[sakijuju]

I need some advice any help would be appreciated. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. Recently we have had a lot of arguments almost resulting in breaking up. Now she has chosen not see each other anymore until she gets better and find something that makes her happy. She loves with her parents right now going to college and her dad drinks a lot abd verbally abuses the family. Shes to the point of breaking. She told me that Im not the only reason why she wants to make herself better but better for herslf so it can make our relationship better. I feel that im driving her away and its making me sad to the point of serious depression. I feel that I cant make her happy anymore. I support her in everything she does but i feel that she wasnt really thinking about me all too much in her choice. You see we can only see each other once a week. The reasons are because her dad is basically restricting her and not letting her go anywhere and because of her school. She has to follow her dads rules cause its his house and cause she has no where else to go. I am also living with my mom going to college to save money. Right now I feel that I cant make her happy regardless of what I do or say. She says we are still together but she dont want to see me. Now she says this because she says everytime shes with me she feels free and happy and then after we spend the day together and go back home she gets depressed cause she has to go back to that abusive life. So now i am depressed to the point that i think I should let her go but im in love with her and will do anything to keep her. We have been through too much to just end it. I just need some advice on what some of you think I should do. I really need some advice on this.

[sakijuju]

Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

[princecharming]

It’s reassuring that she continues to say that you are still together. She may not be ready to be in a healthy relationship, since she has also stated that she wants to make herself better so the relationship can be better. If her dad drinks a lot, she might have a lot of problems to work out.
You could move into your own place. It might hinder your ability to save money and college might take longer, but you would have the freedom to invite her over or even to live with you. It will also seem very seductive that you are independent and able to take care of yourself.
If this isn’t what you want, then the whole reason why you would do this is for her (or for the ability perhaps to be independent and, thus, more at liberty to pursue intimate relationships.)
You can only do so much to try to make her happy, and it will not be worth it if you are making yourself unhappy or stifling your own success in the meantime.
No matter what you do, she may be unhappy because of things that you have no control over, and she may need to find happiness her own way.

[DHolmes]

Originally Posted by sakijuju

Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

Sounds a lot like me although not drinking. I think the verbal abuse just gathers over time and you start believing what is said about you. In my case I have a bad problem with being anti social and second guessing myself and I don't really know who I am and am also looking into self help. My husband and I have been married 4 years and we too have been arguing non stop and blame each other. Just be there for her and support her if you truly love her

[sakijuju]

Thank you I truly do love her and will do anything in the world for her

[sakijuju]

Thanks for the advice people I have a lot of problems letting my emotions out the right way and it ends up hurting people and pushing them away. It happened today with me and my girlfriend today and now shes saying she dosent know if she loves me anymore and that she has no reason to care about me anymore. Honestly I cried a lot and asked her if she can give me one more chance. After of begging with her she told me she will think about it. What else could I say to her to make her believe that I can change and get the help that I need.

[Confusedinomicon]

You honestly need a REAL heart to heart with her. I think it would help if you give her a week (so she knows you will have this discussion) and then share your insecurities with her and hopefully she will share hers.

I think it's important to truly know where each other stand and reevaluate the relationship. It may not be the most ideal situation, but you need to know where she stands in the relationship and if she really wants to continue it. I am not saying that the relationship is doomed, but honesty is crucial! You have to really want to be with the other person and if one party is struggling to stay on board, you should be able to love them enough to let them go.

Also, you want to have a healthy relationship. Right now it doesn't sound healthy, especially if you are depressed which you stated was an outcome of this situation. Something else that may help her is if you help her find the resource center at her university/college. She may be able to see a therapist for free for a few sessions or they may be able to help her create a payment plan that would omit her father from the picture.

If you need help finding the resource center, you can PM me and I can maybe help you in the right direction. I also think this could benefit you to see a therapist or talk to a 3rd party person that you actually know who can help support you. Good luck!

[sakijuju]

Thank you guys for giving me some advice. Right where at a point where we r together but we are going to solve are problems first before we actually see each other. The next thing i need to work on is learnign how to back away from a person when their angry normally if I start a convo and Im a little upset I keep going and then they start getting mad and yelling and then we are both going at it but then I try to stop after it has escalated but it only comes out bad. So im trying to learn how to but i dont think im using the right methods so someone please give me some advice.

[Confusedinomicon]

All you can really do learn the warning signs and drop it if the person asks.

Another thing that may help between you and your girlfriend may be setting up a word/phrase that indicates either of you would like to stop the conversation right there. Maybe saying "Please stop now" could work??

[sakijuju]

I understand about the warning things but most of the arguments that ive have started are about not being able to see her like I want too. Its just I want to show her love more than just one day and I feel that this fact is tearing us apart

[Confusedinomicon]

Anytime you are in love with someone you'd want to spend as much time with them. However, you have to deal with the constraints she has. I am sure that she would love to see you more, too, but maybe it is hard for her given her circumstances? Can you call or text her?

You don't have to see her everyday to show her you love her.