[CherryEcho]

Hey everyone, right now I am in major anxiety mode. Last night was kind of frustrating of me. Let me bring you guys up to speed on me and this guy’s relationship (or lack thereof). This is very long, i hope you guys dont mind. Me and this guy met each other when I was in the 9th grade and he was in the 10th grade. We started talking like friends and then he started asking me for romantic related things (kisses and all that good stuff) me at the time I was like 14 I thought “oh I want to but….” And he at the time was 16 so he always questioned my “oh I want to but….” But I let him kind of do what he wanted with me because I didn’t really know how a friend/ friends with benefits thing was supposed to work. Things happened (I don’t want to go into details because I don’t want to offend anybody or violate the forum rules) and my family found out. They wanted to take him to the police because they thought he was molesting me when in reality I was letting it happen because it was me experimenting with myself and with him. I begged them not to take him to the police and I tried explaining to them that I was letting hit happen but they didn’t want to hear it because they still saw me as this little kid that didn’t know right from wrong. After me begging them not to take him to the police and me crying for him for a few hours they gave me an ultimatum. Take him to the police or I take him to the school. I was devastated they gave me a period of 3 days I believe before they would take matters into their own hands and take him to the police.
I went to the school the next day and first period I went to the nurse. I begged for her to let one of my friends that knew be in there but she refused because she thought it was something medical that was wrong with me. I literally looked like I was just punched in the face because I had been crying for so long and from lack of sleep from said crying. I explained to her what was happening but I didn’t say a name. They interrogated me for about an hour before I said his name. I was in love with this boy but I had to turn my back on him to please my family. I remember that day, it was raining and my mom and older brother came to pick me up from school and they told me to stay in the car while they went inside to talk to the nurse and the principal. They had set up a meeting for the following week. His mom and him and my mom, my brother, and me where going to be in that meeting, talking about what happened those many times that me and him hung out together.
Needless to say my anxiety was over the top until the meeting, when I walked into that nurse’s office for the meeting, my anxiety became even higher and when I glanced at him my eyes went directly to the floor. I felt like he was controlling me, I sat down next to my mom and brother in a seat and he sat down with his mom in a seat. (oh did I mention that his mother would be my teacher the following year?) I was basically terrified. I was hysterical, I was crying, hyperventilating and about to the point of passing out. For the main part my mother was talking and my brother was translating to the principal and nurse (his mom didn’t need translation because she understands and speaks Spanish) they all talked except me and him. We were silent he didn’t want to say anything, he seemed so angry with me….who am I kidding, if I was him I would be angry with me too. He gave a small apology to me and my family and then he left with his mom. Me, my mom, and brother stayed a little bit and talked to the nurse and principal. I really don’t remember what it was because all I was thinking about was how I hurt him and how I was wrong for turning him. I felt so much love for him and now he feels so much hate for me. I stayed away from him for the remainder of my 9th grade year.
During the summer before my 10th grade year I came to terms with him hating me and how I really didn’t care anymore. But that changed when I came back my 10th grade year. I felt the anxiety again and I felt the fear once again as well. It was at that moment I realized that I really did have true genuine feelings for him. So I thought of a way to get close to him once again and so I became friends with his girlfriend. I know this is really sneaky behavior on my part but I wanted to be in his life once again. So I became friends with her but soon me and her had become best friends and he hated it, he hated every moment I spent with her. But he never outwardly showed it to me. He even accepted a 4 page apology letter from me that he had kept for a little over 6 months before throwing it out. He broke up with my friend and then he started going out with his first love once again. He and I didn’t really talk much but I guess there was some level of respect between he and I that we felt.
Now last summer that just past me and him started texting and we became friends once again. We talked to each other about everything and anything. Things of course got a bit…cryptic let’s just say and we were back to how we used to be flirting and all those nice things but through text and the internet. Once back in school we started up this relationship, it was a week before 5 days before my birthday when he asked me for a kiss and I gave it to him. He asked me again and I did it again, and before I left school he asked me for another one and of course I gave it to him. That was in September now we are in June and this is a continuous cycle. Me and him kiss and (in adult terms) have been having an intimate relationship since October. However recently I found out he has a girlfriend because I got sick of his secretive behavior and I asked him why he was being so secretive. (I give him that he is honest) so I stopped the intimacy about a month ago because I felt that I was helping him cheat on his girlfriend. However we still kiss because I fall for the cute little things he says to me.
Okay now here is the real problem, last night I was craving intimacy with him so I started texting him cutesy lovey dovey things and things letting him kind of know that I was seeking intimacy with him and he was rejecting me. This made me frustrated because anytime he wanted intimacy I gave it to him so why can he just do the same for me? So I blew up on him, the end of my blow up I said “Goodnight” and instead of him asking me what’s wrong, what happened, or why was I acting like this he simply put “Goodnite” needless to say I was pretty upset. I wish that he would have said something but I guess he has had enough of my mental breakdowns, and explosions that he got tired of it and just doesn’t want to deal with them anymore. I couldn’t sleep at all, I stood up trying to make myself apologize but I was just way too proud. But a little bit before 5 I sent him a text saying “Sorry that I had a small blow up at you earlier, I didn’t mean for it to happen. I hope you can overlook it like you do all the other things I do.” So needless to say my anxiety is through the roof, this guy means the world to me. If he ever were to leave my life and stop loving me in anyway…I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I live my life to please him. If I don’t have him around I don’t have a life. My friends tell me that they can’t see me without him. I don’t know why I have so much love for him. Everyone asks me why do I love him so much, my best thought is that he was the first guy to really show me love and to tell me they love me. I don’t know, right now im just waiting for him to text back and without his text my anxiety will not go down nor will my mood lift.
i know this relationship is very toxic but right now i cant give it up, he is one of the only people that understands, and i cant let him go just yet.

