more on sexuality

last night i sat down and flat out said i was gay to myself, it felt really good like a pressure release. i was gonna talk to this lesbian friend of mine and see if i could hang out with her and some of her gay guy friends. well, later that night i just didnt want to anymore and i sorta went back to usual which is just not knowing who i am. i kinda wanted to go get with a guy to experiment and see if i liked it, but i dont want to just go and experiment...it just doesnt seem normal to me, in my head today i dont feel stimulated by any kind of potential gay experience. i can just picture me after something like that, feeling like i had betrayed myself.

i dont know if i am becoming more comfortable with the idea of not being interested in exploring homosexuality; but that aside, i dont understand what has happened between me and my women.

last night i was in a classroom at a meeting with mostly guys and like 5 girls. i was nervous around guys, but i think it is because i dont know how to act like myself. im kind of afraid to be my own man and not just react to how other people are so that i can be the funniest or the coolest or whatever. i need to be my own man who leads by example, for himself.

i think low self esteem and confidence have a lot to do with this, i see nothing obvious (like a stutter or something) that would make me self conscious but last night i closed everything out and just started to flip a %#@&#! inside my head. i was hesitant, bashful, my mind was spittin thoughts out a million times a second about what if this or what if that. it all boils down to me not believing in being strong by myself without anyone or anything to leach onto.

i also have a tough time expressing myself. i remember this girl i was with a few months ago and i liked her a lot and i could tell her how much i did without sounding like a complete retard or wuss.

i like to be liked, like the center or attention or the center of a good time. but if i am, it scares me because i dont know how to act like no matter what i do its right.

actually acting like myself in front of people is one of the most rewarding and scariest feelings i know.

i think me admitting to myself that i was gay last night really took off the pressure of me constantly badgering myself about whether i am or not. it felt good, but at the same time i realized that thats not who i am somewhere inside of me. and i dont have a problem with being open to whatever, but something about that just bothers me. maybe i could be gay and learn to like it, but still i dont feel it would be right at heart.

i just feel truely happy and like myself so infrequently anymore, im exhausting all of my options. my emotions and feelings are all over the board. sometimes i wish for a cream skinned brunette to be laying by my side, and sometimes all i want to do is reject it and escape somewhere.

this will definately be covered at my next T session.

i was in an unusually good mood today

((((((((((( James )))))))))))))

DE

what?

Hi James.

Someone once told me that I was putting entirely too much pressure on myself trying to figure out if I was gay, bi, or straight. I think that is what you are doing here.

Having an open mind is a start. You dont have to commit yourself one way or the other until you have experimented and you can figure out what your preference is. Could be that you like both men and women and that is OK. It is OK is you just like men and it is OK if you just like women. Point is, It's ok.

I also think that talking to your T about this is a great idea. T's can often shed light on our thoughts and give us something to ponder. Just relax.

Please keep us posted. Take good care of yourself James.

Huggles,

Jen


BTW, Darkeyes posted a cyber hug to you up there. Just so ya know (((((James))))), that would be a hug

(((((((((James))))))))

I´ve been there....

James says, "?".

I was only showing a sign, that I feel for you. I have several close relatives, nephews,etc. that are going through a very similar point in their lives, and they often talk with me about how they are feeling, and I am there for them.
Sorry, that left you in question, or feeling uncomfortable with "hugs",if that's how it left you feeling.
I promise I won't reply anymore.

Take care,
DE

hmmm...interesting. I really think your being very hard on yourself. I'm not exactly sure on how you feel, but I can tell you with a bad self esteem it does have a major impact on serious decision making.

I think in order for you to discover who you are and what you want in life, you'll have to fully accept yourself. Then discovering yourself will come along in that process.

Whatever you prefer, man, woman, both.....whatever it is, you'll be okay.

I really hope you get it all figured out for yourself. I think everybody who questions their sexuality goes through this intense confusion.

