[Koos48]

I have a very dear friend, whom I unequivocally love in a very platonic way. Meeting in the very last months of high school through mutual friends, a woman and I have developed an extremely close friendship over the past few years. The type of friendship that would cause mutual friends to openly admit we should have always been more than friends and to start an intimate relationship.
The problem was I was a closeted homosexual when we first met. However, I was never untrue about my feelings for her and when that suggestion would come up, I would tell them no, I just don't have those feelings for her and would actively encourage her to pursue a relationship with other men. However, she never did and claimed she couldn't find a man that suited her. She would even deny requests from interested suitors. Partly because I believe her to have a low self-esteem, anxiety difficulties and because of the time we spent together, the attention I gave her and our extreme comfortability with each other. Well, about two-three years into our friendship we sat down and she expressed her burgeoning intimate feelings for me. It devastated me to do so, but I told her I did not share the same feelings. I could not bring myself to tell her I was gay so instead I suggested we spent some time apart as she was obviously unhappy with my rejection. We did not speak for many weeks, if not months, and I lost a large majority of our mutual friends who sympathized with her feelings and demonized, for lack of a better term, mine.
When she contacted me to begin spending time together I jumped at the opportunity to have her back in my life. She had worked through her feelings and wanted to be friends again or so I was told. For my part, I tried to consciously not send any signals which could be misinterpreted as feelings of intimacy. Again, over the years we grew very close, closer and more open with each other. I was never one to bring up any heterosexual attractions, especially with or around her, and did not engage in any heterosexual relationships. I would however deny I was gay if asked by her or other friends who questioned my unusual behavior as a supposed heterosexual male. Well low and behold, another three years later our friendship took a turn and we began to grow distant. I assumed what was happening again and my feelings were confirmed through a mutual friend. Since I had hurt her in the past, I decided I must tell her I was gay, regardless of the fears I had about being openly gay with friends and family. Upon telling her, she disclosed her true feelings which were significantly more intense than I imagined as she professed her love for me. I tried to comprehend this emotion as we never held hands, kissed or really engaged in any intimate signs of affection aside from the immense amount of time we did spend together at home, the bars, concerts and movies etc. The time alone together is what she said was most mixed signal I would send her and from her perspective I could see how that was possible even though she was the one who would initiate about 90% of our time spent together. Then again, I also never refused when asked to spend time with her.
With my revelation, we grew even closer as I answered all her questions about my relationships and sex life. Initially I thought answering any questions, and there were many, so many questions, she had would help her overcome her feelings. At first, things were better than ever and our friendship blossomed again, we even engaged in the stereotypical "fag/hag" relationship. As we had many mutual gay friends, she was very excited to begin this relationship with me and said I was “her fag.” Overtime she began to get almost possessive of me. Then, we began to have little disagreements more and more. About six months after coming out to her, I screwed up big time. At a party she hosted this past new year’s, one I actually felt like I didn't want to attend do to another little disagreement, but went anyway as I didn't want to ruin her night, I became very intoxicated to the point of blacking out. During this time however, I said incredibly hurtful things about her which resulted in an enormous fight as I was told. I take full responsibility of course, but I didn't even find out how bad I acted until seeing a mutual friend two weeks later, during which time me and her did not speak at all. Well, immediately I was extremely distressed and shocked that for the first time in my life I had hurt someone's feelings so deeply while intoxicated. On top of that, my father was an abusive alcoholic during my childhood and the fact that I could even lose that much control and become the "angry drunk" I’ve always hated, extremely disturbed me.
I apologized the next day, via text. I just couldn't face her, feeling so ashamed and guilty of my actions. She responded, also via text, rightfully angry and demanded an excuse for my actions but I could not give her one. Apparently in my rambling, and among other things, I said something along the lines that it was her fault she fell in love with me again after I had told her years ago I had no feelings for her and she wasted a part of her life. Horrible, I know and I do feel guilty from hiding the truth from her for all these years about my sexual orientation, but never have I blamed her when thinking about the subject. I hid that from her and as a result I felt that I had ruined a significant part of her young life that could have been spent with someone who would love her the way she loved me.
A few weeks after the text, I wrote her a letter, feeling I owed her some explanation even though I could not recall the entire night during which we fought. I just wanted her to get some closure. With letter in hand, I waited for her outside her home one night after she got off work. Again I apologized, asked if she had questions or statements to get off her chest and informed her this letter was not excuse for my actions, but a goodbye letter. In it, I acknowledged all her amazing traits as a friend, encouraged her to keep an open heart, acknowledged that I felt I was a bad influence in her life which needed to be removed and a wished her good luck. I asked her not to read it in front of me. She asked if I wanted a response to which I responded only if she wanted to. We hugged and I left. She responded via email, acknowledged the anger she first felt, but assured me she didn't let it “rain on her parade.” I was happy for her and that was really the end of our communication. It's been six months, aside from that one night outside her house, that we haven't seen each other.
I made a commitment to myself to stay out of her life so she could heal, but that would mean me giving up our very close group of mutual friends. And I did just that for the most part. I still think of her, not as much over the months, but our bond was extremely close and her wellbeing occupies my mind more than I care to admit. Though as I now feel circumstances are drawing us together again, I need advice on how to proceed. Am I doing the right thing for her by staying away? I feel as if we reconnect her feelings could resurface and with me around she will be so comfortable she won’t want to search for a partner. This woman, now 25 has never been in a serious relationship and as of six months ago was, and still is to the best of my knowledge a virgin. I understand there may be more anxieties and fears on her part which account for her not engaging in a romantic relationship, but I feel as if my presence in her life again would further deteriorate any chance of her finding a good heterosexual, romantic relationship which is something has expressed a longing for, but is extremely "picky" about. Now, I feel as if I must cut off all communication with our mutual friends or risk the inevitable meeting. And no, I do not believe her to be a lesbian, in any sense of the term, who is in the closet. She is 100% heterosexual.

