insecurity or red flag?

I am a 41 y/o woman & in a relatively new relationship (8 months) w/a 43 y/o man. I have a history of being cheated on and it has left me with a tremendous difficulty with trust. I obsessively worry that my boyfriend will or might be cheating on me, although he has given me no reason to worry. I do not share w/him the level of insecurity I struggle with & keep most of it to myself or discuss in therapy, unless a concrete situation occurs where I feel threatened or insecure, then I bring it up w/"I" statements & he has been very receptive to talking openly w/me about my concerns. He has a history of being falsely accused of cheating by his previous girlfriends; he has told me he's never cheated and I believe him. His long-term friends support this as well. He has spent periods of time when he was single or dating unsuccessfully and admits to having used porn probably more often than he felt he should during that time, and occasionally uses it now, which I'm fine with, as long as it doesn't get in the way of our sex life, which it hasn't.
We met online & I'm aware that he has had an extensive dating history & has had several relationships, the longest one lasting 2 years. He admits to having some intimacy issues & is actively working on those in therapy & has been for several years before I met him. Things are going really well for us. We have had some rough patches, but through honest, open, real-time communication, we have worked through a lot & are committed to changing dysfunctional patterns we both have from previous relationships & giving this one our all.
All that being said, I had an incident occur this a.m. that I am struggling with. I spent the night at his house last night & he left for work while I was still there. I went into his office to get a piece of paper to leave him a little love note on his pillow. I was absolutely not snooping, and noticed a drawer in his desk that was wide open. In the drawer were 4 pairs of womens' panties in plain sight, none of them mine, different sizes & styles, and all of them had obviously been worn and still had scent on them. I am aware that scents can linger for sometime and am trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I was so upset & felt like throwing up. I waited a few hours & called him at work & asked him about it. He was mainly embarrassed and ashamed & said he hadn't even thought about them in a very long time & had the drawer open because he was looking for something in there earlier and didn't even notice the panties. Of course, he wondered if I'd been snooping, which I wasn't & tried my best to help him understand the context of my discovery. He was at work, so obviously couldn't get into details, but told me they were "from years ago" and he could explain more later. He sounded upset & kind of angry, wasn't defensive, but admitted he was ashamed & that my call kind of ruined his day, but he understood why I called & why I needed to know. We have since apologized to one another & agreed to talk about it more later.
If he has a kinky side & it isn't interfering w/his or our life negatively, I don't have a problem w/that. I'd just want him to be truthful w/me about it. I wouldn't even have that much of a problem if he's kept old gf's undies as "trophies" or masturbation tools (although, of course I plan to ask him to get rid of them since it makes me uncomfortable & hopefully he doesn't feel the need to hold on to them anymore). My main worry is that he could be cheating or have some sort of internet porn issue & I worry that I'm going to get the wool pulled over my eyes again like I did w/my last boyfriend (who was guilty of both of the above & did a great job of hiding it). I'm a pretty understanding, non-judgemental, non-reactive, compassionate person who prefers to give folks the benefit of the doubt & believes people are innocent until proven guilty, & understand that we all have done things in the past we are not proud of.
I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, similar testimonials, reframes, or even a reality check if I need it. Help!

I don't think he's cheating on you and think the panties are from old girlfriends that he may use as masturbating tools. I know that even that may disturb you, but I don't know if it's something to get too worked up about at this point if your relationship is otherwise great. For example, I love my boyfriend and would never cheat on him but I sometimes fantasize about other guys (mostly strangers but sometimes an old boyfriend or two) if I masturbate (infrequently and mostly to relive PMS).

Please don't use this as an excuse to go on a witch hunt or to start the squirrels running on that wheel in your head. I have the same fears that you do (never been cheated on by a boyfriend that I know about, but father had a mistress for years) and it can be a quick "go to" place in my head...mostly with little or no cause.

