My boyfriend just called and asked if I wanted to go to the beach with his sister. I'm still in my pajamas, no shower. Met his sister only once. I feel like a freak now. The beginning of our relationship centered around me being a secret so his wife whom he had separated from wouldn't know about me because it would hurt her, so he says. So, I didn't meet his kids, nor his family. Now, when he asks me to hang out with any of them, he springs it on me an hour before he wants to leave. What the heck? It's supposed to be a normal thing to meet your boyfriend's family and kids (if he has any,) but he makes no plan ahead of time. (BTW, he doesn't feel comfortable meeting my family, all of 2 people.) It's just a spontaneous thing, and I'm supposed to be all normal all of the sudden. He doesn't understand that I'm not OUTGOING like his wife was. She forced her way into his family. I've stayed out of the picture because I was hurt that I was kept a secret, I'm not up to dealing with his kids especially since he is so insensitive to my needs. I wonder if he just expected me to be a nice little replacement for the wonderful wife who he hasn't even made an effort to make his ex-wife. It's been 2 years!
And now he yelled at me, "It's not a big deal!! It's just my sister and her kid!!" Yeah, now I really want to go after he made me feel like a total freak for being antisocial. It's so difficult for me to meet new people anyway, and then throw this whole mess on top of it makes it 10 times worse. Now he's going to the beach without me, and I feel sad because I'd like to have some fun too. He has no understanding of how his actions affect me. He's just thrown me to the side because I don't conform to his plans.

[Perna]

Whoa! Where are your plans? Do you want to go to the beach, right now with his sister and niece/nephew or not? If not, you say so or say you need more time to get ready, you're still in your pajamas and haven't showered or just say you would have if he'd given you more notice but you're enjoying your day off now instead, etc.

He does not get to decide how you feel, whether it is a big deal to you or not and you don't get to decide what he wants/is doing. He may have a different style than you do; that's not a crime any more than your style being slower and more about planning is one. But if you want to be with him, you have to realize that he has that style and be prepared to do what is necessary when he comes up with an impromptu invite to the beach just like he has to decide, when you make a plan if he wants to be with you when you go do something 4th of July (a friend just made plans with my husband and me for the 1st of July, for example, for a pre-4th party). If there is no give and take, good communication and compromise with styles, then why are you bothering with this person from whom you don't receive anything you want?

[LookingforCalm]

You need to get away from this guy. He is obviously no good for you. He isn't considerate of his vows, and he is obviously not considerate of your needs.

If you haven't met anyone because of his situation, then he has no business being angry with you because you won't meet up with them.

And you know whose problem this is? HIS!

You've been waiting on this guy for two years? I'm sorry - that's two years too long! Methinks everything is all about him, and what he wants when he wants it. And that includes you.

Honestly, I would take a step back and realize what is really going on - this guy isn't going to leave his wife or file for divorce. Because believe me, if he wanted to - he already would have done so. My ex filed as soon as I said I was leaving...

Sorry, love. He's not being respectful of you at all.

[teenytiny]

If he cheated on her most likely he will cheat on you. You deserve better than this!!!!

[Leed]

I was with my late husband for quite some time, and he was separated from his wife. He told me he was gettiing a divorce, but he kept putting it off. Finally, we were going out one night with another couple, and I just told him I was tired of dating another woman's husband -- he filed the next day. LOL

But anyway -- why don' t you TELL him he isn't considerate of you and when he makes plans he has to give you more notice? Seems simple to me. You two need to sit down and TALK - he doesn't even KNOW you very well. He doesn't seem to know that you have a hard time meeting people or that you're not as outgoing as his wife.

