Broken Hearted

I met this woman June last year. I was not looking for a relationship at the time as I was 6 months clean and sober and also had lost my father, the year before in a climbing accident. so I knew I was in a very vulnerable place.

However she was so amazing and we had a real connection. I had never been courted by a woman like this before. I was living in London at the time and she lived in New York, however she traveled a lot. we met in London and she was there for 4 days and spent every evening together and only kissed on our last evening.

We made plans to see eachother in 2 weeks in Switzerland for a long weekend. In the maen time she called me 3-4 times a day and countless sms messages.

Once we saw eachother again things picked up where they were before. Sharing things about eachother, however there was one thing that stood out. She told me she had always gone for unavailable men, which her therapist had said she did on purpose but she said she did. The rest of the stay was wonderful and we grew closer. She returned to NYC and Went back London.

The calls continued and became even more heavy when she wanted me to call her when I got up in the morning UK time which would be 3am in NYC to hear my voice. We then agreed to meet up in NYC for 5 days and then to go to california for 2 weeks.

I met her in NYC with everything going great and comunication between us seem like it was going well. She wanted me to go with her to her therapist to which I agreed but did not occure before we left for California. We had 5 days in Santa Monica which was fantastic, then we head to a clensing spa in Palm Springs as this is what she wanted to do. I was a little apprehensive as I had never done anything like this before, which meant I relied on her to guide me. I was feeling a little vulnerable but she seemed more than helpful to me. We both ran into people that we knew there. They kept asking about our relationship and how we do it living apart. I felt her get very nervous about these questions and trying to avoid answering them. She then later said that she told them we were room mates. I didn't care if it made her feel more comfortable. We were there for a week and then returned to LA for a few days. I had felt her step back a little but gave her the space I felt she needed. We then both went back to our homes. At the airport she began to cry and as I was boarding first she sent an sms saying I miss you already and you are easy to love.

She went back to NYC for to days before flying to meet friends in Italy. Calls and sms's continued everyday saying how much she missed me and that it was better to be together. This continued for a week, when I got frustrated because she had never told me what her plans were. I finally said I find it hard not to know or make plans of when we will next see eachother. She said she would check her calender and get back to me. We continued our multiple calls a day with no response. So finnaly said a date at the end of August. To this she said I would like to stick to the plans she had made. At this I got irritated and said you never gave me any info of what your plans were. I then went on to say this basic comunication between two people. If you had let me know what your plans were, there would be no problem.

She has a few issues I forgot to mention. She is coming up to 4 years sober, however does not got to meetings, she also has OCD and Panic attacks.

The problems started when I expected some normal basic comunication. We were due to me early September but see canceled feeling pressure. We continue talking about 2 times a day. At this point I suggested that I come to NYC to have a session with her therapist which I could not get.

She then comes to London for work at the end of Sept. We sit down to talk. She said that she felt she had relapsed in the relationship doing what she had always done before. I said can we talk a little more about this so I understand what has happened before. She went into a panic saying that her stomach was twisting and could not say anymore. I then asked wher do we stand. She said lets see how thing develop but in my mind it developed, but also meant that the next stage was to open up to eachother. I reminded her that for thing to develop we need to spend time together and can not take place on th phone.

She left London and the calls continued 3 times a day, conversations were more silly ******** with the occational share that was not directly her. After about 2 weeks I finnaly said Listen we speak more than most couples, you talk about everything but you and I. What is going on. She had another panic complaining about her stomach saying I can't talk about it.

At this point I pulled back not talking or making as many calls from her. I did sent a couple of emails of what I thought, which really boiled down to that she had fear of imtimacy and that I was the first available man she had been with and it scared her.

We kept talking as I was moving to NYC and I felt if could get into a session with her therapist there was a chance and unfortunately I had fallen for her in July when she was someone completely different. I came to NYC for Thanksgiving to meet with people that I need to meet with as I moved here in January. We spent sometime together which was great as long as nothing deep was talked about, however there was no intimacy.

When I returned to London I basically let go of it all, not calling or emailing her. Of course within a week see began calling me regularly asking me to this and that with her when I arrived. Of course the calls picked up again through the Xmas period and New Year.

I arrived in NYC early Jan and she was away until the end of Jan. We were now talking 2 times a day and she tells me she talks with me more than anyone else. we make all kinds of plans to do together when she returns.

When she arrives we spent her second evening together at her apartment. She cooked a simple meal I gave her a Xmas prresant of a pair of diamond earing. Then we what some TV. and I went home. She was in NYC for a week before she had to head out of town for 2 weeks. She told me to give her a call the next day, which I did and left a message.The next day I did not call and neither did she.
In the end I did not hear from her until the day before she was leaving, she said she had not been that great. I told her that I was going to the Rangers Hockey game that night but to call me later which she said she would. Of course I heard nothing and in the 3 period intermission I saw her at the game. My heart dropped. I took her aside and said what is going on why did you not call me to tell me you were going to be there. She gave some ******** that her cell phone battery was dead. After the game I called and it rang.

This was the final straw that broke the camels back as all I ever was to her was loving and caring.

Saddly it let me to a relapse but am now 2 weeks back

so glad to read that you have 2 good weeks behind you!.....considering all that you have gone through for almost the last year......you should be very proud of yourself.......i'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreak but that type of relationship is so difficult to maintain.....by that i mean...long distance and sporadic meetings.....communication by phone and email...etc.....i think you should concentrate on your sobriety right now.....please keep posting with us...we will try to help you all we can.....welcome to the forums.....

power, hello and welcome.

i'm glad you're back two weeks.

it sounds like you've been on one roller coaster ride. i could feel the ups and downs just reading.

i wish you more than well.

kd