[youOme]

The last thing I want to hear right now is LEAVE HIM. I've heard this a million times...

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years now and have a child together. Our relationship has been through some hell, but since the baby was born it's taken a turn for the worse. He started off with pinching and harsh words and now he is full blown hurting me. He smacks me in the back of head whenever I say something to make him mad and if I try to leave the situation he physically makes me stay...using pain. He's even pushed me down when I'm holding our 8 month old baby. He destroys stuff too. I never feared him for I thought he was a gentle and sensitive person, but boy was I fooled because he's a lot stronger then he appears and is angry.

There's apart of me that hates him... but I STILL love him. I'm not a backwood uneducated dumbass, like I was predestined to live this way and be treated this way by men. No, I'm educated and was raised to be a strong and independant woman. I've always considered myself physically strong too. Even kinda intimidating for a woman, and now... I feel so weak. Overpowered. I've never feared a persons anger like this before.

The CHANGE is what I don't understand. Who he was and who he is now...it's like living with a stranger. A lot of the time I feel like I did something to make him snap. I said things I shouldn't have. I ruined him. I deserve this because of my mouth. I do deserve it because I push him. It has to be, it's the only explanation. What would make a person change so drastically?

I just want to understand! Is there a man out there that has regretfully harmed his partner? What were thinking, what lead you to do it? I just need to know why he's doing this

[disguise123]

What if there is no answer to be found? is there a answer that would make what hes doing ok? Is there a answer that would make you give up?
i know you understand the implications of what you are doing.
You have my sympathy, as unwanted as it may be.

A lot of us who have been in your situation feel the same way - that we deserve(d) it.
That we pushed him into it, provoked it.
that we were destined to only be with abusive men.
If you saw my ex, you would never in a million years think he would hit someone. but he did.
If you met my very charming husband now, you would never think he was violent and angry and so emotionally abusive that he has broken my heart a thousand times.
And i still love him, so i understand what you are saying. i still live here with him, trying to find a way out.

What I want to tell you is that you're not the only one.

but maybe you should protect your baby, who didn't ask to be born, who doesn't provoke, who certainly doesn't deserve this.

I know you are looking for answers from men and i hope you get some, but I am hoping some of the experience, strength and hope that is shared by some of the women on this forum will help you too.

[ACanthony]

I know you don't want the 'leave him' answer. I am sure you know what is best for yourself and all the implications.

What makes him angry? It has to do with things that are inside him. I'm sure how he was raised, childhood issues, etc. are what forms the anger. It's easy to take it personally, but in actuality, these are his issues.

You don't want the leave him answer but I think giving him a lot of space is necessary. Focus on your own peace and practice peace in your own life. Read peaceful things, pray, etc. Trying to overcome the anger with logic is not going to work.

[protector1973]

maybe hes emotionally dysfuntional, following patterns learned from his childhood, or hes going through something, maybe pressure of parenthood , he could feel like the babys ruined his life,its impossible to know, only making guesses. for me when i was beating my girlfriend, she seemed to love me more,she realized that to affect me so much showed she meant something to me. i was young and was able to stop this behaviuor.

[Yoda]

It never does make sense how one moment a person can be so kind and loving and the next moment so mean and hurtful. That is the cycle of domestic violence. I've lived it and tried to help him change but it didn't work because he didn't want to change. He will blame you for making him mad enough to hurt you. Then you walk on eggshells not knowing when he will explode again. It would be easy to leave if he were always mean. The intermittent good times make it so confusing. "If only" he were the good person all the time...

You can't fix him. You need to seek counseling and develop a safety plan. http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/

PM me if you have questions or just want to talk.

[MWRTI]

Would the advice here be the same if it were the opposite? Wife violent with the husband?

[disguise123]

Originally Posted by MWRTI

Would the advice here be the same if it were the opposite? Wife violent with the husband?

To me yes. Id say to most of us. Nobody should be hurt or threatened by their partner, and the children involved should be protected from the abusive parent male or female.

[dreamweaver79]

If you reaize how much you think about him and not yourself, how much time are you spending? Think about it, how can you help yourself when he is always the focus? How much negative energy are you surrounded by? Your child is also engulfed in the negative atmosphere of abuse, even when the abuse is happenig to you. Abusers are pros, they prey on those they can manipulate and control. I know its a hard pill to swallow, Ive been there. Just focus on your needs and your baby. I began calling my ex out on the abuse as soon as it happened, believe me no one wants to be seen as an abusive control freak. Maybe the next escalating event you should say this...."you are being intimidating and this is abuse." Only if you feel it will not make the situation worse...its just an idea. Tell yourself... "i will not be a victim, and nor will my child" If he has love for you he will not want to see himself as a monster. Maybe the two of you can see a counselor together. if not then you should go to one.

