[CantExplain]

Hi!

My relationship with my psychotherapist was very stormy. I shouted at her and I actually broke up with her three times. Often it was more like a bad marriage than a therapeutic relationship. At one point we went to a third party for "couple counselling".

Some people take advice from Elton John's song: "Walk away and don't look back." Well I did look back, and in fact I went back, and every time I did, I was happier and the relationship was stronger. My T says, "We couldn't have the tenderness we have now if we hadn't fought."

Now I know the therapeutic relationship is not a normal relationship. Maybe this experience does not translate into real life.

I was talking about this to my wife, and she said, "I never fight for a relationship. If you said you wanted to leave me, I'd be devastated but I wouldn't fight it. If you didn't want me, I'd think what's the use."

I'm horrified at this. Our marriage is not (I hope) in any danger, but the idea that my wife would leave its survival entirely up to me is seriously scary. You can bet I'm going to take this up with T.

Reactions?

[lad007]

What your T did was unbelievable it is truly unhealthy to say if you hadn't fought things you couldn't have tenderness. Is this a true story?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I was talking about this to my wife, and she said, "I never fight for a relationship. If you said you wanted to leave me, I'd be devastated but I wouldn't fight it. If you didn't want me, I'd think what's the use."

I think I understand what she's saying, but maybe from a different direction. I have too much self worth to "fight" for a relationship where the other person doesn't want to be with me. Been there, done that. I held steadfast even though I so wanted to be the person to say "f you." But instead I waited, saying "I want to be with you, if you decide you want to be with me. " I said what I wanted and I didn't play games.

If my H said "I don't want to be with you anymore", I'd still have the same attitude: I'm here. But I'm not going to play what seems like a game of "convince me to stay with you." I'm also not going to fist fight some young thing for you. If you want that, then I want you to be happy and you should have that. Be with me for who I am, not out of obligation or because I"m you're best bet for right now or some other reason. Want me, stay with me. Don't want me, leave. I won't stop you.

Anne

[unaluna]

Don't poke the bear.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by lad007

What your T did was unbelievable it is truly unhealthy to say if you hadn't fought things you couldn't have tenderness. Is this a true story?

I swear. That's exactly what she said. She meant it, too.

She said, "Look at literature. The first encounter with the future best friend is always hostile." "Like the Three Musketeers?" "Exactly."

It doesn't make any sense to me either, in my head. But my heart understood. I believe but I can't explain.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I said what I wanted and I didn't play games.

Thanks for your post, but I'm not sure I'm any closer to understanding.

I see our marriage as something valuable, something worth defending, something I won't abandon while there is breath left in my body. Like our daughter.

I'm hurt that my wife doesn't feel the same.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Don't poke the bear.

Who is the bear?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I see our marriage as something valuable, something worth defending, something I won't abandon while there is breath left in my body. Like our daughter.

Then why would you ever leave her?

Confusing. This supposed situation of "defending" your relationship would only come into play if you said you were leaving.

To me, defending a marriage would be a situation where H might say, "I'm unhappy. I'm thinking that I want a divorce." In that situation, I would be willing to do whatever it took to make it work, go to counseling, find ways to spend more time talking or whatever, etc.

But straight up, I don't want *you*, I don't want to be with *you*, *you* are not the person I want to be married to? I am me, I'm not going to try to convince someone to be with me, that I am somehow worthy of being married to you. I'm here, if you want me. YOu know who I am. If you want to be here with me, that's what I want. If you don't, if you want something else, then go with my blessing.

It sounds to me that you are turning this into some kind of "test", for your wife to "prove" to you that she values your marriage. I just think that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Anne

[unaluna]

On the other hand, stuff happens. Misunderstandings, ruptures. As they do in therapy. Spouse does something the other spouse takes as betrayal - what do you mean, you've always hated my mother! Or my cooking, or whatever, I don't know, this is why i've had 3 baaaad r/s, been single more than coupled. Anyway, as in T - do you fight for the r/s, or do you walk away, saying, I can't stand what you did. Is CE asking, what's the breaking point? Now I'm confused!

By don't poke the bear, I meant, don't pick a fight over a "theoretical" situation.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

On the other hand, stuff happens. Misunderstandings, ruptures. As they do in therapy. Spouse does something the other spouse takes as betrayal - what do you mean, you've always hated my mother! Or my cooking, or whatever, I don't know.

Yes, that's what I'm taking about.

And in fact, we've had our share of misunderstandings and we've come through. I need to remember that. It just seemed a strange thing for her to say.