[mike242]

Me.... Shy lonely guy to be honest sadly, have had depression before, so shy its almost a disease, hence nearly 40 and never had serious relationship frankly. And now my little niece is bringing me back to depression it seems..

Backstory.... I have been working across the globe for past ten years and thus haven't really seen much of family. But life has changed and i am back home in UK for good, i am temporarily staying with family in the guest suite until i get my own place sorted. I have a little 10yo niece who lives in same house, love her to bits and whilst i was overseas she used to send cards and call me and i always got "love you lots Uncle Mike, please come home, miss you so much" etc etc, so even though i sadly never saw her, there was some bond there.

Anyway, i been home and living with them now for 4 weeks and i am just so confused with both my niece and my own emotions right now to be honest. Past ten days or so she has just been ignoring me totally, wont talk to me, even answer when i say "morning sweetheart", in fact she deliberately looks away or at the floor. Spoke to my sister (her mother) and all i got was "yea she does that, its fine". Kids are fickle i know, but 10 days? I am a sensitive soul and its really upsetting me to be honest . I dont have kids of my own, and i have no other nephews or nieces so shes very special to me and id jump under a bus for her like any uncle ia m sure.

When i first got back home 4 weeks ago i did get a hug and kiss and first few days she sat and talked and played games etc, but since then i rarely even get a look in, what happened to my little niece that was so cute and loved me on the phone etc, we seemed to have a better bond when we was miles apart. I was so looking forward to getting home and seeing her, and now being able to watch her grow up somewhat regretting missing most of her 10 years. Is it too late, sure a girl forms her strongest bonds in the early years and now shes already 10yo i really worry its too late, she will never have that 'uncle / niece' bond with me, i never get hugs etc.

To add to my hurt, i have to admit i am a jealous guy a little. And she has a couple of 'false uncles', you know the close family friend that is called 'uncle' out of respect, and just earlier today Uncle John came over and she went mental "my uncle... unc, unc, uncle john.. yaaaa" and went running out to his car to wrap her arms around him and give him several kisses, i had to excuse myself to my room as frankly i felt part anger and part almost tearful. She hadn't spoke to me in days, even looked at me, yet here she was going crazy for a family friend, she has never had that reaction with me even at the airport.. It hurts so much, i am her only true uncle, part of me wants to shout "i am your uncle! your ONLY uncle" but i know that wouldn't be a good move, and i have no problem that shes close to him at all, i just wish she was as close and kind to me is all.

Problem is, i was never here, i was working overseas. 'Uncle John' has been there since birth, babysitted her, bathed her, took her out, been on holidays with her etc, all things an Uncle should do and i regret missing it all, just worried like i say is it too late for me? I can never rebuild those lost years or bond.

My sister and her partner seem to think its all fine, don't seem to even say anything when she blatantly ignores me, they just insist that's how she is, and they say one night she will just randomly come home from school and come straight back to me to play etc. Which sounds lovely sure, but i cant handle the emotions, i cant be an uncle that is switched off and on when she feels the need, i love her to bits and want to be her uncle 24/7, a close important person in her life.

Is it because i am living with them at the moment? I mean uncles don't usually share the same house and i wonder if me being there breakfast,dinner and tea is just too much, shes bored of me? I hope to get my own place sorted soon and hope only seeing her once a week etc may make her appreciate me more, or i am hoping too much? I wish i could take out for a day out or a movie etc, to spend some time with her, but finances wont allow right now, and i cant ever seem to get her alone for a chat etc, its such a busy house and always someone about her.

And what to do? When she does sit and come back to me (i hope!) do i just act like nothing is up and have fun together even though shes ignored me for over a week? Or do i start by confronting her about why shes been so hurtful to me, although i pretty certain that will get her throwing a moody and make matters even worse.

