[Drew Boo Bear]

Hi, my name is drew and me and my boyfriend have been dating for more than 3 months, we have dated before but we always broke up over stupid things. This time i thought he would change everything and we would be fine. I know im only in highschool but im more mature then everyone in my school. You can find druggies, girls getting pregnant, and people using/ backstabbing someone else. Im a sophomore and my boyfriend is a freshman but we are pretty serious and i love him a lot but, about 2 weeks ago he smoked some cigarettes with one of his friends while we were hanging out, i was not with him at the time but, it hurt me a lot because he said he would never smoke again. I talked to him about it and i said tell me everything right now if there's anything else and, he said there was nothing else that he had to say. So we moved pasted that and i was starting to trust him again. Then, this past weekend we went to a party and he drank a little vodka before, which i didn't know about. I got really mad because i had to babysit him the whole night and he shouldn't have drank anything especially when im not there because i still didn't trust him fully. Then, i talked to him that night in person and i asked him, what did he gain from drinking that? He had around 5 people having to take care of him, which made us have a terrible night. I asked him all these questions like why did you do this, and why did you have cigarettes in your pockets? He said he has been smoking ever since the 6th grade and this past week he had done drugs and just didn't know what to do with him self, i guess he was depressed but he didn't know why. I felt so crushed inside when he said that, i thought things were going to change this time around but, there he goes hurting me again. But, he said hes only doing this stuff to fit in because he felt that since he was gay he couldn't fit in and he didn't want to be an outsider. i felt bad for him but drugs and smoking, he said that stuff "got him away" from all of that and he could think about other things. So, i talked to him for about 2 hours about life and how it will get better and how he has to put an end to all of this stuff and how he needs to make better decisions and that i'll always be there for him. I didn't dump him but i felt as though i should of but, he needed help and if i dumped him he wouldn't have gotten better. So i talked to him the next day and i guess were okay but, on the inside im still scarred and i don't want him to mess up again and lose me because i don't want to lose him. I feel like i have to watch over him and i don't know if i still love him after knowing all of that about him. I felt betrayed and angry inside and totally crushed by what he told me about smoking and all of his problems.After, talking to him he said that he would try to never do those things anymore and that he didn't want to lose me over a dumb smoke and that it meant everything to him that i am the only person that has stuck by him and hasn't ditched him. His family isn't helping him, his friends or the people he's trying to "fit in" with aren't helping. Did i do the right thing to stay with him? Do you think i will ever love the same guy i fell in love with before? I feel like i need to talk to someone about this and i need help on what to do with him and myself. I dont know if i still love him or like him after all of this, im hopefully hanging out with him, just me and him, today or tomorrow so i can see if we still have a connection

[Leed]

Did I read that right that he is Gay? If so, you two aren't really an "item", right?

You need to tell him that by doing drugs & smoking is NOT going to help him to fit in. All it is doing is wrecking his body, and putting him at risk of getting addicted. Not only that, but it's ILLEGAL!!!

Why would he want to fit in with druggies and drunks??? Who the heck wants to hang around a bunch of dopes like that? All thats going to do is get him into trouble! His grades are going to suffer by doing that stuff cause it kills brain cells. Does he know that? It's true. And those brain cells do NOT "grow back."

He just needs to be himself and not worry about "fitting in" with any certain bunch of people. If people don't like him the way he is, then they aren't worth messing with. He's just FINE the way he is!!! Tell him NOT to change for anyone!

Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[fromGreenland]

Dear Drew, reading your post was like someone else telling my past about the two relationships I've had.
I've loved guys who had so many problems that they did not even had the strength to give back the love that I needed. Of course back in the day I said that I didn't care if they couldn't show it cuz I knew they truly loved me. What I didn't know was that I was never going to get my fairy tale out of it. I used to think that if I tried hard enough, loved them enough, gave ALL my time and devotion to them, they eventually wouldn't care about anything else but loving me. That some day they'd realize how much they're loved by me and start being the perfect guy, just for me, all my effort being "paid back" with unconditional love.
Until I found a book of Robin Norwood: "WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH when you keep wishing and hoping he'll change"

I dearly wish for you that you are not a woman who loves too much, and I really hope for you that he is capable of seeing your unconditional love, BUT if this goes on in more than six months and so on, I'm afraid it'll tear you both apart, individually.
I really hope the best for you, Love is such a beautiful way of being, but please don't martyr yourself any longer if you simply can't see changes that are good for you both.

Hope my message is sound and clear and mostly helpful, English is my third language x)

Take care <3
Heidi.