[faerie_moon_x]

My husband and I went through a rough patch in the fall of last year. He doesn't seem to realize it because he was having a grand old time with his new online friends whild I was in the depths of hell. Basically, he stopped paying attention to me for about four months and was treating me like his secretary while locking himself away in his office streaming live video games.

A lot of bad things happened during that time that he sees as "no big deal" but they have wounded me deeply. I was also pregnant at that time, and feel I went through my pregnancy completely alone. Even thinking about those days makes me feel panic and distress.

Anyway, things have improved a little in some ways and not others (like he still never comes out of his office and if I want to spend time with him I have to go in there, but can only be in there when he's not busy.) All this pain and hurt lingers. One thing we've discussed from that time was this girl. She is a younger woman than me, and she is very, very pretty. She's also very loud and blunt in personality, and obviously likes attention. At one point he had a "photoshopped" picture of her in her undeware which was supposed to be funny and a joke against her. I never saw the picture but he told me about it. Later there was another issue with her tweeting that she had posted a "nude" of herself (which was also a joke it was actually a cruel joke against another girl's nude photo, and that girl was very over weight.) Anyway, my husband had clicked on it and commented and it made me feel he was after naked pics of this girl... We've discussed that whole thing and none of that was the case... but...

But.... I lived with the anger and hurt at that for so long. I came to see her as the woman he wanted to cheat with (even if he didn't.) They are still friends online. Any time he makes a comment to her or I see they've communicated, I go into fits of rage and panic and jealousy and anger. They even have little inside jokes together, which really hurts me. I don't want to be this way, but I really, really dislike this girl.

It also hurts that several days ago he told me he doesn't want to be with me any more because I wanted to go to the storen for everyone, including his mother. (She lives with us.) He didn't want me to go to the store for her, and wanted her to go with me and take the baby. But she is disabled and has a lot of pain issues, and it didn't make sense when I could just run to the store and back without all the hassle of taking the baby when she could just watch him, (and she was giving me the money for her groceries.) Anyway, it resulted in a huge fight and him saying I chose her (his mom) over him.... But I convincined him not to go but now I have this huge hole inside of me and my heart is broken.

So I guess today I see him talk to that girl with smiley faces that he never uses for me and I feel panic and jealousy. And I don't want to be this way. How can I heal?

[submissivetwin]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

My husband and I went through a rough patch in the fall of last year. He doesn't seem to realize it because he was having a grand old time with his new online friends whild I was in the depths of hell. Basically, he stopped paying attention to me for about four months and was treating me like his secretary while locking himself away in his office streaming live video games.

A lot of bad things happened during that time that he sees as "no big deal" but they have wounded me deeply. I was also pregnant at that time, and feel I went through my pregnancy completely alone. Even thinking about those days makes me feel panic and distress.

Anyway, things have improved a little in some ways and not others (like he still never comes out of his office and if I want to spend time with him I have to go in there, but can only be in there when he's not busy.) All this pain and hurt lingers. One thing we've discussed from that time was this girl. She is a younger woman than me, and she is very, very pretty. She's also very loud and blunt in personality, and obviously likes attention. At one point he had a "photoshopped" picture of her in her undeware which was supposed to be funny and a joke against her. I never saw the picture but he told me about it. Later there was another issue with her tweeting that she had posted a "nude" of herself (which was also a joke it was actually a cruel joke against another girl's nude photo, and that girl was very over weight.) Anyway, my husband had clicked on it and commented and it made me feel he was after naked pics of this girl... We've discussed that whole thing and none of that was the case... but...

But.... I lived with the anger and hurt at that for so long. I came to see her as the woman he wanted to cheat with (even if he didn't.) They are still friends online. Any time he makes a comment to her or I see they've communicated, I go into fits of rage and panic and jealousy and anger. They even have little inside jokes together, which really hurts me. I don't want to be this way, but I really, really dislike this girl.

