[LifeHappens]

I am engaged to a depressed man for two years now. I am in my 30s and I have dated in the past and I can say with 100% certainty that my fiance is "the one" and I have vowed to myself, and to him, that I will NEVER leave his side. I am not with him because I don't have any other options or self-confidence to move on...I remain with him because I want to...because, yes this is cliche, he completes me and I won't find another heart out there that makes mine pump the way that he does (I speak from experience). So, I just wanted to start off with that disclaimer to all those who are going to say, "don't marry him, get away while you can"...that is not an option for me, and I hope that my choice can be respected.

As I mentioned in my subject, I will have to act as a therapist of sorts for my fiance...the reason being, we live in a part of the world where there are no therapists and seeing a psychologist (even if there was one, which there isn't) is seen as some kind of sign of weakness or "western" invention. My fiance feels the closest to me. He shares things with me that he doesn't with others. It took him a long time to finally let his guard down around me and open up, but he finally has for the past year. In his better moods, we discuss his depression openly, and he understands that he needs "help." We have talked about going out and doing sports, which will probably result in me physically pulling him to do it (even though he really wants to, he is tired a lot and loses motivation). Since he needs help, I am the only one he trusts and the only one in the position to do so, so I must help him...

Can anyone please help me help him? I can't afford to buy books or sign up online and pay $ to talk to someone, I just need advice from people who have experience with this...

1) How do I escape getting sucked into his irrationality when he is depressed? It usually starts off with him being irritated, not by me, but by other situations that spark him off (usually his family)...then, he lashes out at me, very calmly, always under the guise "I just want to talk to you and have a conversation with you, if I can't talk to you who can I talk to?" And, I ALWAYS take the bait!! You think I'd have learned by now, be he says things that seem "rational" and then, out of nowhere, he will be all cuddled in the fetal position and saying things to me like "I don't see a future for us, I just want to escape from all of you." Stupidly, and I should know better by now, I cry and get drawn in and also say dramatic and irrational things like, "I just want to make you happy, if you ever prefer to be alone then if that makes you happy, I will let you be." I realized after saying that how ridiculous that is!! I know he doesn't want to be alone, he has told me repeatedly amounts of times while he is not depressed "please never leave me" and I should have just said, sorry, you are stuck with me, deal with it, and just tried to avoid speaking to him. I also don't know if it's best for him to be alone in these situations (he has his own apartment) or if I should let him sleep at my place during those episodes? If he is alone, he tends to mope and get sucked deeper and deeper into his own negativity unless someone intervenes.

2) His depression stems from his guilt. He is unhappy with his life and feels helpless to do anything about it. He would rather be elsewhere but has this martyr personality that he feels he must stay close to his family (it wasn't always like this, he left them when he was younger and was alone for a large part of his life) to take care of them, when none of them could care less about helping him in return...there is an overwhelming selfishness, like everyone in his family has their own family, kids, houses, and they depend on him because he is single (and, I guess they think, has nothing better to do with his time) to take care of everything. He works 7 days a week, 10 hours a day! And he has all the possibility in the world, with an advanced graduate degree, to leave this situation and go somewhere and have a professional job and happier life. When he thinks about escaping from this, he feels guilty...and gets depressed. When he thinks about staying, he feels depressed and helpless. When he thinks about all the times he has "made me sad" with his depression, he feels guilty and gets depressed. And I am afraid that him telling me "it's not going to work with us in the future, this is an unhealthy relationship" is stemming from his guilt and he, like most people, is not respecting that I CHOOSE to be with him! I could, at any minute, walk away...but I choose not to. How do I help him? I feel like at times kidnapping him away from here? I don't think he'd mind!! I just feel like he is incapable of taking the first step to get away from here, and requires me to get a job somewhere else and set up a life there for him to follow.

Any tips, advice, site recommendations, so that I could get techniques for dealing with this type of relationship because when he gets into his moods, I get nervous, I don't know how to act, what to say, I'm walking on eggshells...and he notices, it irritates him more, he says I should just act like myself or else it's unnatural but how can I act like myself when anything I say, he will jump on?

