[jamminpianogirl]

I've been dating an incredible guy, long distance, for about 9 months. The problem is, he's been completely emotionally unavailable. He was very adamant about keeping his options open, not committing to being my boyfriend, keeping it secret from others because it's "more special that way". I've had to push and pull to get him to commit, and even now he's hardly interested in spending time with me. He's not usually out with other people, he just likes a lot of space and solitude I guess. I've dealt with it as long as I could and now it's really starting to wear on me, it hurts to feel like I'm his last priority and that he's been so stubborn to compromise.

So trying to make it work without getting too hurt over it, I decided to focus on the people who are in my life. I try not to think about him when he's gone, and go out with my friends almost every night. What I've found is that I can be really happy without my boyfriend, and there's another boy I've been hanging out with who I really like. We dated once long ago but we were both young, it was a great relationship but at the time he was a bit too jealous for my taste. It's been so long that we've both changed a lot, and I can't help noticing how much stronger we connect and how much more caring he is than any other guy I've ever dated - especially my current man.

It's seems as if I've tried so hard to give my boyfriend space that I've wound up falling for someone else. I know my boyfriend loves me sincerely, but he just doesn't know how to express it. I've been honest with him about how much it's hurt me and now that he knows I'm probably going to leave if it doesn't change, he says he'll try to be more available for me. But having stepped back from the relationship, I've become more aware of its flaws and have started to have more doubts. I was drawn to him because of our similarities, and our sense of understanding is comforting, but now I wonder if we're too similar, if we'll never help each other to grow. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I just feel emotionally shut down to him, even though I thought there could be some potential for something long term if he would only open up. The connection I feel with my ex makes me doubt that, because we have an instantaneous chemistry that I've never found with my current boyfriend. It's not that I think my ex is right for me either, I have no idea. It just makes me aware of how I could feel if someone wasn't afraid to care for me. Of course every relationship has flaws. Maybe I'm being too picky.

What should I do?

[faerie_moon_x]

Personally, I find that people do not change in the way you want them or when you want them to. Maybe someday he'll be better able to open up to you. Someday. That could several months from now or it could ten or more years from now. The truth is, if you need someone to be doing something different for you to connect with them, you're with the wrong person.

People can only be themselves. Just in this one post several red flags jumped up at me. Wanting to keep the relationship a secret, adamant about keeping options open, going out with other people a lot, the physical distance, feeling like the last priority... heck that's just the first paragraph!

My advice is to tell him it isn't working out and move on. Relationships are hard enough without wishing someone would behave differently right from the start.

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Pianogirl,

I was in a long distance relationship with my fiance as well, so I definitely understand how hard they can be. The thing to keep in mind with long distance relationships is that trust and communication are key. Without those, an LDR can be extremely difficult and painful.

Personally, I agree with dark heart. It might be time to take some time for yourself. I think taking the time to focus on the people who are actually present in your life was a wonderful idea, but at this point I think you should take it one step further. Maybe just be single for awhile. Have fun, continue to do things you enjoy. Keep making friends. Who knows who you could meet! There's no need to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, nor is there any reason for you to rush into another right way.

What is your gut telling you?