[MissBelle00]

This is such a hard topic for me.

I've caught my boyfriend watching porn twice this year, the second was very recent - last month.
The first time he did it, he promised me he'd quit cold turkey, and never watch it again.
I wasn't actively seeking to catch him, and I'm sure that if he really wants to hide something, he's good at it.

And now we're at a point where we haven't had any sexual relations for about three months now.

This morning I finally broke down and told him everything I've been feeling and thinking about the subject. I told him how paranoid I've been, I think he's always doing something by himself in the bathroom, or watching porn when I'm gone. I can't sleep at night and I constantly wake up thinking he's touching himself in secret because he'd rather do it alone than do anything with me.

I told him that since he already lied, there's no way for me to know if he'd been watching porn every day, or if it was just those two times I caught him, or anything in between. I don't know. It drives me crazy.

He came out and told me he hasn't been watching any porn. He told me his libido has been extremely low to the point he doesn't even feel like masturbating, ever. He said there's no way he can prove it to me, he realizes my trust is gone in this aspect, etc, but that he hasn't been doing anything in secret.

He also told me he can't really remember if he's done anything unless it's recent.

I also told him I feel undesired, un-sexy, I feel like he doesn't want me anymore and that I can't turn him on.
He also said that's not the case. He says he tries, in other ways, to let me know he's still attracted to me. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He just never feels like doing anything, not even by himself.

So... should I believe him?

[Odee]

I think that you can believe him and it sounds like your boyfriend might be struggling with some serious depression or stress. The times you have caught him watching porn could have been attempts to 'prove' to himself that he could feel aroused.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by Odee

I think that you can believe him and it sounds like your boyfriend might be struggling with some serious depression or stress. The times you have caught him watching porn could have been attempts to 'prove' to himself that he could feel aroused.

Thank you for the reply.

He's in therapy now and he told me his T did a test and told him he's got mild depression - not too severe at all, but it's still there.
We both have been stressed lately because of problems with work and finances, and communication.

I'm not sure about him "trying to prove himself".

I remember him telling me, a long time ago, that when he was with his ex girlfriend, he'd feel the need to watch porn right after having sex with her. Nowadays he says he doesn't remember telling me this at all.

Sometimes I feel really confused, because I don't know what to believe. I don't know if he has a problem or not, if he's addicted or not.

The first time I caught him, it was right after WE had had sex, too.
It hurt so much because it was the same thing he told me he'd do with his ex.

I feel compelled to believe him. I WANT to believe him.

But I'm so scared.

[MissBelle00]

A little bit of backstory;

He seems to always have had some trouble feeling aroused.
When we first started going out, it wasn't a huge problem, I think because it was a new and exciting relationship, and we wanted to be together ALL the time.
He would, though, sometimes still go soft, and he'd tell me it was because he was so nervous.

He also told me he didn't have these problems with his ex. To my knowledge, he didn't go limp with her. But he told me there were several things that were different, example, he didn't live with her. I'm the first woman he's lived with. Etc.

I sometimes wonder if he's got an underlying medical condition that's undiagnosed. Or if it's just mental problems.

I have no way to tell, and this is really breaking our relationship. My sex drive is still high (I'm only 24), and it's killing me to have to live with someone who doesn't ever want to have sex with me.

[Soul Quake]

Why are you punishing him for an act most men indulge in -EVEN- if they have a girlfriend? For the most part, men will still masturbate even if they get sex regularly. Your insecurities are getting the best of you, and in turn is taking a toll on this relationship.

In my opinion, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by Soul Quake

Why are you punishing him for an act most men indulge in -EVEN- if they have a girlfriend? For the most part, men will still masturbate even if they get sex regularly. Your insecurities are getting the best of you, and in turn is taking a toll on this relationship.

In my opinion, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Do NOT come here and tell me I HAVE to accept that all men watch porn.

Do NOT come here and try to make me feel guilty for wanting a partner who does not watch porn.

Do NOT come into my thread and try to victim-blame me.

I find absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating, but porn is UNHEALTHY, especially in a relationship.
Just because SOCIETY wants everyone to believe these unhealthy habits are normal and ok, does NOT mean they are.

You do not UNDERSTAND the amount of rage I feel when someone tries to tell me "porn is normal" and that "all men watch porn".