Thank you, dear ones!

[Caretaker Leo]

It appears that you really, truly love him. But (IMHO) it appears that that there are signs of co-dependency in your post.

I believe that he would benefit from seeing a licensed therapist and perhaps being on some med. Forget the idea that it is a sign of weakness to seek help. Only when more and more of us do - that is when others will understand that it takes courage and strength to ask for help.

IMHO - You can't "fix" him - no matter how much you love him. And you will eventually become exhausted and worn down if you are his only outlet for talking about his issues.

[lad007]

I get Psych Central Newsletter and there is a section where people have asked questions and a therapist answers, I've never tried it, but you may want to check it out and see if they can answer your question. Good luck with this.

[RonPSH]

Originally Posted by LifeHappens

Any tips, advice, site recommendations, so that I could get techniques for dealing with this type of relationship because when he gets into his moods, I get nervous, I don't know how to act, what to say, I'm walking on eggshells...and he notices, it irritates him more, he says I should just act like myself or else it's unnatural but how can I act like myself when anything I say, he will jump on?

Thank you, dear ones!

He projects on you that you should leave him because he wants to leave him. If he wants to leave himself he can't see why anyone would want to be with him. Those kinds of expressions speak for him about him and it's hard when he "speaks" for you because inside you're loving him, not leaving him and he doesn't see the love because he doesn't know what love is.

And when he tells you to just be yourself, he's wishing he could just be himself.

The guy is really intelligent. He sees the problem and he sees the ideal but he can't see the bridge between the two in order to leave depression and enjoy life.

He sees that he can't be happy without being himself but he can't see how to get the courage to be himself because of all the fear telling him "NO!!!!".

I was him, but my version, my life situation but I see the old me in your descriptions.

There is NO substitute to not being oneself. The hardest thing to see are the mental conditionings from society, the habitual thoughts that are the cultural and "morality" programmed into us. These conditionings run like software, taking a part of our lives and making us robotic. A good example is any holiday....the society moves like a herd doing the same thing unable to stop.

It's an arduous path out of waking up to the confusion. The mind has its grip on him and to with win the battle with the mind requires facing a ton of fears and rejection from those that are accustomed to relying on him in co-dependency. We all want to love and when we cut these people off, it doesn't feel like love, but to be a crutch means that they never grow to accept and love themselves.

Here's something I wrote about depression. http://www.profound-self-help.com/de...self-help.html

Ron

[LylaJean]

Life Happens-

I, too, have been just like your fiance. He's very lucky to have someone who is aware and trying to help him deal with his issues. I think a good step forward is just to really ask him and have a conversation about what he wants you to do to handle his episodes, specifically. "Just be yourself" isn't an answer. Does he want to be left alone? Does he want to be held? Does he want the drama? Maybe he just wants a cup of tea and a distraction? I know for me, when I used to have those episodes, I'd also tell my husband to leave me. I'd tell him I was leaving him. Once I even walked outside in a rainstorm and tried to walk across the county, thinking irrationally that I would find a place to spend the night away from him. I eventually came home. All of it stemmed from me thinking "I can never be good enough for him". I really felt that he would never be happy as long as I was around. And it took me taking the step to find medication (therapy wasn't enough for me) to pull me out of that fog and begin seeing life realistically. You're doing the right thing by searching for answers. Get as much information on depression as you can. I know, for me, I absolutely never wanted to be left alone. I asked my husband to just try and ignore anything I might say in that moment and stay with me. Sometimes I needed him to sit there and argue with me until we reached a breaking point. Sometimes I needed to sleep with him by my side. And he made sure that he had support, too. He found a good friend that he could talk to about what I was saying and what had been happening, so that he wasn't living in my depressed little world all alone. I think that is important for you to find, too. A good deal of partners of those of us who have depression will develop depression themselves. I will have you on my heart and mind. Let us know what we can do to help. If you feel like you need to speak to someone individually, send me a message. My husband will help me answer, too, as to how he feels and how he has found help in dealing with my issues. (He loves that I'm on this site because I share with him more now)