[phoenblue]

I need some insight. I’m going to keep the information to this question pretty general out of respect for the people involved. At my work I have several “bosses.” One of those bosses is a man who is old enough to be my father. I am young, but in a few years I’ll be entering my thirties. So, although I’m new to the job I’m in, I have some life experience. I am not a child… However, I happen to look younger than I am, and it makes a lot of people want to “take care” or me or “look out” for me. It’s nice, but it can be a bit off-putting at times.

At the beginning of my job this male boss, whenever I had a conversation with him, brought up his daughters, who are in their 20s. He spoke to me fondly and gave me advice, comparing me to his daughters. I assumed he viewed me in a fatherly sort of way, which was nice. I’ve always admired men in leadership roles who use their power in a way that benefits and puts others first (rather than selfishly). My boss seemed to possess this quality, so I looked up to him for that. He was also a down to earth kind of guy.

As time passed, I noticed he carried around a lot of the responsibility in the workplace. The other bosses didn’t do half as much as he did. That’s why, I thought, I was seeing him more and more often. He was constantly popping into where I was working to do an evaluation, ask a question, or to recommend something. He normally wears a sort of distant, professional expression on his face when he walks around at work, but when he came up to me, he always gave me with bright smile, and a sort of had skip in his step. Again, I guessed it was because I reminded him of his daughters. When he was pointing something out to me, he’d stand close and laugh at the things I’d say.

I’m embarrassed to admit I sort of formed a schoolgirl crush over him. I think it started because I admired him so much and because he seemed to be paying special attention to me… but of course I saw it as just that. A silly crush that I kept to myself.

There was a younger guy at work that I befriended. I got the feeling at the beginning that he was attracted to me but I ignored that behavior, and he treated me more like a friend after that (I wasn’t looking for anything more than friendship). As time passed I wanted to start up this after-work sort of volunteer committee that helped out people who needed it in different ways (we work in a very stressful environment). My guy friend was all for it and said he was join. I immediately thought of bringing up the idea to my boss, since I felt he knew me pretty well, and would help with giving me the go-ahead to start it. When I came into his office, he was happy to see me, but when I mentioned my idea he said to me, “Could I ask, who would be involved in this group?” I mentioned a few names including my guy friend’s. He gave me this strange look said, “I don’t mean to embarrass you, but as a father myself, I feel like I should ask: Could the reason (my friend’s name) wants to join your committee because he wants something more?” I blushed from head to foot. I never thought my boss would ask me something so personal. Besides, why did it matter to him if my friend did have a crush on me? My friend never did anything creepy and had always acted like a gentlemen toward everyone he worked with. “Well, I don’t know about that,” I stammered, “but I don’t think that’s the reason he wanted to help out. I think he’s genuinely interested what we’re doing.” My boss looked uncomfortable. He mumbled something about my friend not being held in high regard by the other bosses in my work because of a not so great evaluation, and his concern with how it might look if I was hanging around with him. I knew my friend wasn’t on the best of terms with them at the moment, but I also knew my bosses had their favorites, and sometimes their judgments were a little harsh. Everyone else at worked liked my friend, and thought he was just having a bit of a tough time in life currently. I was confused why he was bringing this up at all. It shouldn’t matter—What I wanted to do wasn’t going to affect the other things we were doing at work. However, my boss agreed to support my idea, and we ended on a light note.

After that meeting, however, my boss didn’t pop in to see me as much. He seemed to ignore me when we passed each other. I sensed this cold vibe coming from him. However, it was ironic because I’d constantly see him someplace near me, but talking to someone else or busy doing something. Sometimes I even had the feeling he was looking at me when I wasn’t looking. I’m terrible at reading people. Like I said, I really don’t pick up on social cues, so I was pretty confused at his behavior.