[youOme]

Protector, it was different seeing from the insight of yours, rather the abused. I think in away I feel like you said your girlfriend had.. like at least I matter, at least he cares in someway, even if it's not the way I'd like him to. That's pretty dysfunctional now that I see it...typed. Disappointing.
I think he does have issues. He was treated pretty badly as a kid but SO WAS I! So it's not an excuse or a "reason" for this behavior. His mother and father have been married for 23 years and I never heard of his father ever hurting his mother. His brothers don't either. It's just him, but apparently I'm not the first he's done this two...but I definitly get it worse then she did.
I do speak freely to him, I tell him what he's done is wrong. Threatening to leave doesn't work anymore. When I speak to him calmly about it after he cools down he admitts his anger is out of control.... but he never apologizes. Sometimes I do see him make an effort.

Originally Posted by youOme

Protector, it was different seeing from the insight of yours, rather the abused. I think in away I feel like you said your girlfriend had.. like at least I matter, at least he cares in someway, even if it's not the way I'd like him to. That's pretty dysfunctional now that I see it...typed. Disappointing.

I used to know that when I got hit at least when it was over he'd be nice for a while, so i'd have that to look forward to.
I think he does have issues. He was treated pretty badly as a kid but SO WAS I! So it's not an excuse or a "reason" for this behavior. His mother and father have been married for 23 years and I never heard of his father ever hurting his mother. His brothers don't either. It's just him, but apparently I'm not the first he's done this two...but I definitly get it worse then she did.

My ex bf had a really messed up past - things I had trouble believing were true because they were so awful - but there are so many people with troubled pasts who make such good things happen - you can't use it as an excuse.
He was married before i met him...before I knew he was violent and I was just stupidly falling for him, and he would play me messages of her begging him to come back to her. then the violence started, and i found out he did it to her too, but not as much, and I still wonder why she begged him to come back.

I do speak freely to him, I tell him what he's done is wrong. Threatening to leave doesn't work anymore. When I speak to him calmly about it after he cools down he admitts his anger is out of control.... but he never apologizes. Sometimes I do see him make an effort.

I used to threaten to leave...that's when he would act the nicest. He "knew" he had a problem. He even went for counseling. He even stopped hitting me for a few months after the first restraining order. But he went back to his old ways. They call it a cycle of domestic violence for a reason.

Protector - I respect your honesty in posting your experience on here.

youOMe - I hope you will find the strength to matter to yourself.

[disguise123]

im gonna tell you my story of my ex. He has a child with another woman she left him because of the violence. Sadly that child is 11 years old now with a mass of behavioural issues and depression as he still had visitation with his father till he was nine. He had another relationship , she left him because of violence, then i met him planned a life together and had a child. I left him because of violence (id had enough after four years of it and seeing the damage he was doing to the kids) hes in a new relationship now with a woman who he is violent with (she told me) her children live with their father and can no longer visit her home because of abuse.
Until my ex admits truely what he is, i dont expect him to ever change.
Does your partner say hes sorry then once you are comfortable again, become abusive?
I hope you can find a way out of this situation, i do hope you find a way that works for you and your baby.
Xx

[MWRTI]

Originally Posted by disguise123

To me yes. Id say to most of us. Nobody should be hurt or threatened by their partner, and the children involved should be protected from the abusive parent male or female.

Thank you for your reply and I agree with you for the most part. It seems to me though that as a man we can take it and therefore the injuries, if any, that occur are minor. It is the longer term mental effect that this activity has on the male psyche...at least mine anyway, that really provides the unsure thoughts and strong emotions.

[rubyindie]

Originally Posted by youOme

Protector, it was different seeing from the insight of yours, rather the abused. I think in away I feel like you said your girlfriend had.. like at least I matter, at least he cares in someway, even if it's not the way I'd like him to. That's pretty dysfunctional now that I see it...typed. Disappointing.
I think he does have issues. He was treated pretty badly as a kid but SO WAS I! So it's not an excuse or a "reason" for this behavior. His mother and father have been married for 23 years and I never heard of his father ever hurting his mother. His brothers don't either. It's just him, but apparently I'm not the first he's done this two...but I definitly get it worse then she did.
I do speak freely to him, I tell him what he's done is wrong. Threatening to leave doesn't work anymore. When I speak to him calmly about it after he cools down he admitts his anger is out of control.... but he never apologizes. Sometimes I do see him make an effort.

i have a feeling ,dear that u r intelligent enought to figure out things yourself, since u have lived life independently and strong u will know what to do if it comes to that. but i shall share something with you that everything u have described in your first post here is almost a text book description of what pathological personality disorder is. almost every man/woman reading this and relates to it might very well be thinking, oh my this is so like what i had gone thru in my relationship. so there its a trait so i can only ask u to read up more about these kind of ilnesses, understand how to categorise it, know what stage it is in(salvageable or run-for-your-and-your-babys-life-stage) and also the ability to predict the long term expectations of bettering this relationship. seek professional help for both of you and weigh the committment levels and go on from there. prayers with you