It also hurts that several days ago he told me he doesn't want to be with me any more because I wanted to go to the storen for everyone, including his mother. (She lives with us.) He didn't want me to go to the store for her, and wanted her to go with me and take the baby. But she is disabled and has a lot of pain issues, and it didn't make sense when I could just run to the store and back without all the hassle of taking the baby when she could just watch him, (and she was giving me the money for her groceries.) Anyway, it resulted in a huge fight and him saying I chose her (his mom) over him.... But I convincined him not to go but now I have this huge hole inside of me and my heart is broken.

So I guess today I see him talk to that girl with smiley faces that he never uses for me and I feel panic and jealousy. And I don't want to be this way. How can I heal?

I hope that you remember that it will get better, and you most certainly deserve to be happier. I'm sorry he's treating you this way. If he's telling you about another woman, I would tend to think he's looking for you to either blow your top or to really tell him you love him more than some fantasy woman online ever could. He sounds very unsure of himself, and he's projecting it onto you. I'm no therapist, but that's my opinion. I do know you deserve to be treated better. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Submissive Twin

[shezbut]

(((dark_heart_x)))

I am so sorry that your hub has been behaving like a jerk to you. I would be very hurt and angry too! I don't think that you are over reacting at all. You are a married couple. You two have a child together. He ought to make himself a larger part of your lives, rather than the other way around. His behavior just sounds cruel to me.

Your emotions are completely valid. I would recommend sitting down with him and having a serious talk about how you're feeling. Don't focus on his relationship with that woman. Instead, focus on how you feel: "I feel like I'm not important to you; I need some positive attention from you, I miss you!; I need your emotional support. I feel like we are growing apart."

Hopefully, this will be the wake-up call that your hub needs to snap him out of this behavior. I think that a counselor would help you work through your emotions and gain strength. Gentle hugs and very best wishes to you ~ I hope that everything works out well for you. You deserve to be treated better than this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((dark_heart_x)))

I am so sorry that your hub has been behaving like a jerk to you. I would be very hurt and angry too! I don't think that you are over reacting at all. You are a married couple. You two have a child together. He ought to make himself a larger part of your lives, rather than the other way around. His behavior just sounds cruel to me.

Your emotions are completely valid. I would recommend sitting down with him and having a serious talk about how you're feeling. Don't focus on his relationship with that woman. Instead, focus on how you feel: "I feel like I'm not important to you; I need some positive attention from you, I miss you!; I need your emotional support. I feel like we are growing apart."

Hopefully, this will be the wake-up call that your hub needs to snap him out of this behavior. I think that a counselor would help you work through your emotions and gain strength. Gentle hugs and very best wishes to you ~ I hope that everything works out well for you. You deserve to be treated better than this.

Yes, thank you. I have been trying to get through to him to explain. He has ADD but I worry he has some other issues now. Like how he won't come out of his room barely at all. I keep trying to think of ways to get him to come out. Once I took all the doors off and that really made him mad. I thought it would help him see... but it didn't.

One big big issue is he hates his mother. I mean, he hates her so bad and I can't explain. He used to be really close to her and I don't know why he hates her so much now. And he lets her know it too. But now she lives with us. Our house is very small and so I am sitting in the den watching t.v. with her. He sits in his office and even if we are all watching the same show he won't come out. I fear something major is happening to him like agoraphobia or even bipolar (I have bipolar and so does his mom.) I've asked him to go to couple's therapy he won't. I've asked him to see a therapist for himself, but he won't. I am scared because of all of it. And then like you said, I miss him so much...

[Leed]

Hi ~ Could it be possible that alot of the reason he's acting this way is because of his feelings for his mother? Is he trying to stay away from her?

Is he an only child? Is there some other place she can go to live? I'd hate to "throw her out" but if she has some other place to go, it would certainly be better for your marriage! Since he dislikes her so much, perhaps he would stop spending so much time in the office! It sounds like he's just trying to avoid her.

