Future Wife: Secret Porn Connoisseur

So I recently discovered that the woman I've been with for the last 7 years secretly watches porn once I leave for work; gay, lesbian, you name it. I guess this wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel like our physical relationship wasn't so sporadic, sometimes 'dry spells' of +3-4 months. When I mentioned my dissatisfaction with our lack of sex, she says that she 'just doesn't have a strong sex drive' which seems to be contrary to someone who watches porn. Am I reading to far into this?

I would watch some porn together (if it is not offensive to you), see what happens? Reading, watching TV, playing games, etc. can all be fantasy outlets that are easier or more comfortable to deal with than real life. One can use them too often and get in a "rut" where it's hard to live life with others because we're so habitually in tune with a fantasy outlet.

Actually, it's been suggested that addiction to pornography causes sexual disfunction in real relationships. Usually it is the case that the man is the addict who finds that he cannot be attracted to his female partner, but it does happen the other way round too. If she is indescriminately watching pornography, but is unable to feel sexually aroused in real life, then I would really consider the possibility of a porn addiction being the root of the "dry spells." She says she doesn't have a high sex drive... that might be true. Porn may have ruined real sex for her.

It is worth finding out what caused her porn addiction. (I'm not saying this because she is a woman, I'd say the same of a man unable to function sexually who watched porn by himself when his partner was gone.)

For example, in a previous relationship my partner insisted I watch porn with him. I hated it, but he'd ask me to watch "girl on girl" action with him, and even after we broke up I kept having those images in my head... they got in the way of real relationships for a while before I broke the pattern. Was she exposed to sexual behaviour at a young age? Did a previous partner introduce her to it? Was she afraid of sex, and watched porn to demystify it? I've know people who met all of those descriptions.

But it is possible that she has a low sex drive, and is sadly addicted to porn. Porn would make her less happy with real sex, reinforce feelings of inadequacy (who can live up to those stereotypes) and ironically destroy her ability to actually engage in a healthy sexual manner with the man she loves.

I'm really sorry for both of you. I hope you can get past this... please remember as well how horribly embarassing it is for a woman to have a problem like this... many times more so than it is for a man. No wonder she hid it from you. Please don't think she doesn't love you. I imagine she's been trying to protect you.

You both need to get some help on this. It's the cruellest form of sex addiction there is... it keeps feeding an insatiable hunger, but destroys the joy of real sex.

Please do let us know what's happening... there must be other silent sufferers out there, and you never know, you might be able to help one of them. In the meantime, I'm a woman, so I can't imagine how this feels to you as a man... it must hurt so badly. It feels like an infidelity, but there's nothing you can name.

Let us know if she's open and willing to discuss her problem, and if you're able to keep your cool... it would be so easy to shout at her and get angry. I hope you can curtail this very understandable reaction, since I do think you can get past this. Both you and she deserve better.

Let her know that if she posts on this forum people will be understanding, and she'll get some help. But for the most part, look after yourself. You've just had a horrible shock. I hope you are feeling steadier soon... as someone who was involved in a relationship with a (male) sex addict I can understand how saddened and betrayed you must feel. I hope that, unlike me, you don't allow that addiction and betrayal to affect your own peace of mind. This can be fixed, if all parties are honest. You were very brave to post as you did on this forum.

Perhaps she is trying to get in the mood?

Well, if so from what the OP says she's clearly failing. Most people try to get in the mood while with their partners, not while they're away at work. I can imagine that this feels like a big betrayal to the OP... hope he's coping.

It's a confusing feeling, I guess I would call it 'amused confusion'. I've had a sneaking suspicion as small glimpses have came up once or twice over the years. A random site in my browser history, a questionable title in the previously played list of WMP. The other night was just 'cation to the wind porn bonanza'. I'm amused, I'm confused, but I'm not really hurt. I've already made the decision not to confront her about it, I think she'd be mortified. I've taken instead to coaxing it out with comments about how she needs to go to sleep earlier, and how staying up all night watching movies is the reason she's so tired during the day.

Well, if you say that you have a problem with the lack of sex, then you have a problem that needs to be addressed. 3-4 mo dry spells are not good. Was the sex always this seldom with her? Openness and honesty are always best. I would think after 7 years, the porn thing would have revealed itself sooner if it is an addiction. Is it possible that you are afraid of what her answer might be as to the reason for her activity? Good luck

this xmas you can buy her something special, now you know what she likes.

I guess I'm a little confused... In your first post, I took it that she watches it all day every day while you're at work. But then it seems you've only found little bits and pieces of evidence once in a blue moon. If it really is only once in a great while that she looks at porn, maybe she's not lying when she says she doesn't have a strong sex drive. And when the urge does come up, maybe she just wants to take care of it and be done. No pressure type of thing.

I know you said you don't want to talk to her about it, but I really feel that would be beneficial for your relationship; especially if there are these long dry spells that are leaving you unfulfilled. Maybe she's surprised you haven't brought it up. At the very least, you should probably have a calm, neutral conversation about your sexual relationship, if she's happy, how you're feeling, etc. I think the key to any relationship, and to all aspects of a relationship, is communication. Maybe romance her a little, get her in the mood, and afterward start a conversation about her likes and dislikes, just to start getting her more comfortable talking about these things. Ask her if you two could watch together sometime.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you. Sending good thoughts your way.

Crisis averted. The sex embargo has been lifted!