[Suki22]

oh, sweetie. you sound like you're way in over your head with this guy. please do not base your life around some guy who is capable of cheating, period. you're far too young to be dealing with this stuff already. he may have been your first love, etc, but there's someone better out there for you! please do not hang any more hopes on this guy--he's lost and he's using you. do not listen to your friends. he doesn't understand you; he only understands how he can manipulate you.

you may not believe it but you deserve better. I know this to be true.

[Leed]

Suki is right. I felt in love with my first love too. I was never intimate with him, but I loved him anyway. My whole world revolved around him and I couldn't get him off my mind -- this went on for a LONG long time.

But he only came around when he broke up with other girls - or when he was cheating on his girlfriends. He was just using me. He didn't really LOVE me. It seems that it's the same for you and this guy. He's just manipulating you, like Suki said.

Don't waste your life and time on this guy. I know you love him, but he doesn't feel the same - it's obvious. Let him go, and find someone who feels the SAME for you as YOU feel. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[CherryEcho]

Thanks Suki22 and Leed, it means a whole lot that yoy have stopped by to give me some advice it means a lot and yeah i really like him but you two are very right. he doesnt love me, and i have to come to terms with that. i am young but i see it as i put myself into most of these situations and i must get myself out of them. but thank you both, it means a lot that you two care

[Sojourn]

Wow Cherry, sorry to hear about all the anguish you're going through.

Suki and Leed are right. This guy is using you. Sorry to say, but he just isn't willing to commit to you the way you have committed to him. He knows how you feel about him and he's taking full advantage of that. He takes what he wants and is not concerned with what he gives back to you. The fact that he has been secretive and has another girlfriend really says it all.

Take care of yourself. Don't put yourself through more pain. It's time to find yourself someone who is actually worthy of you. I know it's not easy to walk away from someone you have such a deep attachment to. Just keep in mind that this relationship is completely unhealthy for you personally and is only going to lead to more heartache and stress. You sound like an intelligent and loving girl so I am sure you will have no problem finding someone who will appreciate those fine qualities about you.

[BDPpartner]

First hun let me send you a big hug In my circle of friends we can all identify with letting a boy/man treat them less than how they deserve. But honey you do deserve better. You deserve to be the centre of his affections and not have to share him. If he doesn't share your feelings; i know this is easier said than done, but you really should walk away. One day you'll find someone to treat you like a princess and you'll wonder why you didn't walk away sooner, i have

[CherryEcho]

Thanks! this means so much that you guys have taken the time out to give me advice! anyways, i talked to him today and he said he accepted my apology and he started saying cutesy things to me to see if i would react to it and I'm proud to say that i resisted. I think this comes from my boyfriend that i got with sunday. He is really sweet and i would never dream of cheating on him. he is amazingly funny as well so he can make me smile anytime i need it however this boy also has his downfalls but more on that in another post. Lets say boy that cheated on his girlfriend with me is pretty mad right now at me beacause he found out that i have a boyfriend and that i'm not willing to cheat on him. but thanks to everyone for taking the time out to give me advice and help me out with this guy. It means a lot!