[lido78]

I'm 43 and have been with my 38 year old boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He has been having financial issues with his business for the last year or so but my job and financial situation are very stable. He is at the point right now of trying to rent out his house and taking a smaller apartment to help create some cash flow until the business turns around.

Intellectually, I understand that moving in together for financial reasons is not the way to go, but I'm struggling a bit with it anyway since it would be something I'd want to do if he were in better shape financially. I originally raised the issue after suggesting that he rent out his place and he said that he did not want to move in to a place that was already set up as "my" place (basically, I'd have to get rid of a lot of stuff to make room for him rather than it being our place) and to create any kind of financial burden on me if his situation got worse.

I totally get his point of view, especially since I know that men look at these kinds of things differently than women. But, I still feel kind of hurt and wonder if it's just an excuse to avoid the idea generally. I've asked him if his only concerns are because of the business and he says yes. However, he tends to move very slowly in relationships due to his prior divorce.

I'm not looking to get married and have kids but I do want to share my life and my "space" with someone long term. I love him and would like this to be our ultimate goal but am not sure if we're on the same page. To pressure him about this now, however, may really just be selfish. But, at what point can I express what I'd like without it being seen as selfish. Honestly, he's struggling every day with the business (he even talked briefly with a lawyer about bankruptcy), and I just hate to add one more thing to his stress.

[Perna]

If he is going to move out anyway; maybe you could too; to a joint, cheaper-for-you-too, smaller place and the "extra" you save could go to the rent without "costing" you anything? That way you'd be able to get rid of some stuff if you wanted (I loved downsizing when we moved from our big house to this little townhouse) and both of you would get a fresh start.

I hear you about men seeing it all differently. I was able to get a job and put my husband on my company health insurance when he was contracting, that was very helpful as our health insurance before then was $1000 for the two of us each month as we're both overweight. So, I didn't contribute money but made things less expensive instead.

[Leed]

You're really trying to HELP him get on his feet until things improve, right? So why do you really have to discuss the long-term issue right now? Why not wait until things improve, and he's not so stressed? The point now is just giving him some help until he can get things straightened out. Do you think he'd agree to that? Or would his pride get in the way?

If it's his pride, then charge him rent for while -- not much, just enough so he won't feel like he's 'mooching.' lol

[lido78]

I've been helping in most ways that are not financial. I help him with some of the business stuff (helping get better organized since he's ADD as well as to brain storm on bigger picture items), read contracts and help write communications (I work for a law firm, so this stuff is second nature to me). I've also helped get his house in shape to rent out (painting, cleaning, etc.) and to helped him look for additional part-time gigs to supplement his income.

He has never asked for money of any kind, but I do tuck away an extra bit each month in case he does need it (if not, then I have a forced saving plan in place for a super nice vacation!).

I'm hesitant to suggest moving to a new apartment for both of us because he knows that I'd actually like to buy a place of my own in the next year or so, and I love my current place (I'd probably never leave if interest rates for a first time home buyer were not so tempting right now). My current apartment is a two-bedroom, two bath bi-level with a nice deck and completely affordable on one income (for some reason, my landlord seems to have forgotten to raise my rent for the last 3 years). I could buy a place now on my own but would like the additional year to save a bit more since my parents are much older and have some health issues (don't want to use up all my cash in case they need help).

I think that a combination of both suggestions above may work....give myself the next year to save for a new place (with or without him) and see if he's in better shape and emotionally ready to realistically consider moving in. He already owns two places, so I'd probably want to buy it on my own...but he could use the rents from both places to split the mortgage with me (as part of his "rent").

I guess that I'm anxious to discuss this with him now since we've already been together 2.5 years... and I'm not totally convinced that even if his situation improves he would want to live with me (or anyone for that matter)...I need to be realistic if that's his position and figure out if I'm okay with living separately indefinitely or if I'd need to move on....

I'm so torn! I also worry that I may actually crave my space if we do move in...I've never lived with anyone other than a roommate for two years and it's one of the reasons I've never married.