[cvbcvb]

well, i promised myself i was done posting on this site, but here i am on my 2nd post. and i dont have anything AS crazy to say as i did last time....i guess i more or less just want to write my relationship story....which is dumb. no one cares about anyone elses relationship issues, but we all want to talk about them i guess. even though im not 15 anymore (im 30), i aparently still have that 15yr olds need to discuss childish heartaches and ask for answers that are obvious.

you dont need to know much. well, you dont NEED to know any of this, so thats a pointless statement.

i havent been in a real relationship for 6yrs. i loved that guy and when it broke apart so did i- then i fell in love even harder about 6months later. and im still in love with him i think. i have no interest in anyone else. i have no interest in relationships in general because they always destroy me, but id be lying if i said i wasnt a romantic. much too much so.

i have issues, for sure, but im not going to detail all of them right now.
i fell in love at 25 with a man still love today. with a man who has never felt the same, though we were good friends long ago. from 27-29 i spent in severe depression over losing him entirely- we had a fight, he moved away, i didnt understand why he didnt love me...and i still dont. its not that i cant see why anyone shouldnt love me since im so freakin fantastic....its that dont understand why it should be that my heart is so wrapped up in something completely imaginary. hearts are supposed to know best. if youre a romantic, you believe that too. love matters and it is never less important than it seems. but it is- hence my depression. losing him wasnt just losing him....i lost my faith in love...in my own heart...in the all knowing god....in fate. it was random and it was not real. i lived the most important things in my mind alone....for no reason at all.
ive got the beautiful lucinda williams howling the Ugly Truth in the background as i write.
it adds to the mood.
ive isolated myself for a long time now. from all my old friends...from the things that once made me so happy. i was a musician, i lived a good life, i had the best friends in the best places and i had the best times. im still a musician, but i lost all the things i had then....when love was still something i believed. i still play all over the country....alone. i do everything alone now.
and for all the dreams i had then of fame and what not, the dream i have now is to live that love again...to have that man sing with me again for no one at all. he had the most beautiful voice. he still does.

anyway, i get sidetracked by ms. williams.
things seem empty tonight, like they do most nights.

my old guitarists mother died....creating a reason for all of the old crew to be together again this last wed-fri. she was irish catholic- they have long funerals. and so i saw the friends i hadnt seen in a year and the love of my life i hadnt seen in 2. hes fatter and older- boy was he good looking years ago- but i love him still anyway. i was afraid of that.
i spent years getting to be ok with him not loving me. i shed tears in bars in every state. my heart never really healed....but i accepted it. only six months ago at that. i finally stopped burning and just felt empty.

then i see him again and i am back where i was before. my heart is endlessly ridiculous and never learns.

he seemed glad to see me and went out of his way to spend the entire time with me, but when finally - at the very last after-funeral party- as it winds down and everyone else goes home or to sleep- we get to talk alone, he doesnt love me. everything has changed but that i guess.

hes depressed lately living in a northern city 3hrs from mine and drinking his nights away alone, like i stay down here and spend mine alone waiting for anything.

im losing my mind and my health....i told him so. he told me people lose their minds and their bodies when they believe so hard that things matter and find out they really dont. i agreed. a truer statement i cant think of right now.

still i wanted to have my moments....god knows when i will get another moment to hear his voice again. i wish that life didnt have to be so sad.
i know we can never be together- that i wouldnt want to be with someone who didnt want to be with me, but it hurts anyway. after all of these years ive spent erasing it, the hurt is drawn upon my heart again. it never goes away.

we drank until the sun came up, and the rain forced the sun away. and i tried not to think of what would be true....that i will go back to not seeing him, to my empty everything.

hes back in boston now....not thinking of any of these things that i will dwell on forever. maybe some funeral will bring us together again in a few years. i will wait for that i guess.

i wish he loved me. i wish my life wasnt all about an imaginary love affair. i lost my best friend again this weekend. my wounds opened again. and what is there to do? nothing.

i will play his northern city soon and he says i should stay with him then. he will change his mind when the time comes. because we both know its no good for anything. i will set my heart on the chance and it will not come. i will play that city and i will watch that doorway that he'll never walk through like 100x before and my heart will eat me alive. it will eat my mind like it ate up my soul and my body. what good is love? what good is love? thats all i want to say.