[Ziggyst]

I am in a situation where i feel that i still love the person but i do not want to continue the relationship of 4.5 years anymore...

I find myself feeling unhappy and discontented, and when frds are eager to hear about my love story, I feel reluctant to share it... I feel that something is holding me back from loving him fully and accepting him completely. I feel that he is not appreciative and does not put in good amt of effort to maintain our relationship, so i feel that he has been taking me for granted. Throughout the years, after the honeymoon period of perhaps ard 1 year+, he stopped doing and giving simple little things to me, like writing cards/letters, making the effort to plan a simple dinner with small surprises. When I talked to him about it, he said that he's busy with studies and promise to make extra effort. But... words are only words, i don't see significant effort put in by him in making this work. Because of his behaviour, I also stopped doing all these for him.. making it even worse for me because i feel that this r/s is getting very dull and dry. :/

However, despite him not doing these and me feeling unappreciated, he is still my best friend whom i can trust and can share my feelings with. Most of the time, he will listen to my rantings and sharing while i do the same for him too. This is the part which makes me go back to him even after several times of mentioning break up. He has always been the one who pulls me back, but the cycle repeats itself for 5 - 7 times already and it's getting worse.

I just feel very sad, tired and confused as to whether i should really let go of the relationship. I know that he is my best friend thus far, but as a boyfriend, i really don't know... I am 22 and i feel that maybe we met too earlier... perhaps letting go is a good way to experience life at its fullest... and if i were to let go, how should i cope with the sense of loss? If i carry on, this cycle will again tire me out.

I don't know... any advice and comment?

[Leed]

Are you sure you don't have unrealistic expectations? Do you have other complaints besides not getting cards & gifts & dinners?

After we've been with our partner for a significant length of time ( a year or so), those things just don't happen anymore. It's not that we're being taken for granted -- it's just that the relationship is pretty much 'cemented' and perhaps one partner feels that those "extras' aren't really needed anymore. If that's cruel, it's not meant to be. It's just being practical because those things cost alot of money and that money should be used for your basic needs, like rent, lights, heat, etc.

The fact that he listens to your "rantings & ravings" shows that he obviously cares very much for you. And you say that he is your best friend -- so YOU must care for him very much too! In a lasting relationship, you must be FRIENDS first, before you can become lovers.

The honeymoon NEVER lasts forever. You settle into a sort of comfort. Sometimes it DOES become a little 'dull.' But you can perk it up by occasionally going out and doing things -- but you can't do that every night of the week. No one can. You might want to reassess what you want out of a relationship -- and see if you already have it. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Confusedinomicon]

I am the same age and have been in a relationship as long as you. What I found helped was having seperate lives while maintaining a closeness. We do a lot without one another but have established a few hobbies we do together that help us bond. We also make efforts to have date days where we go out to dinner or go shopping for a treat. They a youre small things but I appreciate what he is able to provide. Sometimes there are times where it is rough and I get a little lonely but thats just the nature of a long term relationship. Honestly you just need to weigh out if you really want to stay or go. Your not married to him yet so if you really think it isnt worth it and want to try being single go for it. For me I feel too devoted to my bf and cant see myself without him.

[Trippin2.0]

My married guy friends brought up the topic of cards, texts and gifts once to a friend in a new relationship...
.
They said to him, don't set the bar too high for yourself in the beginning of your relationship. You are creating unrealistic expectations that you will be expected to meet for the rest of your life, and you'll never be able to keep up. Life gets in the way, you get married, have kids, work more, and everything else that goes with it. But 'she' won't see it that way, 'she'll' complain your neglecting her...

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Ziggyst

I am in a situation where i feel that i still love the person but i do not want to continue the relationship of 4.5 years anymore...

I find myself feeling unhappy and discontented, and when frds are eager to hear about my love story, I feel reluctant to share it... I feel that something is holding me back from loving him fully and accepting him completely. I feel that he is not appreciative and does not put in good amt of effort to maintain our relationship, so i feel that he has been taking me for granted. Throughout the years, after the honeymoon period of perhaps ard 1 year+, he stopped doing and giving simple little things to me, like writing cards/letters, making the effort to plan a simple dinner with small surprises. When I talked to him about it, he said that he's busy with studies and promise to make extra effort. But... words are only words, i don't see significant effort put in by him in making this work. Because of his behaviour, I also stopped doing all these for him.. making it even worse for me because i feel that this r/s is getting very dull and dry. :/

However, despite him not doing these and me feeling unappreciated, he is still my best friend whom i can trust and can share my feelings with. Most of the time, he will listen to my rantings and sharing while i do the same for him too. This is the part which makes me go back to him even after several times of mentioning break up. He has always been the one who pulls me back, but the cycle repeats itself for 5 - 7 times already and it's getting worse.

I just feel very sad, tired and confused as to whether i should really let go of the relationship. I know that he is my best friend thus far, but as a boyfriend, i really don't know... I am 22 and i feel that maybe we met too earlier... perhaps letting go is a good way to experience life at its fullest... and if i were to let go, how should i cope with the sense of loss? If i carry on, this cycle will again tire me out.

I don't know... any advice and comment?

You might want to discuss this with your friend; that you would like to remain friends, but that you want both of you to be free to pursue other relationships. That said, though, I am reminded of a current reality show where a woman is being wooed by a man who says all the right things, gives her romantic cards, says the sort of romantic things I have only heard in movies. He comes across as phony as heck. And either she knows it and all of this is being played out for the cameras, or she doesn't know it and is in for a horrible, heart-breaking surprise. She thinks she needs all the trappings of the storybook romance. But people don't really live in story books. And while there are some men who buy roses and write cards and serve breakfast in bed, there are many more decent men who are clueless about what gifts go over well (but she needs a new vacuum!), who think romantic is her going to the ballgame with him, and who love wife because wife loves him just the way he is. If I could tell young women one thing it would be this: Learn to love yourself and to treat yourself where possible to the little things you like, and celebrate your man being a man. You can plan or make the fancy dinner, arrange the flowers you bought in a vase, and buy your beau's favorite coffee, tea or wine. You can tell him "for my birthday I would like flowers, earrings, dinner at "La Place Expensive." I read elsewhere on the forums "love is wanting the best for someone else"--if you feel you need to, free your friend to be someone else's boyfriend.