I agree that he needs therapy, but if he adamantly refuses, there's nothing much you can do about it. The only alternative is to try to find Mom another place to live and see if THAT helps. If that doesn't work, I wouldn't know what to tell you. But he's sure acting like a big baby right now --- and you're justified in your feelings!

Best of luck & God bless. Please take care. Hugs, Lee

[dailyhealing]

Your situation sounds very difficult, so sorry you are having these struggles. I do think you deserve to be treated better than this! And I agree with the above post that said he is treating you very poorly. I also agree it would be good to have a pretty serious conversation with him where you put your feelings on the table. It is really hard to do I know, but he deserves to know exactly how you feel. You could also tell him what you need (I'm guessing things like honesty, understanding, time, attention....).

Getting past these things is very hard, but progress is possible. I hope you are able to take some action to make things better for you and your family. Keep posting on here, I'd love to hear how things are going!

[lido78]

It does kind of sound as if he's retreated to his room to avoid his mother...and, I think it would be very difficult to work on your couple issues with another adult in the house. But, I do think that it's wonderful that you take care of her and realize that it may not be possible for her to leave and find another place to live.

I'm curious about how he used to be....you say that you miss him...I assume that at some point things between the two of you were different? At what point did it change...can you pinpoint the exact time?

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, his mother is homeless. She is on SSI disability and cannot aford to live on her own. Several years ago her now ex-husband had stopped paying the mortgage on her house and she was foreclosed (he had been illegally refinancing it without her knowing, they lived seperately but still married for about nine years, at one point that house had been paid off.) Anyway, after that she has had unending trouble finding a place to live. She's been evicted from apartments, lived with many family and friends who will no longer take her, and lived with her other son as well. However, her other son is young an lives with room mates and in another state. She moved her from the other state to find a place to live, but she can't afford rent on her own plus medications and food and other bills. She her exhausted all the other people where she could live.

And yes, my husband and I used to be extremely close. We used to watch t.v. together, play games together, go to the zoo in the summer, go to the park and walk the lake, we have gone to events together and we were always cuddling or hodling hands. But like yesterday for example, I got home and he was acting as close to normal as I get (because he's always in that stupid office,) and then I started dinner. Before dinner was done he started streaming with his friend, which means no one can be in there with him. When dinner was done I brought in his food and tried to put it on the desk and he yelled at me that couldn't I see he's in a game? Put it not in the way. So I did. A minute later he came out and I could tell he felt bad he yelled at me, and hugged me and then went back. Then later he came out and hugged me once but went back and was in there until after I went to bed.

I just look at the future and I feel sad because I miss how it used to be.... I do go in and sit with him when I he is in the mood for it....

I know something is wrong because he won't come out of there. I do think it has to do some with his mom (because now he keeps the door closed all the time) but, he wasn't coming out before she came to stay with us. But he would leave the door open.

[Scotty204]

It sounds like he's addicted to online gaming as well. How many hours a day does he play games? He secludes himself in the room which is a bad sign. Him hating his mother may contribute to him "hiding" but the online girl should be a concern as he may actually like her . You need to sit down and get to the bottom of this ASAP

[visalissa]

Im sorry that you have to go throught all this pain. my husband is doing alot of the same problems accept "this girl" lives next to us.. There is nothing anyone can say that can help you heal...all we can do is just be here for you while you vent. I really hope that dident sound rude. but i have realized this the other day and i want to be here for you... i can completly understand your pain 100% and yes you deserve better.. i really hope you get everything you want in life and again im very sorry you have to go through this. and if you want to chat we are all here for you..God bless and have a great day

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Scotty204

It sounds like he's addicted to online gaming as well. How many hours a day does he play games? He secludes himself in the room which is a bad sign. Him hating his mother may contribute to him "hiding" but the online girl should be a concern as he may actually like her . You need to sit down and get to the bottom of this ASAP

I am a gamer too, but I have come to the conclusion he's not just addicted to games but probably the internet. All of his friends are online. His excuse for not having real world friends is we have no money, which I pointed out to him how much we spend just on internet.... But he's almost always on skype talking to his closest friend (who he has never met in person.) That friend also doesn't work and is an alcoholic and anti-female. I don't know how to get him over the addiction... or even show him. It makes me sad because we used to have fun playing together. Now he doesn't play with me only other people.