You'll get it, and then be happy with it.......good luck.
Desirae

I think we all WONDER about this very same issue at one time or another in our life.... and then the answer comes to you when you least expect it.
BTW..... I found out I LOVE MEN!!! - even if they do tend to Urk me at times.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

oh, im not using windows and the graphic wouldnt display.

i go tomorrow, so i will talk to my T about it.

regardless of the topic of this post, there may be other aspects that are distorting my views and not allowing me to really feel who i am. i dont know if i even believe in a feeling of bisexuality, but i do feel one way or i feel the other- sometimes in one day, sometimes for a spell of a few.

one of my major problems is not being allowed to believe in myself and feel like myself in social environments.

tonight i went to a social gathering for school, im gonna say about 40 people were there, girls and guys. well when i got there i was sort of ok but then slowly as time went on i got worse and worse with not just wanting to run out of the room and hide.

homosexuality feels like something that wont leave me alone. like i will be convinced im not, but i will find a way to convince myself that i must be; and then it goes back again.

i get so scared of things and then just flat out depressed other times, its nearly impossible to cope with this.

this was a good weekend for me just with my family and such, so today i was having a pretty good day, i was confident and i didnt really antagonize myself at all. but now, i cant stand to be myself. after that meeting.....it was as if after i had been there for 10 minutes i forgot who i was and i was 200% concerned with how i presented myself and if people were lookin at me and etc etc.

i know nothing intimate at all feels comfortable this second, and this is kind of common. i dont think i can forget about women, but something about guys like makes me feel inferior, like a wuss.

ill update this, and after reading my first post its interesting that the same type of event made me post that night and then tonight.

James - If I may ask?
Was your father around during your childhood years? and/ or were you ever sexually abused as a child (by another male)?

If you do not feel comfortable answering those two question I will truly understand - just trying to help, therefore, we need to go a little deeper than what just seems to be happening here in the present..... for our present life (and feelings) are connected to the past.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

say whatever you want.

no i was not abused in that manner, nor physically, nor verbally from what i can remember but there was yelling. he was around, but definately not the cookie cutter standard of what a father is (or in the movies since i know thats rare).

i have been thinking lately, i have less anxiety about this. for now i settled on just going with feeling. i feel as though i have no hesitation or regret to admire or be curious about men, but intimacy on that level has not appealed to me. i also dont know how much of these feelings are being affected by other mental issues and emotional issues.

i locked eyes with this girl i liked very much and so did she (a few months ago); i did this today. it struck into me, it just made me feel good and i realized i wasnt thinking, i was feeling. when i think i get afraid and when i feel, well i make progress or i fail but its never done with a calculating fear that i know so well now.

i was also thinking today that i must have forgotten how to love. granted most people are not on my level of intellectual thought, and i hate most people, but there are some people i can feel before i even talk to and i am petrified by the thought of communicating and trying to just be friends as a prelude to whatever.
my therapist said i obsess too much about this, he said to stop obsessing and you may find your answer.

the more i think of this, i dont think sexuality is my problem, i have no concerns about it. its something else, possibly related, or maybe the same.....i just wish for a compassionate friend or two and a girl to love. in my purest thought, that is what i find. so often i am confronted with sarcasm and hackneyed responses and solutions to this jaded lifestyle i live, i wish i were sentient and pure.

basically, this issue may not be THE issue. there must be something emotionally taxing on my soul.

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jamesH said:
say whatever you want.

no i was not abused in that manner, nor physically, nor verbally from what i can remember but there was yelling. he was around, but definately not the cookie cutter standard of what a father is (or in the movies since i know thats rare).


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I am SORRY if I offended YOU in any way - for that was not intention..... I was just trying to HELP!! - forgive me if I did any thing wrong.

((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

James, in my experience, I just hung out with people I cared for. I had a lot of sexual feelings all over the map. What happened for me was that I met a man and it was chemistry. That was 25 years ago. I had lesbian friends and straight friends. Just try to stop fixating on it and enjoy the people you like.

my feelings arent clear, not in the least. i dont know what caring for someone feels like anymore, and no one cares for me.

sometimes i will be sure of how i feel, and then something will happen and i will lose my confidence or my sense of worth and i fall into this depression where i just accuse myself of all kinds of things.

i will say it is typical for me, when i accuse myself of being homosexual, that i will be in a very bad, depressed, or otherwise unpleasant mood.

there is clarity in my mind when i can understand what im doing and where im going, and if i think that maybe someone cares about me for real and i can see and touch them.

sometimes i feel like i want to let someone get close, in this instance im talking about a girl, but then i will lose it and just want to be alone and i wont want to even leave my room or communicate with anyone.

its like i woke up yesterday not knowing who i was, where i came from, or what i am supposed to mean in life. its a terrible feeling.