I just really need to vent.

My boyfriend and I used to be close friends before we became partners. Because of that, he knew all my secrets, including the fact that i had cheated on my previous boyfriend. not realizing that this knowledge would poison our romantic relationship, i naively entered the relationship thinking that the past is the past and it has nothing to do with my current relationship..WRONG! my infidelity to my past boyfriend dictated the whole nature of my current relationship. He took every opportunity to remind me of how i cheated on my ex and he did everything he possibly could to control me so that he could guarantee that I wouldnt do the same to him. And like an idiot!!!! i fell for it. I allowed him to convince me that i was some kind of ***** that needed retribution for her actions. I can't believe i let him do that to me!!1 i cant beleive i allowed myself to feel that way. Im more angry with myself than with him. He says now that he's trying to change,, but every time i get a text on my phone i have to tell him who it's from or risk him becoming paranoid. and even when i do tell him who it is, he asks me if im telling the truth. i was the best girlfriend anyone could possibly ask for. i did everything to prove to him that i wouldnt cheat on him but it was never good enough for him. NOTHING!! NOTHING COULD FIX IT. 4 years later and he's still insecure... and the worst thing, is that after 4 years of being a saint. i finally cheated on him. We broke up. i thought it was over between us and i met someone who made me happy. But my boyfriend and I got back together.. and I'm trying to figure out how to break up with him because although I dont see the other man that made me happy,, i stay in touch with him through phone and text. I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS SPINNING. i have a male friend who is in love with me and although i was straight forward with him and told him i was not interested in dating anyone,, he seems to have misunderstood my intentions for him because of the frequency that i speak with him. I feel guilty because I realize that I'm probably giving him mixed signals. And i have another male friend who confessed that he loves me and I know he wants to be with me. I also told him I wasn't interested in being in any kind of relationship.. No one knows I'm with my current boyfriend now because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone we were back together after all the crap that he put me through. But now i have to go back to the city I used to live in and face two guys who i considered really close friends and have to reject them. i have to break up with my boyfriend of 4 years. And the man I actually want to be with - he lives in another country and the likelihood of us living in the same country within the next two to three years is soo slim i might as well forget about him.. But im soo in love with him. I know i sound like im whining over every girl's dream but i just want all this to stop!!! MY MIND IS SPINNING AND I JUST WANT IT TO STOP. I CANT THINK. I CANT BREATHE. IM DROWNING IN ALL KINDS OF GUILT AND SADNESS. GUILT THAT I DONT WANT TO BE WITH MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. GUILT THAT I HAVE TO HURT BOTH MY FRIENDS' FEELINGS BY REJECTING THEM AND SADNESS THAT I CANT BE WITH THE MAN I SINCERELY WANT TO BE WITH. AND ON TOP OF THAT. I REALLY WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE. I THINK MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND IS A SEXUAL AND I'M DESPERATE. I SOUND LIKE SUCH A PATHETIC PERSON, BUT I AM SO OVERWHELMED WITH EVERYTHING AND THE WELLBUTRIN I AM TAKING DOESNT HELP WITH ANY OF THIS! AND MY PSYCHIATRIST RECENTLY TOLD ME THAT I MIGHT BE BIPOLAR AND HAVE ADHD AND I'M CURRENTLY DESPERATELY TRYING TO PASS MY LAW SCHOOL EXAMS WHILE FEUDING WITH MY PARENTS WHO TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A UNIVERSITY DEGREE AND I AM IN LAW SCHOOL NOW AND I HAVENT LIVED WITH THEM IN NEARLY 10 YEARS!!!!!! AND MY BROTHER, HE DRIVES ME CRAZY. I WILL BE STAYING WITH HIM FOR ABOUT A MONTH. I HAVENT EVEN GONE TO STAY WITH HIM YET AND HE'S ALREADY PLACING CONDITIONS ON WHO CAN VISIT AT HIS PLACE AND MAKING PLANS AS TO WHAT HIM AND I WILL BE DOING. okay i really dont mean to sound ungrateful but for once i want to just do whatever i want to and not have to worry about everyone else's feelings. IM SICK OF THIS. IM SICK OF ALL OF THIS. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! I havent even started my vacation yet and i have all of this anxiety inside me about it. I want to go home and visit my friends but my heart feels tight and i cant breathe because there are so many expectations of me already. i just want everyone to leave me alone. i want all of this to stop. STOP IT STOP STOP IT STOP IT!!!! MY MIND HURTS.

