lack of responsibility has fostered a lack of self-control that I haven't experienced since college. A couple of weekends ago, I went out with friends and had a few too many. An old friend of mine (with whom I have ancient history) kissed me and I kissed him back. But it didn't last long and I stopped it and ran away and felt terrible. I told my boyfriend about it the next day and he wasn't happy but he forgave me and I promised it wouldn't happen again and things were going fine.

Until this last weekend that is. My sister and I went out of town for a mini-vacation. Saturday night, I again had way too many and blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was performing oral sex on a stranger. Again, I felt terrible and told my boyfriend about it the next day. This time he was very hurt and angry and he broke up with me. He says it may or may not be temporary. We have a date talk on Saturday morning. I am going to where he is for my own vacation. This has been planned for months and it breaks my heart that all the time we were going to spend together and the recharging we were going to have to prepare us for another two months apart is now impossible.

I realize I have a drinking problem in that sometimes I lose control and don't stop when I should. Usually I do, but sometimes I don't. I'm going to work on that and I've told him. I think some of my behavior can be attributed to loneliness. I haven't seen my partner in two months and I believe I may be falling into my old habits of hooking up just to alleviate the loneliness, however briefly. I haven't behaved like this since college and I. thought I had changed e apparently there are still some latent bad behaviors lurking in there. I'm not trying to make excuses, I know what I did was wrong and I can't even begin to describe how miserable I feel about it. I'm sure this will go down as one of my biggest regrets.

What I'm asking for here are some tips, especially from men who have been able to repair such a relationship, for helping my boyfriend to find forgiveness. I have apologized and I even begged him not to leave me when he first broke up with me. I will not beg. I've been le again; I have to preserve a shred a dignity. We have this talk scheduled and I'm wondering what he might ask and how I should respond. I think he may ask for details of the incident. Should I give them to him (to the best of my recollection)? There is one particulary damaging detail I'm not sure he needs to know... (ie. the incident occurred in a stairwell in an apartment building). But I want to ease his pain as much as possible and if full disclosure is the way to do that, I'll do it. I have been trying to give him space even though I really want to call him and apologize some more and plead with him to take me back, because I think space is what heneedz. I only text him when he texts me first.

Anny advice would be appreciated.

[Gilead]

Think trust rather than forgiveness. Can he trust you when you tell him "I'm not going to drink anymore"?

[Brianna84]

I'm not going to promise to never drink again, that is too much and I'd eventually break that promise. But I am going to work on setting limits and sticking to them. I am capable of that... will he be able to trust that I am, I don't know.

[Silent_tsol]

Speaking as someone who was in your bf's shoes not so long ago. I agree with Gilead, you should work on showing that you can be worthy of trust. If you stay together, forgiveness is something that he'll need to work on for himself.

"What I'm asking for here are some tips, especially from men who have been able to repair such a relationship, for helping my boyfriend to find forgiveness. I have apologized and I even begged him not to leave me when he first broke up with me. I will not beg. I've been le again; I have to preserve a shred a dignity. We have this talk scheduled and I'm wondering what he might ask and how I should respond. I think he may ask for details of the incident. Should I give them to him (to the best of my recollection)? There is one particulary damaging detail I'm not sure he needs to know... (ie. the incident occurred in a stairwell in an apartment building). But I want to ease his pain as much as possible and if full disclosure is the way to do that, I'll do it. I have been trying to give him space even though I really want to call him and apologize some more and plead with him to take me back, because I think space is what heneedz. I only text him when he texts me first."

Again, forgiveness takes time, acceptance takes time. This was one of the most devastating moments of my life. It takes time to process and work through feelings that come up. You can apologize for what you did, and being specific (more than "im sorry) helps. If he asks for the details, I can almost guarantee he's weighed the pros and cons of knowing them, he's also probably imagined the worst case scenario a million times. If he asks, tell him, tell him everything he wants to know. If it's hurtful, be compassionate and humble, but don't hold the truth from him. If he finds out later it WILL be harder. Let him decide what he needs to know.

Show him how you've changed.

"I realize I have a drinking problem in that sometimes I lose control and don't stop when I should. Usually I do, but sometimes I don't. I'm going to work on that and I've told him."

Don't just tell him, actions speak volumes. Show him your working on it.

"I think some of my behavior can be attributed to loneliness. I haven't seen my partner in two months and I believe I may be falling into my old habits of hooking up just to alleviate the loneliness, however briefly"

If you leave it at this, what happens if you need to spend time apart in the future. What will be different and HOW will YOU MAKE IT DIFFERENT?

"I have been trying to give him space even though I really want to call him and apologize some more and plead with him to take me back, because I think space is what heneedz. I only text him when he texts me first."

Obviously you know him better than I do, but also be aware that he might take the space as you not caring. Be sure to reply to him if he texts you, but even when we weren't speaking (and I refused to reply), I welcomed the texts bf sent saying he was sorry and he cared.

He needs to see that if you stay together you are committed. No matter what. You need to peel back the onion and find out why you did it and what you were looking for. Then you need to figure out how to ensure that those behaviours don't come out again.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, I really hope that you can work it out. You may be met with an intense emotion on Saturday, or whenever it all really hits him (bf had a one night stand in August and told me that day, I was at my worst in November because I set up self protection walls). Remember that he's upset/angry at what you did and even if he says things you'd rather not hear, it's because of the action, not who you are. Prove to him that you can be more than that. You did a great and honest thing by telling him right away, and even if it doesn't seem like it, it matters to him. Be supportive as much as you can

[Brianna84]

Did it work out between you and your boyfriend?

[Silent_tsol]

Originally Posted by Brianna84

Did it work out between you and your boyfriend?

So far it is. There are still times when I'll think about it, get upset and want to give up. But things are much better than they were 11 months ago and I think we will work out