If you do not have any good advice to give, and if you have these unhealthy and untrue opinions, please don't offer any.

[MissBelle00]

Home | Fight The New Drug

Please also check the sources.

[AspenGirl]

He might have an addiction to porn. This is something his therapist could help him with. I remember hearing a discussion on the radio where the caller complained about similar problems as you are dealing with regarding porn. I remember it being said that if a guy masturbates in a certain way or uses porn a lot to masturbate, that it can be difficult to learn a new way of being sexual with another person. They get used to it and it might just be a matter of getting used to being sexual in different ways without the use of porn. I hope this puts it into a different perspective. I hope you and your boyfriend can resolve this difficulty soon. What a difficult mental place this must be for you.

[DSM-3.1415926]

Originally Posted by MissBelle00

I sometimes wonder if he's got an underlying medical condition that's undiagnosed. Or if it's just mental problems.

How long has it been since his last complete physical? Is he taking any meds (psychiatric or otherwise) that might retard his libido?

Originally Posted by MissBelle00

Do NOT come here and tell me I HAVE to accept that all men watch porn.

Well said! You don't -- because all men don't.

Originally Posted by MissBelle00

I find absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating ...

Suppose you can believe him. In that case, does he respect your masturbation rights? No reason you should suffer a dry spell while he sorts things out. Also: You might ask him how he'd feel if he caught you with a "visual aid." (NOTE: Just ask generically. Don't give examples, as you'd then open yourself for a snub like, "OH, SO I HAVE TO BE BRAD PITT FOR YOU NOW?!!" or some such.)

[Odee]

Originally Posted by MissBelle00

I'm not sure about him "trying to prove himself".

What I said is that he may be "[trying] to prove to himself" that he could feel aroused. I did not mean to to say that he was trying to prove anything to you.

Men are given the (idiotic!!) impression throughout their entire lives that their worth is based on their sexual prowess and virility. They are 'taught' (incorrectly!) that they are 'supposed' to want sex more than women. For a man to loss his libido that can present a personal crisis. It can really hurt a mans self esteem especially when they truly believe that impotence is a flaw. What I was suggesting is that porn could be a desperate attempt to prove to himself that he can still get it up and do what 'men are supposed to do.'

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Soul Quake

Why are you punishing him for an act most men indulge in -EVEN- if they have a girlfriend? For the most part, men will still masturbate even if they get sex regularly. Your insecurities are getting the best of you, and in turn is taking a toll on this relationship.

In my opinion, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I agree.

I have yet to meet a guy who never watches porn. Honestly, you want a guy who doesn't watch porn. This guy watches porn. Why are you trying to change him? They always say that you shouldn't try to change people. He's not what you want, so move on. You knew what you were getting from the beginning, but you didn't like it so you try to change him. Its a losing battle. Go out there and find someone who is what you want.

[DSM-3.1415926]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I agree.

I have yet to meet a guy who never watches porn.

Hi. I am DSM-3.1415926. I gave up Playboy and Penthouse in my early 20's well before my now-30.5 year marriage, and have not returned since. I would not dream of hurting my wife by forcing her to wonder if she "measures up" to an overly-airbrushed image in an artificially staged photo scenario, nor would she do that to me. Besides, I agree fully with John Waters, who hates pornographic movies because they "always look like open-heart surgery."

Any other counterexamples wanna step forward? Please give your reasons for your decision.

[unaluna]

What is there to believe? He has reached his physical peak; he is only going to decline from here on. And he doesnt seem like the type to add to his skillset, if you know what i mean - to try to improve himself. He seems defeated by it and is taking the easy way out. If he meets other life challenges this way, then is this who you want as a lifemate? Hes not much of a go-getter. I would go get me someone else. I can get frustrated on my own.

[healingme4me]

Then it might be a physical problem, then.

Sounds like this could be a lifetime of anguish for you, with him. Three months? ?? That's a very long time to be deprived of intimacy.

Adding: if you switched the gender around here, I'm sure trust would decrease. Then, all the resentment would set in. And lest there was some medical diagnosis to give compassion to, the relationship starts going down a rocky slope...

