How to put one foot in front of the other.....

I am new to this board. Glad to have found it. I fall into a variety of these forums from anxiety to possible eating disorder, depression etc etc... I am majorly afflicted right now and desperately seeking a support system.
I am a mother of a 14 yr old boy and a 5 month old girl -married 2 years - my husband has told me just after Christmas that he does n ot love me, cannot love me, and wants to leave...
He did this same thing last year...and both times, I said "okay , good luck".... he leaves, then he comes back saying he is confused...doesnt know what he wants... in the meantime< i am heartbroken...he is involved emotionally with another girl...same girl he left me for last year...they work together... I suck it up....
I am so broken and confused... I have given so much, changed so much...(necessary change on my part), I am patient and tolerant and loving...and I am met with just a courteous housemate...who shares in the bills and care of our infant... he might hit me up for sex once a week or every other week...basically he doesnt desire me... I have become extremely underweight and was referred today by my OB to a nutritionist for counseling... I can eat because I am so strung out and anxious and sad and afraid...
I let go...he comes back... I feel relieved for a bit, and then the rejection starts again... I am tolerant because I know how he grew up... abused, rejected, hated, tortured... but he will not get help... he connects emotionally instead with another woman who "understands" him... meanwhile... I am alone and afraid and starving for attention/love/ anything at all...
We have a new baby and a brandd new house that we just built and moved into... I dont know if I can afford it on my own... and I dont want to uproot my son AGAIN for the 4th time in 3 years... he has had enough trauma/change/loss in his life... Im lost. I am desperate. I need friends. I need support. I need answers. I am not thinking clearly...
Recently went to GP and got put on prozac and xanax for panic... that was a couple weeks ago... its helping keep me from going crazy...but the pain is making me feel like I am going to die.
I think I need to divorce, separate... Im having trouble giving up on the chance that he could love me....mahybe this is just a phase... maybe its not.

Sounds like absolute torture for you.

Along with the meds, are you also in therapy? I so so suggest that, will help immensely as you make decisions and get a chance to debrief.

Anything you can do to focus first on your children and yourself will be good. Your husband having been abused in past is no excuse for him abusing you now.

your husband can make the house payments while you live in it, with his children. Sarahl is right. see a T asap. good luck, pat

Hi ByAThread. I also think a therapist would be really helpful for you. I wouldn't make any major decisions until you are feeling a little more stable though.

I am so sorry about everything that is going on in your life. I know it must be extremely hard for you and your children. I think that taking that step to see your GP and begin meds was a good start. Always take of yourself first.

As for the husband, I understand that being raised in an abusive enviroment is torture but I also know that he should not be taking this out on you and the children. It is not fair to your or them. You say he refuses treatment. Has he told you why? Does he admit that he even needs it? The way I see it, raising your children in a loving stable environment is far more important then worrying if this is the day your husband will leave you. Take those kids and live happy in an apartment. It doesnt matter as long as you show the kids and yourself that you are strong and you can make it through anything.

You have come to an excellent site for support. So many wonderful people here I cant even begin to cover them all. We all share so much in commen and you never feel alone here, we wont let you.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

Perhaps seeing a therapist yourself might help you right now.

I wish you luck with this. Take care of you.


Huggles,


Jen

I should have mentioned that I have been in therapy for years. I have always struggled with anxiety/depression...and hence when things started spiraling out of control in our marraige,I was quick to take my responsibility.. I go weekly to a terrific person for 4 years now... she helps me keep a perspective... once a week doesnt help me get through the days in between...
I really don't want to leave the house and uproot the kids... my 14 year old has moved 4 times in the past 2.5 years... he finally feels settled and is within walking distance of school and a ton of friends which he has never had... I feel a great pressure to find a way to stay in the house.. husband wont pay anything but child support for his daughter.. .my son is not his... I make more money, so maintenance or help on the mortgage is highly unlikely...
Today is a very bad day.. .he didnt come home from work last night... he called and said he was working overnight.. his girlfriend just so happened to be working overnight too, and he has yet to show up/call anything this morning...
I dont mean to wallow in self pity... I know what i need to do... I have an attorney, I am gearing up to file taxes and claim both children and the interest on the mortgage.. I have no legal right to kick him out of the home.. he would have to come after me or my son... which could happen...and then I can have him removed..
I feel so completely stressed and overwhelmed... how do people survive this? I know millions divorce... separate etc.. .how do they survive... how do people function day to day effectively.. I fell like I am coming apart at the seams.
Yesterday I was referred by my OB to a nutritionist with a DX of anerexia.. I dont think its accurate.. its more a temporary aversion to food from all the stress... but I will go regardless and do what they say....
I continue in therapy...Im trying to accept.... I just feel as thought I am looking up from rock bottom right n ow and looking for some answers as to how to survive..
I know I have to care for my children... I do that well...but if I lose my job due to being useless at work... then what good am I to them?
Ugh...
Thank you for the support.. any suggestions on how to keep moving forward...how others have gone before me...
I am grateful to be here. Please pray I make it through another day.

ByAThread,

Hang in there!! I know all the stress I hard. I wish I had answers for you but unfortunately i don't, but can offer an ear or even a shoulder you can cry on.. the main thing is you have to take care of you first and foremost.. Your health is very important.

by the way welcome to Psych Central!!! You can call me Mel!!

(((((((((((((((((((((ByAThread)))))))))))))))

Wow, this sounds horrible! I couldn't stay if I were in your position. Although this is pure hell for you, imagine what staying may do to your children? I mean, yes the moving may be hard on your oldest, but staying will be worse for him.

I'd like to tell you to just get out since you are not at all happy, but I cannot tell you what to do. You must make the decision.

I just don't want you to hurt anymore.

I dont want to stay. I feel paralyzed by anxiety and lack of physical/mental strength. I don't know where to turn. So I will just continue to reach out and post... to get me through until I am able to make some changes....

Can your therapist help you figure out what next step you want to take? I know how our ultimate goals can feel way too big and impossible, it can help immensely to sort out the seemingly small series of steps it takes to eventually get to our goal.

Reading books on the subjects of divorce and communication and self-esteem, on making changes, might be useful too. Public library will most likely have a good selection. I often look through an online book site like amazon.com first to get an idea of what new books are out there, read some reviews, then I find copies at the library, often needing to put them on hold first.

Any support groups in your area that you can attend?