My difficult relationship - getting s/o's who don't understand to start to understand

this could be more appropriate for the bipolar forum? correct me or place elsewhere if necessary...i apologize...I am newly diagnosed bipolar...the toll being taken on my relationship with my common law hubby is getting to be too much. He himself has his own issues supposedly ADHD which he was diagnosed with at a young age and has not kept up treatment for several years...but I think his issues go farther than that...he is constantly irritable, has constant snap reactions to things, hes paranoid to the point when people talk he only hears the parts he deciphers to be attacks on him instead of hearing the whole statement made by someone....he gets downright mean in his knee jerk reactions and says things he later says he never meant and wouldnt ever do etc etc I admit I don't have the best delivery when I say things (most often it revolves around things to do with my son from a previous relationship - i have serious trust issues based on previous relationships ESPECIALLY my sons biological father) he takes it to heart as hes the only dad my son has ever known but never once have I said hes a bad dad or attacked him like that but when I assert my boundaries for how he handles our son he immediately takes it as such and it becomes all or nothing I don't like it so he wont interact with him anymore - totally not what I was going for since thats in no way fair to my son and it will just confuse and hurt him. With my increasingly worsening state the last couple of months my irritability level is heightened in my manic periods or overly depressed moods and I have had an increasingly bad delivery in my approach and in one of our recent arguments (only the day after I saw the doctor and was diagnosed - so fresh in my head and still sort of raw in my feelings about it) his knee jerk reaction to my statements were to tell me Im f***ing crazy and go tell my doctor about it and chart it on my little chart. It hurt exceptionally because this is supposed to be somone I can trust significantly and he just judged me in the same way so many people have in the past. I've been called names before and hes threatened to leave a million times. However, to be fair on his part I have told him to leave just as many times and have called him many names as well. Though my son has not seen the worst of it he has seen some unrest in our house, seen me cry more times then I ever would have liked and just has a general knowledge that somethings not right...he sees me upset or sad and runs to give me hugs and tell me its ok and give me kisses and so forth and it absolutely breaks my heart because no child is supposed to feel like their home is anything but happy and healthy. I am now expecting baby number 2 with my CLH and I am taking the steps to get my bipolar in check by seeing this doctor, developing a plan with my doctor and my supports for when my son is born...I have convinced CLH to see his doctor regarding his adhd/other mental health issues to help him on his way to recovery as well as I want a safe and healthy happy home for both our kids. I guess after all my rambling one of my biggest questions are for those of you who have s/o's who don't suffer from mental illness and/or aren't aware of how it works and how to deal and cope...how have you as a couple made efforts to have one or both understand each other better and how to cope with mental illness before it drives you apart permanently. thanks for listening all and I look forward to the responses.

Hi - it sounds like the two of you don't know how to CALMLY communicate with each other. Some of us need help with that, and it might be a good idea to go to couples counseling. There is an "art" to communicating -- and a counselor could give you some tips and help. You both need to learn what is off-limits to say also -- kind of learn how to fight FAIR. LOL

Do you think your hubby would go? It surely can't hurt and I'm sure it would help your relationship alot.

I wish you the very best. Keep us posted on how you're doing. Hugs, Lee

Hello, bipolarmama. I am sorry you are experiencing such difficult times. I hope your efforts to address the issues prove beneficial. You and your family are in my thoughts.

"biggest questions are for those of you who have s/o's who don't suffer from mental illness and/or aren't aware of how it works and how to deal and cope...how have you as a couple made efforts to have one or both understand each other better and how to cope with mental illness before it drives you apart permanently"

I am BP and my husband is not. He understands on a basic level that there is something biochemically wrong, and I don't always think right.
I do not share my day to day struggles with him I come here to talk, or talk to my T about it. So I don't involve him on that level and it seems to help our relationship that he doesn't have to feel responsible for my mental health, I am.
If I am having a super bad time I will share that with him, so he knows I may be super sensitive, or may go off on a tangent about things, and to just let me be.
When I feel good I will do little extras for him-making a nice meal, or asking him about his day or what he is passionate about, showing an interest. That helps too.
It takes two to argue so if he says something that irritates me, I just walk away, take some breaths, and let it go. If it still bothers me the next day, I may bring it up, when I am feeling calmer,but usually not.
I hope things improve for you.

thanks guys...I have actually made a point of saying the exact same words to him...we need to learn how to fight fair and properly because as it goes there is actually a proper way to fight...or so ive heard lol I do my best to keep my hubby out of the madness of it all unless its a really bad day and its only fair to give him warning im on a rampage kind of thing...BUT he takes offense to me not including him rather than being thankful because he sees it as I dont trust him to help me through things...like I said his defenses are literally up 24/7 so anythign I say or do can be misconstrued as not trusting him or accusing him etc etc etc...its really hard...I know hes got issues too and im learning to cope just as much as he is to having a s/o with such issues the difference being im a bit farther along than him and have a diagnosis he has ADHD as his preexisting condition and I have finally talked him into going to see the doctor in a couple weeks to see where he lies now and what we can do so both of us are on a path to recovery before the baby gets here.