[michelle666]

Sometimes it can be really hurtful but yes most men do it- it's like having something on a diet that you're not supposed to (you do it once in a while but for a moment it makes you feel good) it will happen and you may just have to come around to it. However- if you don't like it show him you don't (don't just tell him)- Do the same thing to him he does to you- And yes people say it's petty and blah blah blah but at the end of the day it may make him understand where he you are coming from and not do it again. Also to make things a little better between yourselves ask him if he has any fantasies (or ask him when he watches porn what type of porn it is), instead of watching that maybe he can be fulfilled by you and something you have done for him.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by Odee

What I said is that he may be "[trying] to prove to himself" that he could feel aroused. I did not mean to to say that he was trying to prove anything to you.

Men are given the (idiotic!!) impression throughout their entire lives that their worth is based on their sexual prowess and virility. They are 'taught' (incorrectly!) that they are 'supposed' to want sex more than women. For a man to loss his libido that can present a personal crisis. It can really hurt a mans self esteem especially when they truly believe that impotence is a flaw. What I was suggesting is that porn could be a desperate attempt to prove to himself that he can still get it up and do what 'men are supposed to do.'

I get what you mean.
Yeah, I can definitely imagine what it might be like, to feel impotent. He's explained this to me and I try really hard to be compassionate and understanding. I don't ever try to make him feel bad about it.
I say it's ok, you don't have to feel bad, I still enjoy it. We can try again later if you want. I don't ever blame him.

From my part, it's also really hard. I've been feeling really unwanted and unsexy lately. And with him watching porn, I thought to myself, he gets his satisfaction from porn, not from me. I felt so horrible.

I think - he knows I feel this way, so he worries he'll make it worse if he can't stay up, but then he psyches himself out b/c he's worrying too much, which is actually what causes him to go down.

It's a downwards spiral, it is.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I have yet to meet a guy who never watches porn.

I am sorry to hear that.
I have met at least a handful.

It's too bad we as human beings can't exactly choose who we fall in love with.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Honestly, you want a guy who doesn't watch porn. This guy watches porn. Why are you trying to change him? They always say that you shouldn't try to change people. He's not what you want, so move on. You knew what you were getting from the beginning, but you didn't like it so you try to change him. Its a losing battle. Go out there and find someone who is what you want.

I did not know "what I was getting from the beginning".
I did not know he watched porn.

As a matter of fact - before we even started dating, I showed him an argumentative paper I had written for school, about the dangers of pornography. Some five pages long.
He read it and said he loved it - that he could understand everything I said because I was so articulate.
He agreed with my views before we even started dating.

I'm not "trying to change" anybody. This was not the person he was when we first started dating. I think your statements are vague, not well thought out, and quite honestly, upsetting.

Originally Posted by DSM-3.1415926

Hi. I am DSM-3.1415926. I gave up Playboy and Penthouse in my early 20's well before my now-30.5 year marriage, and have not returned since. I would not dream of hurting my wife by forcing her to wonder if she "measures up" to an overly-airbrushed image in an artificially staged photo scenario, nor would she do that to me. Besides, I agree fully with John Waters, who hates pornographic movies because they "always look like open-heart surgery."

Any other counterexamples wanna step forward? Please give your reasons for your decision.

Thank you so much for this.

It's so hard to find this kind of support in our sex-saturated society, and my generation.
It's a poison, that everybody drinks willingly and thinks it's normal.

And if you don't conform, you're the evil one trying to deprive people from their drug.......

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by hankster

What is there to believe? He has reached his physical peak; he is only going to decline from here on. And he doesnt seem like the type to add to his skillset, if you know what i mean - to try to improve himself. He seems defeated by it and is taking the easy way out. If he meets other life challenges this way, then is this who you want as a lifemate? Hes not much of a go-getter. I would go get me someone else. I can get frustrated on my own.

I appreciate your reply.

I really don't think that's my boyfriend, though.
Recently his therapist has diagnosed him with depression. He's been struggling with it for a while.

What he says is that it stems from a lot of the recent hardships we've been through. Us losing our income and struggling financially, our arguments and misunderstandings, our poor communication, and feelings in general. You can't really fully explain what causes depression. I know I've been depressed too.

I don't think he's self defeating and not trying anymore. I'm trying really hard to make this relationship work as well, and he tells me and tries to show me he's doing the same. He said he likes his therapist and he wants to eventually work up to couple's counseling.

As for him "reaching his physical peak" - you might actually be on to something here. I don't expect him to have the same libido as a horny 18 year old (I wouldn't want that anyway, I've dealt with it before and there's nothing that turns me off quicker than a guy who wants to hump me day and night), but I'm not sex-crazed either. I think it's very possible for us to work something out that makes both of us happy.

