My father still speaks to my abuser....

Hello everyone....

I have somewhat of a dilemma and I'm posting this to get a little outside feedback from others...

Years ago, I was raped by my older "brother"...It happened once...Was going to happen again...It happened so long ago that I can't remember my age...I was in grade school...Very young...This is something that I have basically carried throughout my whole life...Telling maybe a handful of people...It was one of those things were I basically pushed it back in my mind, and moved on with life....

Over 5 years ago, when I was pregnant with my daughter, everything about that incident came back to me and I began to get depressed and had some issues. At that point, I never told my father...This "brother" is my father's son...We don't have the same mother. I told my father what happened to me when my daughter was a baby...Because I wanted to protect her...I knew that she would frequently be spending time with my father, so I wanted to be honest with him about what happened because I didn't want my daughter anywhere near "HIM"...I expressed to him that I did not want my daughter anywhere near HIM...All of this came out because I was visiting my father at his home. HE happened to stop by, and he went to touch my daughter and I straight lost it...Needless to say, we left because I was about to kill dude...

Fast forward to the last year or so...I gave my father very graphic details about what happened to me...One of the first things he asked was, "Are you sure you aren't making this up? Are you sure that he did that? Because I know young kids make up things"...I almost lost it when he said that...But because I respect my father, I dropped it...I answered his questions...He asked me what I wanted him to do...Saying, "Do you want me to kill him?"..We talked in great length about it...He told me that he wouldn't have anything to do with HIM...He lied to me...

Let me go back and say...I have always been a daddy's girl...I have always adored my father and wanted nothing but to please him my whole life...I love him with everything in me...Me and my mother have never been close but me and my father have always had a very open relationship with one another where I can tell him anything...He doesn't know that me and my step mother talk when he isn't around...My step mother says casually one day, "Yea girl you know HE came over the other day and him and your father were drinking beers having a good old time." You do not understand the pain that I felt when I heard that..It killed me...I had to leave my house to gather myself before I lost it...Me and my father discussed this happening and he said he wouldn't deal with HIM anymore....

Fast forward to the last year...I found out AGAIN from my step mother that those two were talking again...A regular son father relationship...As regular as you can get with our dysfunstional family...I decided I wasn't going to say anything to my father about it...But I changed my mind a couple of weeks ago...I called him and said, "If you talk to HIM, please don't tell him anything about me, my daughter, or my family...He doesn't deserve it." My father lied to me...He didn't know that I knew what I knew so he bold faced LIED...Downplaying the situation saying he only says, "Hi" and "bye" to him if he sees him...He says, "I can't just ignore him so i speak"...I lost it on the phone because he wasn't being honest...It wasn't just the fact that they were speaking, because honestly, I can't control who he decides to have a relationship with...But for him to lie, it angered and hurt me...The phone call ended and we haven't spoken since...

I'm hurt...But after that phone call, I decided to let it go...Focus on my family, my life and work...I just don't understand how and why my father could do this...He knows the pain I've felt from what happened...

I need to make this very clear...I'm "over" what happened years ago..I can't change what happened...I can only ask God to be my strength...I don't dwell on the past..This isn't a woe is me thing...I firmly believe that HE will get what he deserves...But my father...I just can't...I don't understand it...When I ask him he says he feels stuck in the middle...He doesn't want to turn his back on HIM...Are you serious? I won't even post on here what I would do if someone did that to my child...And it wouldn't even matter who it was that did it...I can't...I just can't...

HE and my father have a very on again and off again relationship...They go years without speaking then when HE needs money or a loan, he calls my dad...This adds insult to injury because time and time again, HE will use my father, cause him pain and grief, and treats him like ****...

Is there anyone that can provide some kind of insight on this? Anyone had anything similar happen to them?

Edit: I would like to add..I know how I feel about the situation and I'm not asking anyone here to validate how I feel...To me, their relationship, considering the circumstances is not cool...Not cool at all...I will never be happy about it...It will always bother me...I love my father and understand him feeling like he's in the middle...I'm just looking for any type of input from someone...