And shes 10yo now, i guess there's about a year or so before she bits puberty and big-school. And then i am sure 'uncles aren't cool' will become the issue, hence i really want to spend some quality time and hugs with her before she stops being a 'kid' and grows up so fast as they do these days, i missed her first ten years to my regret now, i just want to enjoy my little niece as a child before its too late..

Sorry its so long, hope someone can cheer me up, do all uncles feel jealous like i do...? Shes hurting me lots, but how can you tell a 10yo? I havent been depressed in 2-3years but shes doing me in right now...

Mike

[KathyM]

Hi Mike

If you love your niece, you can show her by giving her some space. She's your niece, not your "playmate" or "girlfriend," so there is no need to feel jealous of the other people and "uncles" in her life.

If her attitude towards you bothers you, I don't see the harm in asking her why she appears to be avoiding you. Given her age, I wouldn't expect much of an answer though - being a kid can be really hard. In order for her to grow up and stand on her own two feet, she needs to stay focused on moving forward with her own life. She can't afford to rekindle what you once had and/or "go back in time" in order to satisfy your need for the time you've lost with her.

You already have a connection, and you will always be her uncle. Be good to her, care about her, and show her you care...but don't smother her.

That would be my advice, if you're looking for advice.

[Helloanxiety]

I'm afraid I can't advise on the uncle/neice relationship side as i've not seen my uncle for 12 years, being 17 though I can probably identify with her attitude. Children are growing up a lot quicker now-a-days, and this could be a reason for her attitude towards you. I would say you have done absoltely nothing wrong and this is something within her that is going on. I'm sorry that it's causing you to feel depressed again but maybe distancing yourself from her for a couple of weeks and focus on yourself will help that. I would say at the age of 10 children are perfectly capable of sitting and listening to adults, so if you ever do get chance to talk to her alone ask her if she knows about depression and if not you can explain that it's something you're going through. Perhaps the shock might buck her up a bit to respect you more. It does sound very unfair on you and the fault lies with her i'm afraid. You will be her uncle forever and will be in her life for many years yet to come, so don't fret about missing the first 10. Hope it all works out [=

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I am not an uncle but I have a 9 year old boy, who will be 10 this summer. This is what I can tell you. At 9, he's not as snuggly as he used to be. I catch him rolling his eyes when I'm telling him things I find interesting. He wants to sit an play his DS or Minecraft rather than have mommy read story books. He announced his crush on a girl in his class this weekend.

His tastes are changing. He still likes Spongebob but he also likes older kids shows like Invader Zim. He's on the edge, one minute a little boy and the next a pre-teen, switching back and forth. Even when I take pictures of him he often has the look of a teen instead of a little boy.

I'm guessing that something similar is happening to your niece. I remember at that age I was starting to become more aware that I was not such a little girl. I wanted my own space and started valuing things like "my room" and "my privacy."

I wouldn't take it personally.

Plus, you live there, so she sees you every day vs. other "uncles" who only come to visit. So she's not going to be excited to see you every time she enters the room.

Another thing. Kids are really good at picking up on emotions more than you realize. If you're depressed she's going to pick up on that. If her parents do not also have depression, then she has no idea what is wrong with you but sees something is wrong. So she might shy back a bit from that. Plus at ten years old kids are not equiped to emotionally handle adult issues. So, thinking "I just can't switch it on and off being an uncle" is way more than she can handle. With kids, you have to be able to switch on and off. You have to say "right now I'm a nurse, now I'm a cook, now I'm the annoying person putting them in time out."

My advice is just to be happy when she's wanting to play, and don't take it personally if she ignores you. Always say good morning, or at dinner ask about her day. Even if she gives you "I don't know," that stuff rubs off on them and she will remember you as someone who cared.

[Koko2]

You can't expect as much of a bond from a niece as you would have with your own child. My nephews and nieces think of me as just some loser they see a couple times a year, and I don't expect anything from them emotionally just because we're related. I just send the miserable little cretins really cheap gifts as my revenge.

It sounds like she's entering that teen age where relatives bore her to death. Maybe you could find a common interest to spend time with her though.