One of my daughters had a manic breakdown recently, and as a part of it, she traveled almost 3,000 miles to our old home state, with no money to get back. Unfortunately, she became ill physically with cluster migraines, and had to have ER treatment. That hospital back home did a lumbar puncture on her to rule out meningitis, and botched it. Now she has a herniated disc and is in extreme pain, but can't get follow up care where she is. She has Medicaid, which is a US program of health care, but it only applies to the state you are a resident in. Therefore, she has no choice but to try and come back to the state we now live in, however she can. Traveler's Aid has provided her with a bus ticket, but the trip is three days long and she is already very uncomfortable.

In the meantime, I had told my other daughter I would try to put out feelers at our church to see if anyone can help her out. We cannot help her ourselves. We just don't have the finances.

This morning, the phone call went like this.

"Elizabeth told me to call you. She said you have a plane ticket for me?"
---"No, I didn't say that. I said I would ask people at my church if they could come up with anything."
"Oh." (Obviously angry but artificially cheerful) "Well, I didn't expect anybody to actually provide anything for me. Nina (her grandmother) has her house and car that she's paying for, and you have medical bills that you're paying for. But I have that bus ticket from Traveler's Aid, so that's my three days on a bus with a herniated disc. I hope YOU feel better soon. You don't sound real good either."
---"No, I'm just sleepy." (The call had awakened me.)
"Oh, that's good." (Still being artificially cheerful, her voice is forced, sounds as if she's talking through a smile and clenched teeth.) "I have pinched nerves all over my spine. I love you. See you when I get back." (Hangs up.)

I know she's in terrible pain. I know what a migraine feels like, and I've had a lumbar puncture. You're not real comfortable for several days afterward, even when they do it right. To have them screw it up, I imagine must be agonizing. Still, it's obvious to me that she wants my husband and me to feel guilty for not finding a way to pay for her trip home so she doesn't have to ride for three days on a bus. I relate to that behavior too. I've been stranded and ill, and if I have trouble finding help, I will say out loud things such as, "Well, I guess nobody cares if I live or die." I'm not saying it's right of me, I'm just saying I do that. So I understand her behavior. But how do I fend off the poison arrows, even if I do know why she's throwing them?

[Leed]

All you can do is tell her you're TRYING to find the money, but so far you haven't been able to -- and that she'll have to ride the bus!! It's NOT your fault that she went 3,000 miles away!!! Even tho she was "manic" she wasn't INSANE. She knew that was a long way away from home so she needs to take SOME responsibility.

Dont let her throw the guilt trip on you. You just plain DON'T have the money -- simple as that. I'm sorry she's in pain, but there are people who are in pain 24/7 for many YEARS -- so she'll just have to bear it. At least she has a WAY home.

Drop those rocks off your shoulders and just tell her to get home where she can get treatment, and leave it at that. And in the future, don't fall for her guilt trips. It kinda sounds like she pulls this stuff on you alot -- right???

I wish you the very best. Take care of YOU -- it sounds like you've been thru the mill. YOU need some taking care of too. Hugs, Lee