I'm just hoping that this mental block he has can be worked out.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Then it might be a physical problem, then.

Sounds like this could be a lifetime of anguish for you, with him. Three months? ?? That's a very long time to be deprived of intimacy.

Adding: if you switched the gender around here, I'm sure trust would decrease. Then, all the resentment would set in. And lest there was some medical diagnosis to give compassion to, the relationship starts going down a rocky slope...

Yeah, we've been having a lot of rocky patches recently.

It has actually gotten to the point where I don't feel good having sex either.
He actually tried, recently. He was able to stay up. I was the one who couldn't go on.

It's incredible how much of a downward spiral this problem has become.

We're planning to both get a full medical checkup sometime soon. The problem is that neither one of us has insurance, and we've been in a really bad place financially.
If he has some physical illness that is actually causing these arousal problems, I'd like to find out as soon as possible... but I don't know how soon that might be.

So far, we're trying to make do with the therapy.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by michelle666

Sometimes it can be really hurtful but yes most men do it- it's like having something on a diet that you're not supposed to (you do it once in a while but for a moment it makes you feel good) it will happen and you may just have to come around to it. However- if you don't like it show him you don't (don't just tell him)- Do the same thing to him he does to you- And yes people say it's petty and blah blah blah but at the end of the day it may make him understand where he you are coming from and not do it again. Also to make things a little better between yourselves ask him if he has any fantasies (or ask him when he watches porn what type of porn it is), instead of watching that maybe he can be fulfilled by you and something you have done for him.

We've been down that route before.
The first time I caught him doing it, I did it back to him - I actually went and watched porn. I tried looking for some female-friendly ones, but I still felt kinda disgusting afterwards.
He said it made him sad, but that since he had just done something so bad, he didn't have a right to say anything to me.

But yet, he did it again a couple months down the road.
I don't think it works that way, unfortunately...

As for fantasies, well, I kinda know. He likes butts a lot. And he likes ****. Before the problem got really bad, I started noticing he could really only finish if we were in certain positions that really accentuated my butt. If we tried doing missionary, or even me on top, he would go soft.
I was upset, because I felt we could never do what I liked anymore, but I couldn't really say anything about it either because if it's a reaction from his body that he has no control over, I can't even blame him either.

So unfortunately I also don't think looking for things he likes would solve the problem either. It wouldn't make me happy because I'd be feeling frustrated that I never get to do what I like.

I just don't know.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by MissBelle00

As for fantasies, well, I kinda know. He likes butts a lot. And he likes ****. Before the problem got really bad, I started noticing he could really only finish if we were in certain positions that really accentuated my butt. If we tried doing missionary, or even me on top, he would go soft.
I was upset, because I felt we could never do what I liked anymore, but I couldn't really say anything about it either because if it's a reaction from his body that he has no control over, I can't even blame him either.

So unfortunately I also don't think looking for things he likes would solve the problem either. It wouldn't make me happy because I'd be feeling frustrated that I never get to do what I like.

I just don't know.

To be blunt and brief, it sounds to me like you two are just sexually incompatible. This on top of your other (many) problems with him, I personally would stop beating my head against the wall and end it, so that both of you could go out there and find people you're more compatible with. My two cents.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

To be blunt and brief, it sounds to me like you two are just sexually incompatible. This on top of your other (many) problems with him, I personally would stop beating my head against the wall and end it, so that both of you could go out there and find people you're more compatible with. My two cents.

A lot of people say that.

It's the easiest response and the easiest way out.

It's what lazy people do. Other people have made much worse situations work.

My two cents.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by MissBelle00

A lot of people say that.

It's the easiest response and the easiest way out.

It's what lazy people do. Other people have made much worse situations work.

Sometimes it is easy to leave. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is lazy to leave. Sometimes it is lazy not to leave.

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

Sometimes it is easy to leave. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is lazy to leave. Sometimes it is lazy not to leave.

Thank you for your assumption of what's best for my situation based on reading a couple posts.

[Middlemarcher]

I have read virtually all of your posts, which is why I posted what I did. I never would have made that post if I didn't have all of the other information you have given us.

At any rate, I wish you the best, whatever that ends up being.