[Immaculata]

I have been dating a man for about 2.5 years. We met at a professional meeting and the first year of our dating was long distance. About 1.5 years ago I packed up my stuff and moved halfway across the country to live near him.

I would have to say that, in general, the relationship has gone downhill from the time I moved. Though I really don't know if it has done so because of me, because of him, or a combination of both. I really can't tell what is real with this guy, and I don't know if that is because he isn't real or I am projecting stuff all over the place.

Before I moved I thought he was:

Loving, helpful, attentive, caring, a good listener, interesting, sweet, kind, loyal, funny, adventurous . . .

I now see him as:

Self-focused, rigid, righteous, controlling, irritable, defensive, distant, argumentative, selfish, anxious, stingy . . . .

I still do view him, periodically, as being loving and attentive, but that is very infrequent.

What I don't understand is how a person can change absolutely 180 degrees. He really does NOT seem like the same man that I fell in love with and I don't understand. And not just a LITTLE BIT not like the man I fell in love with, but REALLY NOT like the man I fell in love with. I feel a bit like I'm in some kind of crazy land. For a year now I've been questioning whether he is still who I thought he was and I AM the one with the problem (not seeing reality) or he actually has changed.

The strange thing is that sometimes, especially when we are in public, he will be who I remember him to be. He will be attentive, caring, funny and sweet. Then like WHAM the next day he is all into himself, his job, his stresses and he doesn't seem to even notice me. If I bring any of this up, oh lordy be help me, he gets so defensive, critical and judgmental of me.

But then I wonder, is it me who isn't seeing reality?

I have NEVER been so confused about a relationship: NEVER. It is so disconcerting and I am so beyond frustrated. I am not sure why I am still around, but one of the things is that I just keep hoping it will be like it was before. So for those little pieces of time that it is, it is like the relationship keeps giving me little bones and I keep waiting around for them.

Thanks for reading,

Immy

[lad007]

I'm sorry you moved, and this is happening. Are you engaged? Did you move because you were going to get married?
If not maybe he changed his mind about the relationship and is afraid to say something. A lot of men will stay in a relationship for the benefits.
Do you really want a long term relationship with someone who is so hot and cold? Don't you deserve to be treated better, and know what to expect from day to day?

[RomanSunburn]

So I just want to start with I totally understand long distance and then moving far away to be together, but unlike your situation, my moving with my now fiance (just my boyfriend when we moved in together) was the best thing I ever did. But I'm not trying to rub that in your face... I just wanted you to know I understand the torments of long distance. I also know that even in a good relationship, adjusting to a new environment, living with someone for the first time, and all of these crazy changes happening at once can be so incredibly tough!

But here's my take on it... When you're long distance, you get only a very small sliver of your beloved's life, regardless of how much time you spend on the phone, on web cam, or even visits. You never really know someone until you've lived with them. It's also a lot easier to look over faults when they're not glaring you in the face 24/7. Not to mention the amount of stress you went through between moving, finding a new job, making new friends, and adjusting to living with someone new. And that's not even mentioning all the things you left behind. But what I'm saying is that he probably didn't really do a 180 degree change; you're simply seeing all of him in his natural habit all the time, ups, downs, and inbetweens. When you're with him in public, he's giving the rest of the world that little sliver you saw before.

If you are still unhappy a year and a half later; meaning you've probably pretty well adjusted to your new life, then it's probably time to move on from the relationship. In my opinion, you've seen him and how he's going to be, and he doesn't seem interested in changing. You could try giving couples therapy a shot if you still want to try to make the relationship work, but from your post I gather he's on the defensive side and this might not go over so well...

Just remember that you have to take care of yourself first. You don't owe this man anything (heck, you moved to be with him, not the other way around..). If you are unhappy, that is reason enough to leave. Good luck!

[Open Eyes]

RomanSunburn has said it perfectly and even gave you an example of how it worked out for her. So she has the nail right on the head here, you now see the whole package, it is not what you thought. Check out time!!!!
Open Eyes