[Purple Heart]

Has anyone have a family they want nothing more to do with? I’m in my 30s and feel now it’s time I cut my ties with my family. I always feel down when I have contact with them and my mother is crazy. She is controlling and manipulative but yields a lot of power in the family and extended family. What should I do? I was thinking of sending a letter to please refrain from contacting me in this present time.

[protector1973]

lots of people feel this way from time to time , its really hard to leave your family behind and never see them again. better way would be change your attitude, because you cant change them , and choose times you spend with them more wisely. be more productive.HTH

[Omers]

Yes, I have, for the most part, cut my father out of my life. He is a pansy and has no power in the family so it is very different... but I have.

I cut ties with my mother for about 5 years at one point too. When I was stronger and ready we got back in touch. We now have the best relationship we have had in my life time.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I don't think I would cut off all ties to my family. I'm SURE you would regret that someday.

Just don't ALLOW your family to 'tread on your territory.' In other words, don't let them abuse you!! You have a voice, and sometimes we have to speak UP to our parents - keeping it as respectful but FIRM as possible.

No one can control you unless you let them. No one can manipulate you unless you 'give them permission.' Speak up when something is going haywire, and let them know you're not playing any games -- and that your life is your OWN -- it's not for them to play with!!

Here's an old saying I like: All I want is simple respect; I ask nothing more, and expect nothing LESS. Make sure they know that they have to RESPECT your wishes, and you won't allow anyone to walk all over you. You'll feel much better, not only about yourself, but about visiting them in the future.

God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

(((Purple Heart)))

Yes, I have.

I have tried talking with my mom several times about core issues that haunt me. Her perspective is very different from my own, and she's unwilling to admit the things that I've seen (as well as some things that she's done). At the same time, she's a "know it all". I'm always wrong, my memory is off, whatever. I just cannot deal with that right now.

I've severely limited the time I can spend with the family (immediate and extended). When I do see or talk with them, I will only discuss very limited things. Light talk, no depth. A couple of hours, tops. Once or twice a year. I have to push myself to do that much, because it is so tempting for me to avoid completely. But that wouldn't be a real healthy thing for me to do either.

Best wishes to you!

[Purple Heart]

Thanks Shez

I guess I don't want to moralise it but rather go with my feelings. It's not one or a few incidents its massive ongoing issues going back all over my life. My T told me to cut ties as it's not good for my mental health - I agree. I think people in society put mothers on a pedestal but what happens when they have/are abusing you? Your suppose to continue to see them? Not me anymore! I've had enough I need to live my life and be happy. I'm sick of carrying irrational shame and guilt for being ME.

[beauflow]

Purple Heart- my family like many are chaos. my heart goes out to you..... And

This is all I can say which I am told, if it comes to a time where your family hinders your well good, it may be best to separate for a little time from some for a little time, or if they are a constant hinder to your well being and not helping you in good life living, maybe disconnect. unfortunately if they are no help and constant chaos, family is to help you, not pull you down...... Like your t told you.....

Each situation is different for everyone

Well wishes to you all, may wounds heal and IF they can't may we take care of them. As best as we can even if It's complicated.

Hello, Purple Heart. Your moniker is telling. I wish you well in whatever decision you make.

[unaluna]

I did it two years ago and my only regret is not doing it 20 or 40 years ago. You don't have to say it's forever, I didn't. I just asked for time to get on my feet. I said I wasn't angry or blaming anyone, and that I appreciated them giving me this opportunity. Unfortunately I am also now missing extended family occasions, but as I dig deeper into my past, that is becoming okay. I never was the person they believed me to be. I will know the time is right to go back, when I know what to say to them - I wouldn't know what to say to them right now. I don't know who I am yet. I'm only 60! I'm finally starting to enjoy guilt-free Sundays...

[dragonfly2]

My husband and I severed ties with his parents over two years ago. It was the best thing we ever could have done with that situation. His mother is toxic, irrational, and mentally destructive to us. His father blindly supports her in her rantings. It's a long and complicated story, but suffice to say that this should have been done long ago, but I wanted our children to have their grandparents, so I pushed to stay connected to them. Well, our children have moved on much more easily than I had thought they would. His parents have yet to acknowledge their part in our difficult relationship, despite the fact that out of three boys, all three of them have severed ties with them at one point or another. We've just decided to not play the game any more and haven't gone back.

As for how to go about it, I found that a letter worked best for us, since I could sit back and really think about what to say and how to say it and not get wrapped up in the emotional meltdown that a conversation would erupt into. I used a lot of "we" statements and kept it civil and to the point, with no ambiguity. For us, it was a health issue - she is simply too toxic to be in our life. We have no regrets.

[Purple Heart]

Thanks people I was starting to think I was alone with this particular situation. I read a letter to my mum a few years ago. It went in one ear and out the other. There's never been any change no remorse from her or any of the other abusers in my family. I'm seen as the crazy one with the problem, not them. Everyone puts mum on a pedestal she can never do anything wrong. She is toxic. Well I don't care anymore I'm going to look after myself from now on and forget my family. Afterall my friends are now my family!

[Jenn1fer82]

Purple Heart,

I am going through the same exact thing and too often I keep forgiving them and talk myself into having contact with them again thinking that the last huge abusive fight may have changed them and that they realized what they did was wrong and they can change. ITS ALL WRONG!!! THEY WILL NEVER REALIZE THE PAIN AND SHAME THEY CAUSED US!! I am also battling the need to have a ideal family and then knowing that I must walk away from them and that my ideal family never existed and the family I was cursed with I must let it go for my own health and sanity. I am 29 years old and I'm finally fed up. I have a big family and its hard to set your boundaries when some of the family you still get along with and others you just hate them and they are dead in your eyes. They are toxic people and you must put yourself first. Its no longer about holding the family together, its about you, saving yourself from anymore pain. Stay strong and focus on yourself bc they no longer respect you and love you the way you should have deserved to be loved. Keep you friends close and family at a arms distance and if possible kick them out of your life because they will only continue to abuse and use you to their advantage. Stay strong Purple many people like myself knows what you're going through. You're not alone and dont feel bad for not wanting to be involved with your family anymore.

[Purple Heart]

Thanks Jennifer I really appreciate your input.