Would this bother you?

Hi all

I don't post here much but I really like this site and wondered if people had any opinions on this.

I started a long distance relationship with a guy last summer. Due to the distance and ill health we haven't been able to meet up much and we mostly communicate via phone and skype. He's a good talker and fortunately we never seem to run out of things to discuss.

Initially it felt a really good relationship especially as I've been single for a few years since my very controlling marriage ended. He is much more easygoing than my ex and not in the least controlling so I felt for a time that this was right.

Now I guess I'm losing heart. The distance is hard but due to health problems that is kind of inevitable and at the moment I would not be able to date regularly anyway. But what is really bothering me is that he hates psychology, which I'm studying at the moment. I really love it and I'm hoping to start a career in it later on if my health improves.

I knew my boyfriend disliked psychology but I was shocked the other day when he sort of debunked the whole thing using a rather graphic swear word beginning with b! I felt really offended and I guess I took it personally whereas he sees psychology as separate from me. To him, we have separate interests and that's fine. He is studying biology and that's his great love; he talks about it a lot and I guess I feel niggled that he can share that with me when I can't share psychology. I've reached the point of feeling I have to defend my subject, which I know is mad.

I'm wondering if I'm being too picky and sensitive about this. Maybe it's perfectly okay to have separate interests. It's clearly not a problem for him. But I feel sad. I wish I could mention my course without feeling uncomfortable. It's not that he doesn't try to see things from my viewpoint because he does. I know he's had bad experiences with psychs in the past and this has affected him too, which he acknowledges.

We do have common interests in other areas (nature etc) and he is generally a nice bloke, but psychology and spirituality are subjects that mean a lot to me and I can't share them with him.

I probably should tell him how I feel but at the moment I don't feel I can do that. I wanted to wait until we met up in person but I don't know when that will happen.

Any thoughts welcome

Yeah it would bother me. 2 thoughts: 1. Your partner in life needs to honor and support the path you are on. 2. Your bfriend probably calls psychology the b word as he may have some issues he is not ready to look at.

A lot of psychology has a scientific base and most of it does NOT study abnormal behavior. He must not know a lot about the subject. :\

I agree with likewater, too.

Can you share with him what you have posted here? His reaction may help you decide whether you want to continue the relationship with him.

Dreamy01,
I have a friend that talks down about psychologists and often thinks it is a way to brain wash people. This friend studied it years ago and there is so much more known today about it then back when she was studying it. When I told this friend I was joining this site and seeking therapy she told me that I was allowing myself to luxuriate in my mental illness and that what I really needed to do is go out more and change some things in my life and even plan a vacation with my husband. She was insisting that it was a mind over matter thing and by my efforts to learn more about it all I would do is sink further into it and become brain washed.

I find it odd that your friend is so into biology and yet can't see that there is a lot biology in the human brain that is being studied and many efforts are being made to understand the mental illnesses that plague so many human beings.

I have to say that as you get more and more interested in psychology and the human brain his insistance on being ignorant will distance you from him. I respect you for taking such an interest in the human brain and learning about what it means to struggle with some kind of mental illness that really is not all about a simple mind over matter. While there is a lot of promise in the fact that the human brain has more capacity to overcome and there is more being learned about the pasticity of the brain, there will be better therapies to treat some mental illnesses. Oh, I cannot blame you for being interested in learning about that. He is probably being more narrow minded in thinking that psychology is nothing more than some kind of money making scam that isn't really helpful or significant. He no doubt may have experienced therapy that may not have helped him personally and now feels it is useless propoganda, that does happen.

Unfortunately if someone feels they are well balanced and doing ok, they are often not interested in considering the facets of psychology and the mental issues that may people address. Unfortunately to them it is merely a matter of allowing one's self to be weak somehow and he isn't interested in those that are too weak to "Just grow up and deal". He doesn't know nor does he care to know, and that is what your addressing.

But you care to know right? Well, then you have to get to know others that also care to know and CAN talk to you about it willingly. It took me a while to understand that my friend was just going to have her point of view and no she wasn't interested in engaging in a conversation about what I was learning, she was only interested in HER viewpoint on the matter.

Dreamy, I have come to realize the more I learn about mental illness, is that there sure are a lot of ignorant people out there who have no interest in what I am learning. You would think I had joined a terrible cult of some kind.

I am sure this man is a nice guy and I don't want to paint him into a bad picture.
But he is what he is and YOU have to be who YOU are and you MAY just outgrow him. You cannot make others be like you, want to learn what you are learning, that is just the way life is, the way many people are, but it shouldn't stop you from filling your own desires to gain knowledge as you see fit.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Thanks so much for the thoughts, it really helps to know it isn't just me being over sensitive or touchy. I keep trying to tell myself it isn't but I still seem to need that validation because the issue is so painful.

Open Eyes and Confused, I think you are both absolutely right. I think my friend does see psychology as more about abnormal behaviour/mental illness than having a scientific basis. I really struggle to understand how he doesn't see that studying the human brain is an essential aspect of the subject and that it isn't all about 'mind over matter' or such like. He's had bad experiences, not due to mental health issues, but due to physcial problems that were not believed or understood. I do understand that but I feel he has become so fixed in his views that he struggles to see different.

He does respect me and would never tell me not to study or work in this field. My problem is not knowing whether I could be with someone who disregards everything I believe in. Open Eyes, like you say, I'm not sure he is interested in anyone else's views although he has attempted to listen but always reverts to his original viewpoint.

I have a lot to think about. Thanks again everyone.

Narrow minded: always reverts to his original viewpoint.

This is a common trait in many human beings.

Unfortunately many of us have to work around that very fact.

Open Eyes

It does not look to me like the relationship can work well if you have to exclude things that mean a lot to you from it.