[jmomb]

So ive been with my fiance for almost 9 years now. We used to have great communication but now it seems like he doesnt actually HEAR what im talking about. He listens but then nothing, no improvement. Any ideas on how to get him to follow through with what are conversations are about?
Thanks

[Perna]

Are you clear about what you want from him? There's nothing wrong with saying, "I'd like you to help me around here by taking out the trash every evening after dinner". If suggestions don't work, ask direct questions he has to answer, "Will you help me by taking out the trash every evening after dinner?"

Too, "conversation" isn't just about getting the other person to do what we want Because we want someone to spend more time with us; that may not be on their agenda and does not have to be; we only get to control our own behavior and expect things only from ourselves. We can ask for things and the other person can say, "Yes, I'll do that!" or "No, sorry, not interested" but we can't just talk about how we really think we're giving and they're taking and we're not getting a fair share, etc. and have something happen; our getting a fair share is our problem, not someone else's.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by jmomb

So ive been with my fiance for almost 9 years now. We used to have great communication but now it seems like he doesnt actually HEAR what im talking about. He listens but then nothing, no improvement. Any ideas on how to get him to follow through with what are conversations are about?

Does he hear you better when the conversations are about topics that do not involve him "improving"? If so, then perhaps his not responding by "improving" is a passive aggressive way of telling you he doesn't appreciate your suggestions that he improve. You could test this out by seeing if he can hear your conversations on more benign topics. I also agree with Perna to be very direct so that there is no miscommunication.

[teenytiny]

I'm having some of the same problems. Sometimes even if I am direct as some have suggested it doesn't work and i find myself repeating the same things over and over and over... but we are finally seeing a t after our recent cancellation of our wedding. We still want to get married just want to make sure its going to work. Have you tried therapy??

[jmomb]

I feel like ive tried every way of communication with him. Im a stay at home mom and He use to be really supportive when he got home from work. Took out trash made me tea helped with dishes ect. Now i get nothing. Ill ask hey babe can you take out the trash? Or hey on sunday can you get up with jaden so i can sleep in? I get a yes no problem then it never happens. So i tell him i know it just trash but it really upsets me when ask something simple from you and you dont do it. Then its the whole im sorry ill do it blah blah blah.......... he says what i want to hear so i leave him alone. But ive gotten to the point where i ask he says ok and if its not done in 5 mins i ask again and again and again. It like i have two 3 year olds instead of one. Im slowly falling apart. Im on sleeping meds and stress/anxiety meds now you think he would help more...........

Your partner sounds exactly like mine! The first two and a half years we were together he helped out so much with chores, cooked the odd dinner - he's not so good at cooking for a veggie, but he used to like trying and it was so thoughtful! Then I moved 200 miles to be with him, and had trouble getting a new job in the area. I offered to do most of the chores until I got a job to pay my way, and redecorated the whole house.. but it seemed to trigger a behaviour that can only be likened to a 14 year old stroppy teenager who I could happily stop his pocket money and ground him!!

We've had so many conversations about this, he agree's with me, promises to buck up his idea's.. then doesnt change a bit. 2 more years on he's the same - today he still put rubbish on the floor, right next to the bin. I mean, what?? Are you blind or an ignorant pig??! He leaves absolutely everything to me to clean up and never puts anything in the bin, let alone wash up, do laundry, shop, cook... I went on strike once, and all he did was get a takeaway (he'd live on them if he could so it was actually a good thing in his eyes!). I tease him now, but yep, its like having another kid. It doesnt make me feel warm to him, romantic, or even like him at times. I actually get pretty angry occasionally! But you know, the only thing in two years that I have managed to get through is to make me a cuppa tea now and then! I guess I have to either accept it, or hope that a miracle happens... I think I know which will come first!

Joking aside, I find that his 'forgetfulness' over cleaning after himself and his listening skills where he actually takes something in, is effected by how stressed or unhappy he is. When I moved with my b/f in he was made redundant and then headhunted in the same week, he found all the change really hard to cope with. Have you noticed any other changes in his behaviour?

[kaliope]

you can try communicating using "i statements"
I feel______
when______
because ______
what i would like is______
these are less threatening and less likely to put someone on the defensive because you are communicating your feelings, why you feel that way, your needs and how they can be met. you are being very clear this way.

then it would be helpful, to know your partner has heard your message if you could have him repeat back to you what he has heard. not just a yes, but yes, i will take the garbage out and when he will do it. it may not be now because he is busy, but by five. making a committment to a time they are more likely to do the task than not.

[Perna]

That's horrible jmomb that he's "dropping" things, not doing what he says he'll do. I got into a good discussion with my husband one night by not doing anything to start fixing dinner We sat around as usual and then he finally asked about dinner; we got into a good discussion about expectations and taking things for granted and how much difference it makes when someone just says the words but then does not follow through. He was miffed that I hadn't "told" him and I was able to explain it's similar to his saying he'll do something and then not; not saying anything and letting someone expect the "usual" will happen. I let him know it was similar to what I felt when he just gave me lip service.

[jmomb]

Thanks guys ill try all this advice over the next couple days and see how it goes wish me luck!