[afterrain]

I don't know why I have a hard time telling people how I really feel. I want to tell my family and friends how I feel when I feel sad, alone, depressed, and others. But I don't know how to tell or even talk to them about my feelings. It so hard for me to do it. I know I should talk about my feelings but I'm afraid of what they will think of me.

I'm even afraid of letting others get close to me too. I mean like when I have boyfriend. I only had two really boyfriends in my life and I even had a hard time talking to them about my feelings. It got to the point when I can't take it anymore and I broke up with them with out giving them a real reason why. I feel bad for not being honest with them. Just sometimes my ex boyfriends just made it hard for me to be honest with them. I never lied to them, it more on saying how I feel.

I think my problem is I'm afraid on how others will react to my feelings. I do not want anyone to be mad or get hurt by my feeling. My question to you all is: How do I be honest about my feelings? How do I let others get close to me?

[Blades]

Wow. I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I could help you but only you can do that. You have to dig down deep inside yourself find the courage to do it. I know it might seem hard but the only way people will know that you are hurting is if you tell them. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about it perhaps a better method would be writing it out on a piece of paper and giving it to your parents or friends like you have on this forum. There are people out there who can help you but unless you let them in they won’t know you are hurting. When I gave up alcohol and cocaine I thought the safest thing to do was stay inside my head but a close friend of mine who will always be in my heart told me it wasn’t and she was right.

Hello, afterrain. Is professional help an option for you?

[Soul Quake]

What gives you the idea that anyone will "be mad or get hurt"?

[afterrain]

I don't know why but people just get mad or hurt when I say what is on my mind. For example, I would tell someone I'm mad at him or her. The person that I'm mad at would get mad at me for being mad at him or her. And sometime the person will start to cry and that really makes me feel bad because I made him or her cry. I do not like that feeling of making someone cry. You know what I'm talking about. Its like I did something wrong to them but real I didn't do anything wrong in the first place. Thats why its so hard to tell anyone what is really on my mind.

And to answer if professional help an option for me? The answer is No because I do not have the money to get help right now. I know I should get professional help but I can't.

[Soul Quake]

Well, if your depression is not the result of these people you wish to confide in, then there really is no reason for them to get mad or upset.

Maybe it was your delivery in the past, maybe those who got upset are defensive.

These links may help:
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Relationship Effectiveness and Self Respect Effectiveness

This site offers 10 pages of tips on how to get your needs met, how to react to others, etc. (use the arrows at the very top of each page)

[Perna]

I think understanding your feelings and getting to know yourself better first would go a long way to helping you know when and how to tell others how you are feeling.

Other people shouldn't "cry" when you discuss your anger with their behavior toward you; one discusses anger to make things better between two people, anger is because one feels the other has hurt them in some way, taken something from them, and is letting the other know and see if the feeling is correct and on target for the situation, whether the other person meant to hurt one. Hopefully the other person will do an, "Oh, no! I'm sorry, I meant. . ." and the two people iron out their differences.

I had a boss angry at me because I kept, from his point of view, trying to get out of some work. However, it wasn't my turn to do that work like he thought it was. He blew up at me but I kept telling him my truth, that it wasn't my turn to do the receptionist lunch relief, that I had just done it a couple days before. Eventually he "heard" me through his anger, rechecked the schedule and realized he had made a mistake. He apologized and everything was great between us!

That is how anger is supposed to work. If my boss had not been able to regulate his own expression of anger, that would have angered me and I would have had another discussion of the incident with him later, to set a boundary reminding him of my honesty and how I would not lie to him so if, next time, we were in direct opposition to one another he would have to stop and reconsider his position or I'd have to conclude he was unable to do so and go look for another boss who was more in touch with his anger and its expression.

I understand my example is in a perfect world :-) so what I would do if someone cried when I was angry with them would be to assume they had a problem greater than mine and see if I could get more information as to why they were crying instead of responding to my communication of why I am angry at them. I think a great many people are afraid of others and their own anger and your friend might have cried in fear? If I perceived that were so, I would tone down my expression of "anger" and maybe changed the situation to one of, "a problem I have that I need your help with". I'd state my facts as clearly as I could, "You borrowed my jacket without asking me or telling me you had done so and it's my favorite jacket so I was truly sad when I found it missing. When I found out you had taken it, I was angry that you would treat me, a friend that way, and was afraid you might have stolen it from me deliberately. I hope you have a good reason or at least a heart-felt apology for what happened."

Notice I used "good reason" rather than "excuse" and "for what happened" instead of "for what you did". It could be that the friend really did not know it was my jacket and I had left it behind and then it started to rain and he just grabbed it as it was sitting there, unclaimed. If such a story came out, I would have to realize that I was partly responsible for leaving the jacket behind and that my friend, not knowing it was mine (so couldn't return it to me) was not personally "out to get me". However, if my friend grabbed it from a coat rack at an event we were both at and didn't know it was mine; he still would be responsible for his cavalier way of grabbing anybody's belongings, not caring that it wasn't his and I'd expect an apology (that he'd grabbed mine) and some indication that he knew it was "wrong" to just take whatever he wanted, even if he "planned" to return it, no one else the "wiser". Otherwise, I'm not sure I would want to remain friends with such a person?

I think you can see, when we express any of our emotions to others, we have to have some sort of idea of "why" we are doing so, what we expect from the others and we have to give them information to that effect; we have to not just say, "I'm really sad, will you stay with me and try to comfort me" but a little more about why we are sad and why we picked that person to be with. "Hey, Mom, I'm feeling down today because I don't have any friends; would you mind if I worked with you for awhile doing these dishes so we can talk? I'll dry I'd love to hear a couple stories of when you were a girl and ways in which you made friends and solved your problems when you were my age!"

"Its like I did something wrong to them but real I didn't do anything wrong in the first place."...well there you go...you already know it would be irrational for them to be mad at you and that's half the battle...now change your reaction to the situation

[afterrain]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

"Its like I did something wrong to them but real I didn't do anything wrong in the first place."...well there you go...you already know it would be irrational for them to be mad at you and that's half the battle...now change your reaction to the situation

How would I go about that?

[falling star]

Thank you for sharing. I am not good at sharing my feelings either. Sometimes I feel like I have to walk very softly around people so they won't get angry at me. Other times I have said something that was taken out of context and then its just too late to redeem myself. In general, I don't communicate well with a lot of people. I worked on a borderline personality workbook that helped straighten out some of my thinking and feelings. Also i have ADD and miss half the conversation, then try to jump in, missing a major point of discussion. So, I just keep my mouth shut to avoid the mess I am bound to make. Just want you to know you are not alone. Hugs.

[afterrain]

Just want to say "thank you" to all.

[afterrain]

I'm trying my best to be honest about my feelings. It just everyone I tried talking to just don't want to listen or talk to me right now. What should I do?