Any advice, insight or new perspectives are greatly appreciated!

[Leed]

First of all, I HOPE you've forgiven yourself for that awful night. Sure, you got drunk which is pretty bad -- and I'm not excusing it because I'm a recovering alcoholic and we DO have to take responsibility for our actions -- but you apologized and made amends - so it's over with. If she accepts your apology, great! If she doesn't there's nothing you can do about it, and you have to move on. Nothing more you can do about it.

But I don't think you're giving her enough credit. From the sounds of things, I think she HAS probably forgiven you, and I think she understands about your sexual orientation. At age 25, I doubt she's so naive to think that you and she could POSSIBLY have a relationship! I certainly would HOPE she's not holding out hoping that you will "change." But I highly doubt it.

I don't see why you'd have to avoid your mutual friends for heavens sakes! That's not fair to anyone. Go about your normal life, and see who you want to! If you run into her, so be it. It doesn't mean you have to pick up where to left off -- perhaps you can resume your friendship, but I don't think I would hang out with her as OFTEN as you used to. Let her pursue other interests/people too -- don't be her only contact. She needs to branch out more -- maybe she has.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Dragonfly33]

I agree with Leed - I would not be avoiding your mutual friends. Go! Have fun! If you run into her extend, the olive branch but I don't see the relationship returning to the closeness you once had. Exes are exes for a reason, that includes friendships.

I believe that people come into our lives for different reasons, whether they stay or not. It seems that you were her crutch for a period of time and maybe she was yours. She's got low self esteem, anxiety, etc. It also sounds like she became angry after you told her the truth... Being possesive and derogatory are not traits of a supporting friend... Although your behavior was not excusable, I can see why you reacted the way you did. Props to you for accepting responsibility for your behavior and apologizing. Not many would do that today.

[Koos48]

Thank you both for your advice and knowledge, new perspectives have always helped reexamine tough situations. She has forgiven me and is a very strong person. I am just having a hard time forgiving myself, but that is something I'll have to continue working on. Maybe I won’t avoid our mutual friends, it will be awkward at first but I’m sure we can both act maturely and you’re right, it will never be the same again which is something I actually think I’m a little thankful for truth be told. No need to travel down the same paths.