How old was your half brother when he raped you? It sounds to me like he was a very messed up kid (not condoning what he did!) himself. I would not try to control your father and make him having a relationship with his son a minefield, your brother could have changed or gotten help or not even realize it was not just a "prank" on his part. I would leave your father and what he thinks, says, does alone and if your brother comes over when you are at your father's pointedly tell your brother you are leaving because of what he did to you thirty years ago, etc. and that you do not trust or respect him and will not tolerate his being around your daughter, etc.

Is he married, have kids, anything? I think the only way to feel better about the whole situation is to stand up to your brother and accuse him to his face, like they let victims do in court. Ask him point blank (if he happens to be around when you are) how dare he? (come around, act as if nothing is wrong, etc.).

He was a teenager at the time that it happened...Old enough to know better...He wasn't 12 or 13 or 14...He was older...It wasn't experimenting, it's was violation....I can't rock with it being a mistake...Because he was going to do it again...

And no he hasn't gotten help...Because he can't even admit to what he did...I don't need to stand up to his face...I would kill him...And my dad already knows what it is...He already knows not to have HIM there when I am there...To avoid any problems...

Look, I know that kids experiment when they get curious...This wasn't experimenting...I'm very aware of how and why kids experiment, which is why i watch my daughter closely...I'm not playing that...We not doing the experimenting thing this time around...Family or not, I don't care...I don't trust everyone with or around my child...It's for the best...Cause I would have to happily go to the penn if anything happened to her...

Edit: I could care less why he did it or where his head is at now...I wouldn't piss on dude if he was on fire...I'm not wasting time on trying to figure out why this and what that...My concern in my relationship with my father...Yes he has children...And I learned recently that dude is on crack...Ha! talk about karma...THAT alone leads me to believe that dude has demons...Or something that he is fighting...He ain't right in the head and look at what he is doing now...Strung out on drugs...Family done left him...Again, I don't care what he has going on...Not my concern...

You are right. The relationship btwn them is sooo not cool. I am furious just reading about it. You cant control what others do, just what you do. Love and focus on your daughter. She's the light of your life.

.Your Dad obviously does not understand tough love. He does't want to alienate either one of you and some parents are that way with flesh and blood members. The son uses your Dad and is selfish about it. Your Dad is loving and hates to tell his child "NO". I have seen many , mostly mothers, who ruin their children because they want stand up to them with a solid "NO". They had rather be their children's friends than be a parent and have specific boundries. Little do they understand they open themselves up for bad/selfish behavior aimed toward themselves when firm lines are not drawn on ethical behaviour with their children.

I'm sure the news of what happen to you, was overwhelming to your father and maybe met with denial about the issue. Instead
of grasping the idea, he is still hoping against hope that you are mistaken. He might
have to confront his own rearing of his son, and feel failure and it's my fault type of thing.

If he is not allowing the son to be there at the same time you are....that's a positive sign that he knows this is extremely upsetting for you. Just rambling here, but do concentrate on yourself; controlling anyone but ones self can't be done. Hugs, bj

i can totally relate! it's like your father doesn't validate what his son did to you.

my oldest cousin molested me when i was 12 to 14 years old. when i was 14 i told my ma and she said, oh he was just kidding, he was on drugs, are you sure? she had all of these excuses because this was her sister son.

just like you my ma says hi to him, you want to talk about a slap in the face my ma even had him a pallbearer for my dad funeral and me begging her not to have him anywhere near my father, but it fell on deaf ears.

i forgave the animal, but i will never ever forget what he did to me. shame on my mother, because she never confronted her sister or the animal he molested my younger cousin too.

First off I'm so sorry for what you went through. But to me it sounds like you're desperately looking for you Father to side with YOU. And it sounds like he's not ready to do that. Now I'm not saying anything in this is your fault or affected by your ANYTHING please don't read it that way, but if you look from his side... all these years have gone by that he has thought of his son as a normal decent human being. I'm assuming he's never been called out on anything similar before? So all of a sudden you come and say this horrible thing, but your Father has this ongoing relationship with his son, and he doesn't seem READY to let that go, or READY to believe that someone he is so close with has done such a horrible thing to his daughter.

So I think you're going to have to work it from that angle - that you can't make your father stop talking with HIM, or control what is said to HIM. You can definitely ask that you are not discussed, like you did. But I'm sorry it sounds like you have to accept that now, give your Father chances to change his mind but keep yourself and your baby safe is the most important.

so sorry he won't see the truth