[AAAAA]

My daughter’s best friend Lil C had a baby a few days ago. I love that young woman to death, but I am disappointed in some of the choices that she’s made recently. Her mother was a raging alcoholic that died from complications of the disease last year but she was basically raised by her older sister Lil A. Whom I also adore and admire greatly!

I know that A has been helping C out financially for a long time. C does work, but her baby daddy does not. C moved out of her step father’s house to get an apartment to live with baby daddy when she found out that she was pregnant. I know that the financial help that A has been giving C has put a strain on A’s finances (she works like a dog, but has three small children). A was upset a couple of months ago because C came to her and asked her for money so she and baby daddy could go to the fair. A is frustrated, she loves her sister greatly but realizes when you are about to have a baby, you need to make decisions about what is a necessity and a luxury. The only reason A has that money to give to her sister is because she works 60 hours a week and buys second hand clothes for her own children etc. Her own husband cannot work right now because he’s been battling cancer for the past year.

Through the years we’ve done things to help C. We bought her prom dresses in HS, hubby noticed that C’s tags were expired on her car so he gave her the money to register it a few months ago. I knew money was tight and remember what it was like when I was about to have a baby, so we’ve been picking things up for the baby since we found out she was pregnant. We bought everything a baby could need. We’ve bought a case of diapers every week, the kid has enough to last him until he’s potty trained lol. I tried to think of things that I tried to think of the things we were strapped for when our own children were young and bought some of those things every week. Plus fun stuff, because I am grammy if A will ever share!

When I got home from work yesterday I got a message from my daughter. C talked to her and said that they did not have money for rent for October. It is nearly November! So I asked her to find out how much she needed for October and November. It was quite a bit more than I had anticipated. We have the money now because we’ve been saving for our trip and my husband has been working 80 hours a week for the past three months to fund our trip to California but it will be a stretch.

My husband and I have been very blessed. We have gone through difficult times in our life but there have been Angels in this world that have helped us. We are grateful for that and we also try to pay it forward whenever we can.

But here’s my issue: Recently I’ve been noticing things about baby daddy that I do not particularly like. He’s never worked, he’ll bring C to work and go out with his friends while she’s at work. How do you have money to sit in a bar when a) you do not work b) you’re about to have a baby c) you’re taking money from your gf’s sister and do not have a good word to say about her. Plus gas is expensive now! I had given C money for gas pretty regularly because she’ll drop my son off from work on her way home from time to time. I was also worried that she would go into labor and not have any gas in her vehicle to get there. So I was a little annoyed to see him driving all over town after I’d gassed up her car. I don’t think he has a driver’s license! Baby’s daddy’ parents seem to have a lot more money than we do, they vacation twice a year, have a beautiful home on a private lake, brand new cars etc.

So hubby and I were discussing this last night. Of course we’ll give her the money. We love her. But I’m a little resentful. Why should my vacation be limited because they’re making bad choices? Why do so many people of this generation think that someone (whether it be the government, friends or parents) should be there to bail them out? Why are they living in an apartment where the rent is so high? There are others in town that may not be as nice, but they’re perfectly fine and the rent is a third of what they are paying. Then I feel guilty because I remember what it was like to be a young mother with limited means. Then I go back to being irritated because when I was her age I had two children and was pregnant with my twins. It did not even occur to me to ask my parents for money because we made the decisions to have these children and it was our responsibility to take care of them. So am I helping or enabling?

[Perna]

I would get together with A and discuss the situation. It sounds like you all need to get together on how much you will give C and how you will support her and her baby. If the apartment is lost, C will probably move back in with A? A may need support keeping out C's baby's father from living there too. I think your DH and other male friends might need to do a little work helping in a literal, male-to-male sense, sorting out this man so he either decides he wants to get a job and support his gf and child or move on?

If C can't support herself and baby, can't keep to a giving budget you and A decide on, everyone needs to learn that's the case sooner rather than later. Just giving her money when she decides she wants or needs something isn't going to educate her on being a good mother or even on taking care of herself as everyone must learn to do!

[jadzea]

I am a firm believer in tough love and standing on ones own feet. I think you are being a little too generous. The parents have no need to find jobs or look for ways to cut spending when they know you will bail them out. If I gave them money for rent I would make sure they knew it was the last time and that I expected them to find a place that cost less. They should have thought of all these things before they had the baby.

[AAAAA]

I agree with you both. I don't mind doing things for the baby because I want to do them. I was a little resentful of the way this situation came about. If C had come to me directly and said "with the baby here, I'm short could you help?" I would have had a lot more respect for her. But she went to my daughter, her friend. My daughter lives on her own, pays her own bills, and is going on to get her Master's in the spring. I'm sure that C saw on FB about all of the OT my daughter has been working so that she can afford to take the time off to go on the trip with us.

As I'm thinking about it now, I'm even more annoyed! My own child did not even come to us to ask her to help her with her bills so that she could go see her brother graduate. She wanted to go so she planned it out and picked all of the OT she could.

I'm a little hesitant to discuss this with A because I suspect that the money that A has been giving C for her living expenses have not been spent on those expenses. A and C have been having issues because A has turned the money faucet down. She wasn't even going to tell A when she went into labor.