I do hope he understands your fears and is open to you talking about them but try not to accuse him of anything without proof...if he does cheat on you, that's his fault and he's an ***. If you push him away because you're afraid and he's done nothing wrong, then those doubts you're fighting will win. I think the latter is a much worse thing in the long run.

I have to agree with Lido. He sounds like a very open and honest guy, and these ARE probably from some time ago. I don't think he's cheating on you. You would have had indications of this by now.

I know how these "cheatiing thoughts" can take wing in the head, but you're going to have to fight them off, and trust what you BELIEVE to be REAL. If he's being open and honest, if he's communicating well, if he's where he says he's going to be and doesn't disappear for days, etc., then there's no reason for you not to trust him. It sounds like he really wants to make this relationship work so don't go looking for trouble where there isn't any.

Best of luck -- I hope you two make it. And I'm glad you both are in therapy. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

That's a tough one. Alarm bells started ringing in my head when you stated he has been falsely accused of cheating by many previous girlfriends; and here you are, like them? There's a pattern/dynamic here that is hard to understand; it was not an "accident" that the underwear drawer was left open or is in his working desk drawer? Why not his bedroom drawer (where you probably would not snoop)? If you or I were going to keep such "trophies" I would think, at a minimum, we would keep them in a bottom drawer and you would have opened a top drawer for paper and pencil and not even thought of opening bottom desk drawers because who keeps anything "interesting" in bottom desk drawers?

So, I don't think this is going to be the only "surprise" you get in this relationship? Like I say, I don't think it was planned consciously but sounds like this guy might have a bit of unconscious stuff going on that he's picking women who tend to think he's a cheater and leaving drawers with panties in them open (ask him when you talk if he found what he was looking for in that drawer and/or if it was the last drawer he opened/closed and why didn't he leave a "different" drawer open)? Just as we have our patterns, sounds like he has some operating also that do not sound easy to deal with along with one's own?

neoseattle, do you have a T that you can speak with? You (said with kindness and understanding) have some big issues that you need to address in a safe environment.

I truly believe you need to work through all of your fears of infidelity and hurt (TRUST) first before you get into a relationship; otherwise, you are setting yourself up (and your SO up) for failure.

You need to learn to set boundaries and KNOW deep down inside with conviction what your non-negotiables are and who you are before getting into a relationship. That way you don't have to worry, feel defensive or be fearful. Otherwise, the other person senses/knows that and is being set up to hurt you. It's a confusing message (inside your feel fear and hurt and yet you are totally putting yourself out there).

In the meantime, listen to your instincts, and get out of there before you REALLY get hurt. IMO, he absolutely lied to you about the panties.

I do not mean to sound mean or harsh but it sounds as if you are a gumby girlfriend ... bending to your SO rather than just being who you are. I mean are you REALLY ok with a porn addiction or fetishes or infidelity or are you just saying that you be really "cool and understanding".

By expression your (valid) concerns here, but then almost canceling them out by expressing that you "are pretty understanding, non-judgemental, non-reactive, compassionate person who prefers to give folks the benefit of the doubt & believes people are innocent" until "proven guilty", & understand that we all have done things in the past we are not proud of....

This (to me) sounds like you are so terrified of getting hurt you are willing to be extra flexible and understanding and then go into detective and lawyer mode on someone else (using up all that energy), before you will even consider just trusting yourself and walking away. You KNOW what is wrong. Trust yourself.

Please listen to yourself. Let us know how you are doing. Take good care of yourself. Best wishes.

((((Rose))))

After reading some of the other posts, I actually took a look through my underwear drawer. Guess what, there were actually two pair of men's briefs in there. I've been with my b.f. for 2.5 years and have never cheated on ANY boyfriend. They just happened to be in there and I totally forgot about them (admittedly, I have a ton of underwear and and they were at the bottom of the pile and not in plain site, but they will be in the trash today). I guess the fact that the panties were in an open drawer is a bit different but I'm just not sure that this guy is a cheater....maybe he wants to create jealousy because he himself is insecure? I still say to wait to talk to the guy before freaking out. I sure would want the benefit of the doubt.