[twistedkitty]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. It's a pretty good relationship. But, He likes to do drugs. Lots of drugs actually. When we started dating I told him I wasn't comfortable with any of it. So he stopped everything but smoking weed, cigarettes, and drinking.
(He is not addicted to anything)
He knows I don't like any of these things, but this being the beginning of our relationship, I let them slide, as long as he was responsible with them.
a few months ago, I told him that he needed to stop smoking pot. That is was important for his future. We live in California, and jobs are already really hard to find. Most jobs drug test. And he doesn't really try to find a job.
So, I feel like he doesn't care abut his own future.
Now, I know I shouldn't have, but I was snooping on his facebook, and I read a message that makes me thing he is still smoking.
So, I bring it up another time, I tell him that trust is so important to me, and lying is something I can't stand. and then I ask him if he is still smoking. He says no. I believe him. But, just this morning, I found two more messages. That cannot be misunderstood. One of them was from a friend asking him if he likes the pot they gave him. and the other one was him telling another friend that he was playing video games and smoking. (after he left me and my friends while we were out at dinner because he said he was tired).
So, I know he is lying now. But it's more than that, Is he ever really going to care about his, and our future? We are supposed to be moving in together soon.
I want to bring this up to him. I know I was wrong by snooping. But he always makes me feel like he's hiding things by freaking out when I touch his phone, or even lean into him when he is messaging people.
But what I'm not sure of, is this something to break up with him over? I know I should talk to him about it, but, is he just going to keep lying to me?

[Rapunzel]

Those are some pretty significant warning signs. How would you deal with it if you did move in with him, and think of all that might be going on in a few months or years from now, say five years down the road, if he is still acting the same as he is now, and maybe you finally find definitive proof, again, that he is using drugs, and all the problems that go along with addiction? Are you willing to take that chance?

[FooZe]

Hi twistedkitty, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by twistedkitty

[snipped] Now, I know I shouldn't have, but I was snooping on his facebook, and I read a message that makes me thing he is still smoking....

I want to bring this up to him. I know I was wrong by snooping. But he always makes me feel like he's hiding things by freaking out when I touch his phone, or even lean into him when he is messaging people.... I know I should talk to him about it, but, is he just going to keep lying to me?

One of the best reasons I've found for not looking at friends' private stuff is that if I did happen to find something I thought I needed to know, it would be so hard to make any good use of it. In this case, your boyfriend could argue that he had just as much right to keep using pot, or to lie to you, as you had to look through his phone and computer.

You mention that "trust is so important" to you but it seems that he can't trust you to respect his privacy. I know I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here, but I can even picture him thinking (and/or telling his friends) that he smokes pot (or does whatever else he does) to get back at you for snooping or nagging or controlling or whatever he chooses to call it.

I think you could still clean up this relationship and start fresh but it would be very difficult and you'd both have to be willing. Perhaps most important, if he felt that he "had to" go along with you because you'd won, you had the goods on him, or you had the better argument, he could go for months or years pretending to cooperate with you while simply doing a better job of covering his tracks. It would be pretty much the mirror image of what you do when you say, "I know I was wrong... but he always..." If you found you were willing to give up that position, you'd then be in a better place to ask him if he was willing to give up his.

If you weren't both willing to work on cleaning up your relationship then as I see it, you'd have two choices: to split up (and quite possibly bring the same issues to your next relationships), or to just keep doing what you're already doing.

--------------------

In an old book (1960s, but still in print) called Games People Play, Eric Berne describes a game he calls "Alcoholic" (that's just the name he gives it -- the "game" doesn't have to have anything to do with alcohol):

The central role is that of the Alcoholic - the one who is "it" - played by White. The chief supporting role is that of the Persecutor, typically played by a member of the opposite sex, usually the spouse. The third role is that of Rescuer, usually played by someone of the same sex, often the good family doctor who is interested in the patient and also in drinking problems.
...
In the initial stages of "Alcoholic," the wife may play all three supporting roles: at midnight the Patsy, undressing him, making him coffee and letting him beat up on her; in the morning the Persecutor, berating him for the evil of his ways; and in the evening the Rescuer, pleading with him to change them.

You can find a longer excerpt here if you're interested.

[Caretaker Leo]

If he is still using...If you don't trust him... My advice is to break it off now.

I ignored the signs you are seeing and ended up married for almost 20 years. Dealing with the aftermath has been a challenge and I still cringe with memories of "covering" for him when he was stoned...

No one is worth giving up your life dreams and expectations. (just my humble opinion).

Trust is huge. Once lost, it takes a very long time to find again. I wish you the best as you work through making the choice that is right for you.

[twistedkitty]

Originally Posted by FooZe

Hi twistedkitty, welcome to Psych Central!

One of the best reasons I've found for not looking at friends' private stuff is that if I did happen to find something I thought I needed to know, it would be so hard to make any good use of it. In this case, your boyfriend could argue that he had just as much right to keep using pot, or to lie to you, as you had to look through his phone and computer.

You mention that "trust is so important" to you but it seems that he can't trust you to respect his privacy. I know I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here, but I can even picture him thinking (and/or telling his friends) that he smokes pot (or does whatever else he does) to get back at you for snooping or nagging or controlling or whatever he chooses to call it.

I think you could still clean up this relationship and start fresh but it would be very difficult and you'd both have to be willing. Perhaps most important, if he felt that he "had to" go along with you because you'd won, you had the goods on him, or you had the better argument, he could go for months or years pretending to cooperate with you while simply doing a better job of covering his tracks. It would be pretty much the mirror image of what you do when you say, "I know I was wrong... but he always..." If you found you were willing to give up that position, you'd then be in a better place to ask him if he was willing to give up his.

If you weren't both willing to work on cleaning up your relationship then as I see it, you'd have two choices: to split up (and quite possibly bring the same issues to your next relationships), or to just keep doing what you're already doing.

--------------------

Yea, Trust is important to me, I actually ran across the first message I found on accident. But, I did go back and look later. I guess it's more not lying that is important to me. But, I also don't object to him reading my texts, or going on my facebook. I guess it is different for everyone though.
I am willing to work on it. I can forgive him for smoking. It'll take a little while for the lying though. But, like I said, it's not specificly that he is smoking, it's that he doesn't make an effort to find a job that doesn't drug test. Which is why I asked him to stop. Even when I knew about him smoking before, he only did about once a week, usually. If he found a job it would be less of an issue.

[twistedkitty]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Those are some pretty significant warning signs. How would you deal with it if you did move in with him, and think of all that might be going on in a few months or years from now, say five years down the road, if he is still acting the same as he is now, and maybe you finally find definitive proof, again, that he is using drugs, and all the problems that go along with addiction? Are you willing to take that chance?

I don't know if I am.
I decided today that I'm going to put off the move one more semester. I'll see if this works out. But I know I need to talk to him about it.
I think everyone is right. Trust is so easily broken. I broke his by snooping. and he broke mine by lying.
I guess I just need to talk to him.
Anymore thoughts would be nice though. I appreciate them.