Don't Know Anymore What's Expected of Me

My boyfriend and I have been together 9 years, have a son who's 23 and doing well. I quit drinking 4 years ago, my boyfriend still drinks, but doesn't turn into "Linda Blair" like I used to, but it is affecting his life and mine. I'm not really sure if the drinking is the main problem. We've moved a lot, spent a year in a beautiful apt. in a neighboring town, beside his daughter he gave up for adoption (when she was a baby) and her mom and sister, daughter is now 12. We all worked together and now have a great relationship, but we had to move back as it was costing us too much to both drive back and forth to work. We managed thru a vehicle purchase etc. to get over $9,000 in debt. In June after we moved back here, and he went on a pre-arranged fishing trip to another state (22 hour drive) about 2 weeks later, he had a major depressive episode. He has had smaller episodes in the past, but this time he was off work for a month. We don't like this new place, but it has allowed us to sell our second vehicle as he can walk to work. We also cashed in some RRSP's and have our debt down to $6500.00. I lost my job about a month ago after 8 years with the same firm, but we are not too worried about me finding another job. He fritters away a lot of money on beer, fishing, etc. and tore a strip off of me today (that's how I feel, but he tends to rant and doesn't realize I take it personally). He wants me to "manage" him, tell him "no" when he asks for extra money back from what he has given towards the bills, and come up with suggestions of things we can do together, like going for walks, going to see his daughter or parents, etc. but I know from past experience that I give in to him and what he expresses he "needs". I don't know if I have the energy anymore or enough faith in myself to be the "manager" of our lives. He likes golf, fishing, hiking - I like reading, surfing the net. The one thing we have in common is music, we play together in a dance band and it's a good side income on the weekends. He expressed that he thinks I don't really care about him or our finances if I let him drink his life away with his buddies. I guess I'm afraid of putting the hammer down as I hate confrontation. He has emotional issues with his parents, but they're getting into their seventies and he wants to re-build the relationship, but one therapist said that they are part of causing his episodes. He was diagnosed by one person as bi-polar, the other therapist disagreed. Anyhow, I could go on forever. We want to get out of debt and buy a house within 2 years. I know I have co-dependant traits, maybe I have been sitting by and letting him deterioate, I don't know. I tend to all his physical needs, keep a clean house, food in, etc., but I find his energy level really exhausts me, especially when he is in one of those hyper-anxiety states about our future and all the mistakes we've made, and how everybody else is further ahead than us, etc. He raises his voice and I just withdraw. I am going to take a stab at putting the hammer down, but to be honest, he is also stubborn and usually gets his way. I guess I don't know what I'm driving at here, my day is toast, I am emotionally exhausted by our last discussion and he is gone off to work until after midnight. I think part of it is that I was on days for 8 years, and we really didn't have to communicate, we only saw each other really on the weekends. I don't think our situation is as bad as he does, but he could be right that we won't get anywhere if we keep caving in to our every whim. We are managing the debt and making payments even while I'm unemployed. Where do you draw the line between helping someone and them not taking responsiblity for their own actions? Thanks, I know this is long.

Hi Peppercat, welcome to the forums!

First, congrats on the quitting drinking. I quit 15 years ago, and I know just how hard a task it is. Is there a male version of Linda Blair? That was me...

As you probably know, one thing some alcoholics take into recovery with them is the tendancy to ramble and never make a point. I do that a lot. But I will try to stay focused. I hope when I'm finished, this makes some sense.

You've been thru a lot, and I'm really impressed that you've managed to keep your home and family above water like you have. Many aren't that lucky. You sound like a very strong person. Now, I'm not passing judgement, but you did ask. It really sounds like to me that your boyfriend is looking for validation by you, and for you to fix what's wrong in his life. Wanting you to tell him how much money he can have, when he should and shouldn't drink, providing social activities for him. It's good that he sees that there are problems that need to be be fixed, but he's looking in the wrong places for the answers. I think you know, that with his drinking, and I can assure you, his depression, it all has to start with him. For his depression, he needs to see a doctor, maybe a therapist. You can help him make calls, but make sure he's involved. For his drinking, you know that answer as well as me, maybe a doctor, AA, a recovery center. You know how bad the problem is, I don't. But it sounds like it is a problem, a big one. But again, get him involved. Getting him to recognize the problem, and be part of the solution is very important, it was for me.

I don't think anything more should be expected of you. Take care of your home, be as supportive as you can be, and remember, while all this is going on, you have to take care of yourself. That's a very easy thing to forget to do.

Now, didn't I tell you I could ramble?

I wish you all the best, and I hope you'll keep coming back to visit us.

bp

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Thanks, I kind of thought that. I know that being supportive is the best thing I can be, but that, the same as my sobriety, I had to take the step, and did use a support group at the start. My boyfriend gave me the ultimatum, but it was up to me to actually do it. A male Linda Blair..........glad you're sober too then! :-)

Thanks for the input.