[Justme_55]

Of course all we have is this moment; but on a day to day basis I never know what emotion I will experience next on a daily basis. The regret, resentment and irritation is eating me up. I'm infuriated with myself; although seperated through my ENTIRE marriage if I was 2 minutes late to get home from work I had to be an unfaithful cheating p.o.s. I did take my vows seriously, I meant them but the man I married was not the man I met; he quickly spiraled into a controlling abusive mental terrorist questioning my every move no matter if it was feeding our child or trying to create a friendship. Last year I realized I was his door mat; his belonging he owned, his maid, his punching bag, his cook, his convience. I broke away for a little while & figured since I'm accused of being a lying worthless cheating wh*re I mine as well prove him right. I stepped outside of my marriage, at first it was innocent & I had no intent of pursuing anything. Then we both developed feelings, slowly over time his true colors came to light, I had an affair with a man that could be my husbands twin. He was aware I was married; and he is bi polar. He has said the most vicious down right horrible things to me; particularly when I starting to break things off with him, he loves me one second then hopes I crawl in a hole and rot away. my T said well duh he's exactly like you're husband! That was loads of help! Now I'm wrestling with guilt, shame & hate for myself as well as both these men who if you ask me should be best friends. I have no desire to be with either of them as well as am shocked at myself for stooping to a level I never saw myself going. I was already a broken person with a failed marriage prior to the affair now I'm a broken person who can't trust; somedays myself, feels every emotion known to man and have contempt for my own choices. I keep it together for my kid as much as possible my mistakes are never to be put on my child, and unfortunately for man A & B they will never be a priority in my book again; they neither came before my child EVER but now I see how twisted my thinking is & truly hope I never fall into the cycle of abusive men again. I had anger that my child would grow up thinking it was okay to treat a woman the way my husband had but I will do all I can to show myself and my kid that healthy, loving, caring relationships can blossom, I've got to start with doing that for myself. Gotta push through this wreck & hop off the hamster wheel from he*L.