i'm not sure this is the right guy for you. Like teenytiny said, if he cheated on his wife, he'll probably cheat on you too. They always do.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks everyone. I talk A LOT about my feelings with him. Almost everyday, and he complains about it too. He is sick of hearing me, but he doesn't really listen. I don't know why I keep talking about stuff knowing he's not listening, but if I don't get it out, I feel like I'll explode. He never understands me. He doesn't even try. And it feels like he's always against me, never on my side. For example, this past Friday, I drove about 10 miles to see a psychiatrist. I just needed someone to talk to, and my job offers 5 free sessions. I got to her office about 15 minutes early, and was a little put off by the fact that the door was locked and the lights were off. I kept wondering how long I was supposed to wait. I thought she should've been there AT LEAST 5 minutes early. I really thought she was blowing me off because maybe my company doesn't pay her well through this program......so I'm not that important of a patient. It's kind of a courtesy rule to be somewhere a little early when you're meeting someone for the first time. Well, I didn't have a watch or my phone, so I just went back to my car to check the time. I sat in my car thinking if I should just go back in, but I received no phone call from her letting me know she'd be late. I was kinda mad and figured I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up to this person now, so I just went home. 15 minutes later she called twice leaving 2 messages, the second having an annoyed tone in her voice. I should've called her first and asked, "Where are you Dr.? I'm waiting by your office door, it's locked." When I got home, he was there, and I told him what happened. Instead of keeping his 2 cents to himself, and being supportive, he asked me, "You couldn't wait 5 more minutes???? You know what I see from you? You're impatient." I was shocked he would say that. He's the most impatient person I know, and I practically have the patience of a saint. This is the first time I decided not to wait for someone who was showing me inconsideration. I really thought about going back up to the office to give the doctor a chance, but I pictured her fumbling for her keys to open the door, and me awkwardly standing there with some feeling that she wasn't professional enough to meet me with an open door. I didn't feel welcome to allow her to help me. I figured if she couldn't be on time, she wouldn't really listen either. I explained all of this to him, and he still thought I was wrong for not waiting. And then I told him that he is never on my side. He's never supportive. Whatever I say, he always repeats it, and says I do the same thing. Like he's an echo. That shows me how very little he appreciates me. I let him stay with me for a year, rent free. I've helped him so much but, he never recognized it. He was able to pay off all the debt he accumulated with his wife. And speaking of his wife, I'm obsessed with comparing myself to her. I feel like she really was the greatest, but how could she be? She was a cheater, and a liar, and irresponsible. I think that him and her are more suited to each other because they are both like that. Oh, he didn't leave her for me. She had left him a few months before we became friends again. Anyway, I feel inferior to this woman, and it comes up nearly everyday with most situations. Every time, there's an argument, I bring her up. He acts like I'm the first woman to ever "nag" at him.
Oh, anyway. with the beach fight yesterday, I asked him to not get mad if I told him my thoughts. He said he wouldn't get mad. I said calmly, "You expect me to jump. I did have plans. It wasn't much, just washing the dishes, the tub, go to get groceries......and you just spring your plans on me again, plus, I told you how hard it is for me to meet people and....." He interrupted me, "Ok, it's not that big of a deal, you're not meeting the President, just my sister and her kid..." The last time he "invited" me, I had just woken up, and he was about to leave to hang out with his family and his kids. He asked if I wanted to go, while I'm still laying in bed. I'd just opened my eyes. I asked him, "Do you want to hang out with my mom and brother?" His reply, "No, what do you guys do all day? Cry?" He has this idea that my tiny family is so depressed and a drag to be around. This is pretty much what he thinks of me. He asks, "Who wants to be around someone who is sad all of the time??" I'm not sad ALL the time, maybe much of the time, but his observation actually helped a little in some weird way, even though it hurts that he says that. I've realized that I probably have chronic depression. I also am realizing that if I want to get any better and enjoy life at all, I won't be able to do it with him so close. I need to distance myself from him so I can heal. He's like a weight trying to drag me down further.
Thanks for listening. I'm sorry this is sooooooo long.

[Suki22]

seems like the writing's on the wall. he uses you and you don't get anything back. there is someone else better out there for you, someone who will understand and care. take care of yourself first, then work on finding someone better. hugs!