[chipperdear]

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but it seemed like the closest fit.

I've been doing a lot of thinking as to why I have been trying to avoid relationships while at the same time hoping for one. I just realized this yesterday, but it comes down to my mother. Don't get me wrong, my mom is awesome. We never fight, never did the whole teenage screaming and yelling bit. She raised me by herself, went back to school, got a better job. But I realized that she never talks positively about men. Ever. Except for her father anyways. I remember hearing "Never rely on a man for anything" and "No matter what, make sure you can support yourself" and "if you rely on a man to support you, you'll be stuck forever". What really made me put two and two together though, was this statement: "I could never convert to that religion even if I believed in it because the man is the head of the household and is 'right' even when he's wrong." (We were watching a documentary about a conservative religious family - not meaning to start a debate here, just communicating what my mother said.) To my mom, all men except her dad are worthless pigs who use women and don't know anything. While I understand her opinion about being able to support yourself (you never know what could happen), I notice a pattern with the way my mind processes the things my mom says. In school, she would tell me that if I got in trouble at school, I'd get in twice as much trouble at home. I would go out of my way to not get in trouble (ie. "use your inside voices" to me translated into "whisper", "don't talk to strangers" led to a case of selective mutism, "don't run in the hallways" led to getting yelled at for walking too slow). Do I want to be independent, yes. Do I want to be independent to the point where I'd rather be single than have to compromise on things within a relationship? Absolutely not. I'm not sure how to "reprocess" or walk away from these ideas my mom put in my head (intentionally or not).

[Leed]

I had to KIND of laugh, cause I can relate. It's not because my mom said those kinds of things, but because both my folks were drunks, and I decided I didn't want to get married at ALL . But I did - once to an abusive idiot, and once to an AMAZING, wonderful man who died much too soon.

Don't believe what your mom said. Sure, we all want to be somewhat independent so that we CAN support ourselves if something happened. But I don't think anyone wants to be alone for life -- we all want a "partner" in our life and everyone has to compromise whether it's in a relationship or not! And I would NOT marry a man who had to be RIGHT all the time. LOL I married a man like that once, and it was miserable. People hated him and we had no friends. You're an intelligent woman, and I think you can work past this. Use your own intelligence, and instincts -- you know what she said isn't "normal." All men AREN'T pigs. You just have to be careful who you choose, just like THEY do. lol

God bless & best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by chipperdear

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but it seemed like the closest fit.

I've been doing a lot of thinking as to why I have been trying to avoid relationships while at the same time hoping for one. I just realized this yesterday, but it comes down to my mother. Don't get me wrong, my mom is awesome. We never fight, never did the whole teenage screaming and yelling bit. She raised me by herself, went back to school, got a better job. But I realized that she never talks positively about men. Ever. Except for her father anyways. I remember hearing "Never rely on a man for anything" and "No matter what, make sure you can support yourself" and "if you rely on a man to support you, you'll be stuck forever". What really made me put two and two together though, was this statement: "I could never convert to that religion even if I believed in it because the man is the head of the household and is 'right' even when he's wrong." (We were watching a documentary about a conservative religious family - not meaning to start a debate here, just communicating what my mother said.) To my mom, all men except her dad are worthless pigs who use women and don't know anything. While I understand her opinion about being able to support yourself (you never know what could happen), I notice a pattern with the way my mind processes the things my mom says. In school, she would tell me that if I got in trouble at school, I'd get in twice as much trouble at home. I would go out of my way to not get in trouble (ie. "use your inside voices" to me translated into "whisper", "don't talk to strangers" led to a case of selective mutism, "don't run in the hallways" led to getting yelled at for walking too slow). Do I want to be independent, yes. Do I want to be independent to the point where I'd rather be single than have to compromise on things within a relationship? Absolutely not. I'm not sure how to "reprocess" or walk away from these ideas my mom put in my head (intentionally or not).

I could so relate to your post!

What I have been doing most of my life is just making new experiences with people. I learned to be soo accomodating thinking it would make people "not be mad" at me. I still sometimes have to force myself to *not* accommodate someone and just deal with the perceived disapproval.

When it comes to relationships, I just have taught myself to trust my gut and when I dont feel comfortable with something say no. I take my time in getting to know men, and just realize that I need to accept them 100% for who they are or if I can't, dont start a relationship with them. I think the fear of relationships comes in part from fear of making mistakes. Its not the end of the world to make a mistake, but be wise in selecting people you'll allow into your life.

I think for those of us that have been taught "black and white" thinking its the most difficult to strike a balance with compromise.

[Miss Jade]

It's "funny" what we pick up from parents (actually sometimes it's downright tragic.) Our parents are so important to how we develop. You'll see it time and time again - we tend to pick up some of the same patterns, same thoughts etc. Most parents try their best, but can teach us some very bad habits. I guess it's up to us as adults to try and relearn them. Which can be very hard, esp. if you're suffering from mental health issues.

[chipperdear]

well its nice to know that people can relate to my experience I suppose this is one of those things you learn by doing?

I agree with Strawberry!

Your mum has obviously been burnt, but people react to this is different ways. Some people dust themselves down and get on with a new relationship, others never go there again for fear of being hurt.

I just think its part of life. People will let you down, people will behave as idiots, and nothing you can do to stop them. But in there can be an absolute gem, and how will you ever meet him/her if you dont put yourself out there? I agree with Strawberry, taking your time over getting to know people is good, as is trusting your gut.

:-)

[BDPpartner]

It's very hard to put learn behaviours to one side, it's almost like having to reprogram yourself but it can be done and you've taken the biggest step; admitting that you need to change something within yourself well done. The other thing i'd like to add and perhaps it may seem i'm playing devils advocate, not my intention. But it maybe that your mum continually reinforced the 'men are pigs' thing for her own benefit as well as yours, perhaps reminding herself not to give into feelings and become hurt. Her way of keeping herself safe and stopping herself from dropping her barriers. She was probably really let down and hurt by a pig of a man or maybe either more than one and just decide it was easiler, better to be alone. And as twisted as it maybe she'd rather you be alone than get hurt. Maybe some mother daughter councilling would help you both