As for the girl... I know now that he isn't interested in her... even though what I see him to say to her is "flirty" in my opinion. I don't think they talk that much and we had a discussion about the pictures time and again and what happened and how that made me feel. He also gets really jealous of things he doesn't need to be, so I know how it feels to be accused when it isn't true. Like once he accused me of flirting with his friend because of a short jokey conversation about our ages (it didn't even last more than 4 sentances, and I haven't spoken to him since and that was almost six months ago, just so I won't get accused.) So I just want to get over it so that if I see him talking to her I don't have a panic attack.

If they are not good friends and don't speak that much, and it's really bothering you, umm it would bother me to with the photos and stuff. Why doesn't he just let it go? Why continue to be flirty with her and chat with her when he knows how you feel. I don't really get that part. I'm also a little old fashioned tho.

What about the baby? When is he spending time with his child? That's worrying. If it's his mom thats the problem, well it's his mother, he needs to find a solution. Neglecting you and his child is pretty selfish.

I don't know what I would do, if talking didn't work, or get things turned around. I think I'd probably have a final talk, if It didn't change I'd have to decide if I want to continue living that way, or make my own changes, which may not include him. I don't understand why people treat the ones they are supposed to love the most, the worst, or near the bottom.

I'm sorry this is still going on, I remember your previous posts about this. I hope something will change. ((( hugs )))

You have bipolar so you know that having mental issues is not an excuse to treat people badly, repeatedly.

[lido78]

I agree that he may be addicted to the gaming/internet...I don't know that there is anything more with the girl, but she's probably just all wrapped into the fantasy of the game (versus the difficulties of real life)....do any of his old interests still hold any appeal for him? I like the idea of the zoo...people who like animals usually continue to like them...maybe some time out of the house for a day at the zoo? I'm not sure you can talk to him about how you feel while you're in the house...the computer will always be calling out to him...it's kind of like trying to talk to someone with a drinking problem in a bar...or a gambler in a casino...you're just not going to be able to break the spell....if you can get him out of the house to talk, maybe he'll be able to listen better?

[faerie_moon_x]

I wish he wouldn't be her follower on twitter or have her on his skype... but I don't think he will remove her. He acts like I'm just being a crazy jealous wife.

As for the baby he does spend some time with him, and does love him a lot. I think it is the baby that brought him back from the absolute edge although he was kind of coming back on his own in December.

I think actually a lot of it might be an anxiety disorder??? He used to be a BMX racer and do laser quest and lots of friends, now he barely ever wants to leave the house. He only takes our older son to school and picks him up, hates going to family functions, etc. He usually only does holidays and not other family dinners. Also, for example, he wouldn't come outside for the egg hunt on Sunday. He gets irritable and aggrivated if he goes with me to the store. Once after a trick or treat street that was very busy he complained being around so many people make his chest hurt...

But, he used to come out into the house, not it's like he's receeded even farther. When our five year old asked him why he stays in there all the time he said "Because i like it in here."

[shezbut]

Well, dark heart x,

It sounds as though your hub's behavior is mostly okay with you - as long as he lets you participate with him. I think that's where things become a little fuzzy. He doesn't want to play with you, he wants to play alone.

Internet addiction does exist, and it can cause a lot of hurt feelings between the addicted and their family.

Anxiety and/or depression could cause the symptoms that you mentioned. Your hub still needs to agree to some kind of change. See a T, try meds, limit his time alone in that room, play games with you and the kids.....something. It would be wonderful if your hub would agree to see a T, limit his time spent alone in "the room", and play a card or board game daily with you and the kids. To limit time in "the room", both of you should need to participate in order to reach an acceptable compromise.

Best wishes!