It was getting uncomfortable, so to sort of make peace with my boss (I wasn’t sure what for… was it the thing with my friend?), I came into his office and gave my boss a copy of some of my artwork that I do at home in my free time… A bit of a back story on that: In my spare time, I’m an artist, and my boss was constantly bringing up that one of his daughters was an artist too. He even “annoyed” my other bosses enough to ask me at one of my evaluations with them what I thought about moving in with his daughter since we were alike. I don’t know why he just didn’t ask me himself. However as much as that would have helped me financially, I couldn’t for do that various reasons. Anyway, I thought since he was always mentioning his daughter, I’d share some of my artwork with her. I guessed that would make him happy. When I walked into his office, he gave me that distant professional look. I began by telling him how my committee was going, and he seemed mildly interested. Then I gave him my artwork. He completely lit up. He talked about that for a while and didn’t seem in the least bit interested in talking about my committee. I left shrugging my shoulders. I couldn’t figure him out.

Anyway, now he isn’t as cold with me when we pass each other by. He even does little favors for me when I’m in need of help. But sometimes he still acts strange around me. If I’m in a room, sometimes he completely ignores me. When I come into work in the morning, I say hi to everyone. One time, when I came in, I happened to spot him and was about to say good morning, but he abruptly turned and went the other way. I don’t get it. What am I missing? Is he still angry with me? Is he worried about me being too naïve? I want to know what all this could possibly mean.

[Koko2]

Maybe he's jealous of this younger coworker, and he wanted to shag you, but now that he no longer has hopes for doing so, he's giving you the cold shoulder as sour grapes. But that's just conjecture based on what I read in your post and he possibly no longer views you as a surrogate daughter because you're more mature than you first appeared to him.

[Leed]

I think he's upset because he thinks you and the 'other guy' may have a "thing" going. He must know that this other guy has a crush on you, and now he figures you feel the same way since he's on that "committee" with you.

I'm not so sure he looked at you as a "daughter." Sometimes these older men get to thinking they'd better have one "last fling" before they get TOO old. LOL He undoubtedly knew how old you were -- I'm sure he found out your "vital statistics" and figured you were in an appropriate age group for him to hit on. lol Now he might feel embarassed or hurt since you went for a younger guy. Who knows???

At least you haven't lost your job! LOL I wouldn't worry too much about it. He'll get over it, and will probably move on to someone else in awhile. He sounds like quite a stinker! LOL God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[elliemay]

I think the relationship you have with your boss seems pretty avuncular. He might be a little too familiar with you but a lot of managers have different management styles. It's important to realize though, that both you and he are there to work.

Regarding your involvement with this other guy. One of the things that I have noticed is that rats flee a sinking ship. When someone is sinking at work, co-workers, bosses etc... will either consciously, or unconsciously begin to separate themselves from that person. No one wants to go down with the ship so to speak.

It sucks, but it's just office politics. My advice? Listen to your boss about this guy. If he's in trouble and your associated with him, then his trouble could very easily become yours too. I would back slowly away.

Work is work.

[IceCreamKid]

I think you're old enough now to stop playing the blushing school-girl with older men, especially those in positions of authority above you. If you want to make friends with the co-worker who is close to your age, and not in a position of authority over you, I see nothing wrong with that, although if your friendship ends you'll still be working at the same place. But allowing the older men to form unhealthy attachments to you in the workplace is just not cool and it isn't good for you professionally or personally. Sounds to me like your boss has been test-driving a sexual affair with you in his mind. Unless your artwork is related to your job, keep it at home.

[phoenblue]

Wow. Woah. Thanks for all the feedback. It wasn't what I was expecting. I get the whole idea of separating myself a little more with a wall of professionalism between myself and those at work. I've always been a little too open, and it has gotten me hurt in the past. I tend to take things exactly as they are, and don't expect there to be any hidden messages behind what people say to me or do. I'm a little bit taken aback by the comment that I'm playing a "school-girl" routine. I'm not playing at anything. What I meant in my post above is I recognized my admiration of my boss to be just that... foolish, and in no way, shape, or form acted on my feelings, which just sort of came up on their own. That would have been deeply unprofessional, and even I know that! We can't control the things that pop up in our minds. We can control what we do about them... The only thing I've ever been to anyone in my work is kind and professional, as far as I know. I don't pry into anyone's personal lives unless they share something with me. Perhaps I have been far too open to things myself. I had no idea my boss could be thinking the way several of you are suggesting. That is really really disturbing. But please don't jump to conclusions about me. I would NEVER flirt with anyone at work. That is crossing the line, obviously. ~shutter~