(((((gypsyprincess)))))

Wow, just reading this post made me feel dizzy. Sounds like you are going through a very tough time! Do you have a therapist that you can talk to about these problems in your life?

Well i hope it made you feel better to get all that off your chest. I think you said it best in your last line. You want everybody to leave you alone. You have the power to make that happen. It sounds like you need a break from it all. time to sort out all your thoughts and feelings. Get away from it all. Have you tried being alone? Take time for yourself to discover who you are and what you want out of life? What you want out of a partner? Why dont you make your vacation all about you?

Hahaha! I can't believe you actually read any of it... sorry about that! thanks though,, i got a little laugh out of reading your post.. although i'm not sure you actually intended that. but thank you for writing back.

I do have a psychiatrist.. only thing is he costs $170 a session and it's tough to make an appointment with him in less than two weeks notice. and I'm leaving for Toronto in a week so I really don't have the time. And i think my girlfriends are sick of listening to me talk about this. I learned a long time a go that as well intentioned and caring as your friends may be, most people reach a point when the dont know what to say anymore and they stop wanting to listen.

Would you believe me if I said making the vacation all about me would require money? I really want to go home, and I can't go home without money and even when i go there i need a place to stay and i cant afford to do anything but stay at my brother's place and with that comes a thousand and one obligations. I really wish i could take a vacation that i could make just about me. Law school has put me in way too much debt though.

Haha and btw, I try to take time off from my life every summer and I pretty much isolate myself from the world,, but when Im ready to get back into it,, i find a lot of people I have to explain my absence to and apologize for not staying in touch for a few months. That's a hell of it's own. haha sorry! i'm unloading again...

It all seems a little too much for you, and once things start hurting you more than helping you then you know you need to make some changes.

So what can you do:
1. Tell your guy friends that you are not ready for any kind of relationship and you dont want to hurt them, but you dont feel the same way. you do not have to mention that your back with your ex just say that your feelings are not the same as their's. You said you did not intentionally lead them on, i think next time you should probably set your boundaries down first because this will stop people from getting hurt as much. because people do not fall in love with other people wihout a little encouragement, and you sad your self your living every gtls dream ( well personally having a conttrolling boyfriend, two heartbroken friends and being separated from the love of my love, sounds more like a nightmare to me).

2. Break up with your ex, you know its not working have sex with him if you want, but break up with him because for one he does not trust you he has never trusted you he manipulated your guilt about how you felt about cheating on your boyfriend and because he contantly did not trust him you did it again, though im not saying it is his fault, but this is a perfect example of why trust is the centre and most important element of a relationship and once is gone the relationship is ususally doomed to die though not always, that being siad he enver trusted you, and if it did not work the first time it probably will not work the second so its time to move on and you know it.

3. Move to your brotehrs and sux up his rules for now until you are in a bettter position later on to do soemthing about it, and your parens are your parents they are always going to be the same. even when our thirty there still going to think they can tell you what to do. Unfortunately it is one of thsoe things.

4. Look after yourslef you cannot make anyone happy until you make yourself happy. It going to be hard to hurt all these peoples feelings, but you know what you have to do, as it is all to much or you right now.

You have to be able to look after yourself bedore ou can look after anyone else.

Hope that helps, and good luck! and im sorry that things are so hard right now.

Take a break. Breathe. And then think calmly that what exactly do you want? List all the pros and cons and then decide.