[walkingbear]

Ive been divorced 5 months and have met a great woman, she seems perfect. one of the things she revealed was that she is a recovering alcoholic, she seems pretty stable and in control. What can I do to be supportive and what should avoid so as not to be detremental to her sobriety?

[IceCreamKid]

I'd say the number one thing is not to rush the relationship.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm also a recovering alcoholic, so maybe I can help. First, alot depends on her length of sobriety. If she's newly sober, I'd say be VERY CAREFUL dating this woman. She's very needy, and vulnerable.

If she has a few years of sobriety, you're safer. LOL Hopefully she still goes to meetings -- if she doesn't, or doesn't have a good support system in place, there could be dangers. I wouldn't take her to bars -- even if you're just going to eat there. Recovering alcoholics don't have ANY GOOD REASON to be in a bar. It's a little different if you go to a restaurant where they serve alcohol -- it would be very nice if YOU didn't drink in front of her. That's just a little too tempting. A rule of thumb is just to stay away from people & places where alcohol is being used. People who are recovering have to change their whole life.

If she is having a bad day, be there for her as a sounding board -- if your relationship has progressed that far. But encourage her to talk with her sponsor (if she's in AA) about any serious problems.

I'm sure there are other "tips" but my mind fails me at the moment! Probably from too much alcohol in years past! You're a good person for wanting to make things easier for her. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

welcome to pc. i'm glad you found us.
i don't know the length of sobriety she has and that may determine my complete answer but i'll try.
your wanting to be supportive is wonderful. if she's new in sobriety she may not wish to be around alcohol at all. like bars, etc. hopefully she uses a 12 step program of recovery like AA. not an absolute solution but it sure helped me. you can offer to go with her to an "open" meeting. these are for everyone, not just the for sure alcoholic. it may be a supportive friend or family member too. i'm 21 trs. sober so i have some experience re alcohol and staying sober. it's a wonderful way of living.
if she has time in sobriety she's learned that alcohol is not an answer for her life. regardless i don't see any harm in your asking her how you can be supportive. it shows you care about her.
you may wish to post in the "addictions forum" too. it may be helpful and you'll get good feedback there as well. hope this helps.
some sage advice-since you're newly divorced take your time and allow yourselves time to get to know each other too.

[Visioneer]

Speaking from personal experience:

- No drinking in front of her

- No taking her to new social situations where there is alcohol (it's harder when you're nervous)

- No bars!

- Keep her busy with activities that do not involve alcohol in any way - go bowling, hiking, the zoo, museums, or introduce her to something you are interested in - anything she would enjoy that doesn't have the possibility of a drink

- Encourage her to stick with a therapist or counselor or her group, if she has any of those

- Know her triggers. Ask her what situations cause her to go for a drink, and help distract her from them with other solutions or other ways of making herself feel better. A walk, a massage, a bubble bath, deep breathing, meditation, creative release, or ask her what she thinks she could do instead when she is triggered.

- Expect her to be proactive. You are not supposed to be doing the work here. If she relies on you to keep her sober, she is not taking responsibility, and won't develop the coping skills to deal with her triggers on her own.

- Be realistic; if you don't see yourself being able to enjoy a lifestyle that is completely alcohol free, at least until she is very, very stable, ask yourself whether this is the relationship you want to be in right now. It's fair for both of you if you admit that you don't want that at this point, rather than get into something you'll find yourself unhappy with.

Above all, remember that you could do everything right and she could still make a bad choice. Even while wondering what you could do to help, if she makes a bad choice, it is not your fault, and don't feel guilty if she does.

Best of luck to both of you, and don't stress about it, just be normal.