[SolutionIsProcess]

Hi all,

I just moved into a new apartment with a couple of fellow grad students.

One of them is making me a bit uncomfortable, mostly because she is constantly smothering me.

If we are both in our rooms and I come out to the kitchen to make a sandwich, she immediately comes out every time, sometimes to do something and sometimes not to, but either way she will start chatting me up and doesn't go away. I usually have to find a way to leave.

I could be reading in a common area, deeply engrossed in something, and if she see's me, she will make herself comfortable as if it's social hour and launch into a conversation. I will even keep my eyes focused on my reading to try and give her the hint, but she keeps going!

Sometimes she will guilt me into keeping her company, usually because she is depressed about her boyfriend who she has been in the process of breaking up with. Now, I do have a soft spot for the tears...so this is where I'm most likely to give in when she says 'you could keep me company...' but then once I do she is a-okay.

Believe it or not, this is actually progress compared to when I first moved in almost two weeks ago (my God, it has only been two weeks...). She used to really nag me, and at first I thought it was to communicate a personal need, but then I started to sense that the real need she was trying to fulfill was interpersonal intimacy. She has let off on the nagging a bit (so far), probably because she realized that is not going to win her a friend, but she has gone about the ways I mentioned above as a way to get my company.

I've noticed that she absolutely does not like to be alone, and I think this is part of that. She needs to have friends over all the time to keep her company, and starts looking to me or our other roommate for company when no one is around...or sometimes if a friend is around, she'll still come out if she hears me emerge from my room. I really don't want to play that role and I shouldn't have to. This has made me less interested in talking to her, even when I'm not busy, and it has especially made me fearful to even leave my bedroom. When I do, I only have to count the seconds until she appears. Really.

As you can tell, I am really annoyed by this. I know she gets lonely and all, but I honestly am not jumping to talk with her...1) because of her smothering style, and 2) because we are very different people and I'm honestly not into anything she is, really. In fact, much of what she enjoys doing, I typically stand up against in activism. I have zero interest in her recreational activities, the things that people generally bond over. The only other alternative is to be her therapist, and while I do enjoy helping relationships, I will not foster a helping/dependency relationship in my own home! **** that...that's what I did with my alcoholic mother when I was a teenager, and man, did that really **** me up (yes, there are transference issues here).

My other roommate is cool though. When she talks to me, I don't feel like she is trying to make conversation for the sake of holding my attention. Our conversations just feel natural. We can let go of them easily too and go hours, or a whole day, without really talking, and it's okay. She is also respectful and mindful of my feelings and needs. The other, not so much.

So, I have no idea how or even where to assert boundaries. How do I handle this? I just know I am going to have to have an uncomfortable conversation that is going to upset her, potentially creating a dramatic situation. But I would like to work this out somehow instead of bolting for my bedroom when I walk in the door and fearing leaving it. I'm just afraid of making it into a big deal and hurting her feelings. I know she means well, that she doesn't want to upset me or anything, and I think that is really a sweet woman underneath it all. I feel really bad. She seems super dependent on the company of others and on substances so she doesn't have to deal with her emotions, which would probably scare her. I wish I could do something good in this situation, something kind, something to make everything okay...just not at the expense of my own sanity please!!!

[unaluna]

Quick question - how does she interact with the other roommate? ie is the other roommate having the same problems with this person that you are, or did she define boundaries that she is respecting?

You do not want or need to be her therapist, especially unpaid, and I don't think she has asked you to be.

Can you call a roommates meeting to discuss rules / air grievances?

Remember that this is YOUR life, your graduate study experience, your future being affected; don't let her, anyone or anything take it away from you.

http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

[SolutionIsProcess]

I talked to the other roommate tonight, and she feels the same way as I do/is having the same issue. I am going to use the boundaries page provided to me (thanks!) in my talk with the original roommate shortly.