[monicamay]

My finance and I both have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We have been together several years and understand each other's problems even though he is quite a bit younger than me. The thing that worries me is his mother. She is actually a bit younger than me and supposedly suffers from schizoaffective disorder. We only have her word for this. No one has ever spoken to any of her doctors. She does seem to have many of the symptoms of this illness however. My finance is almost the only one of her family and friends who still bother with her. She makes up stories (or hallucinates?) and then expects him to fix things. She is bleeding him dry both emotionally and financially. He is unable to have a real life of his own. Because he and I both have OCD, we are not completely equipped to handle all this. Since she is younger than I am, I fear that I will have to live with this craziness for the rest of my life if I marry him. I am watching him trying desperately to "get her on her feet" so that she won't be so intrusive, but I don't ever see that happening. She has made up stories about people attacking her, pulling a knife on her, breaking into her apartment, etc. Police have been called and have found no evidence of any of this, but he still believes her stories. I do have sympathy for her as she is mentally ill, but if our relationship is to survive, we both need to put some distance between ourselves and her. She is constantly "needing" him or calling him with some problem. She also looks upon him more as a partner than a son, and has done and said some very inappropriate things. When he is done talking to her on the phone, he is upset and depressed. Please what is the proper thing for us to do? How do we help her become more independent and get a life for ourselves? Thank you.

[Leed]

Actually, this is more HIS problem than yours. HE has to be willing to make the break and from the sounds of it, I don't think he's ready. As long as he continues to rush to her side whenever she calls or insists that he come, this is going to continue.

He needs to speak to his therapist about this in depth. In order for him to have any kind of life of his own, he's got to either find a way for his mother to be taken care of, or else he's got to make the break. He can't keep this up and expect to lead any kind of "normal" life. This is up to HIM.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs. Lee

[lad007]

He should set some rules and boundaries but that must be hard if he thinks his mother is in danger, even if she is imagining it, it is real to her, and she may have no where else to turn. Try to imagine what it feels like to be so terrified. If it was your mother would you just break ties? Would you be with a partner that would expect you to do so? I'm not criticizing but if she is very ill, she needs her family. Schizoaffective is a terrible thing to try to live with.
She needs to find additional support if she is willing and able, and even if she does plan that, this is part of the package. We often have to make sacrifices in these cases, and if you have a family member with this illness, it will be a part of your life.
Maybe you could work on how to accept the things you can not change? Instead of trying to get them to change.
I'm sorry you are going through stress about this, but look at it from his and his Mom's point of view.

[SSaysRelapse]

This does have to come from him. His action, or lack thereof, should come to his attention when he thinks about your future together. He does need to discuss it with someone, determine his options, and assess his motivation and capability to move forward with his best decision/course of action. I trust that he should already be somewhat aware of your concerns, without you having to tell him about them. But he has to be the one to act, or else a negative outcome may happen if you force his hand in any way.