[iliketherain]

Okay so...I dated my ex-boyfriend for 5 and 1/2 years, which is a really long time.

During the time we were together, I had to endure him treating me pretty badly. Things like name-calling/insults, controlling my facebook password and phone, emotional & physical abuse, and distrusting me were constant.

A few months ago we finally broke up. This happened because he moved back to his home town, and I stayed at my college. During this semester, I met someone else and started to like him. I finally started avoiding my ex, because I didn't know how else to break up with him.

Then one day he told me that he had cheated on me years ago, which I think just messed me up even more. I was in a sexual-abuse situation as a child, and I think this sort of set me up to assume that every guy is a pervert (which is really messed up I know - and I apologize if that offends anyone).

Even though we're broken up now, we still talk everyday. I don't know what to do...I feel like our relationship was "toxic" and addictive, and I don't know if I should just get back together with him or move on.

He keeps telling me if I don't get back together with him, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I really don't feel like I can get out of this at all, but I would appreciate any advice.

[Perna]

What happened with the guy you met; if you are still dating him and he seems a nice guy, I would keep dating him and ignore the old boyfriend or find a group of friends at college who are a good group and not like the old boyfriend and get involved in other activities that he is not interested in.

You have to break up with this guy eventually; you know you can't see yourself married to him and living the rest of your life around him? So, do it, does not matter how "addictive"/difficult it is, even addicts have to get clean or end up in jail/die/have worse happen to them.

[iliketherain]

Originally Posted by Perna

What happened with the guy you met; if you are still dating him and he seems a nice guy, I would keep dating him and ignore the old boyfriend or find a group of friends at college who are a good group and not like the old boyfriend and get involved in other activities that he is not interested in.

You have to break up with this guy eventually; you know you can't see yourself married to him and living the rest of your life around him? So, do it, does not matter how "addictive"/difficult it is, even addicts have to get clean or end up in jail/die/have worse happen to them.

I am still dating the guy that I met...and I know it sounds really bad that I'm still talking to my ex, since my current boyfriend doesn't exactly know about that (and my ex doesn't know about the new guy).

I guess I am just worried that my ex is right, and I'll never find someone that wants to stay with me for the rest of my life besides him. He goes back and forth between being nice and understanding, to be extremely mean - just like he was when we lived together.

After reading some of the topics in the relationship forum, I started wondering if I have BPD. But I guess I can't just use self-diagnoses as excuses for my answers forever.

Thank you so so much for your reply, and if anyone else reads this and has any input they'd like to offer, I'd really appreciate it.

[scorpiosis37]

Saying "You'll never find anyone else that wants to be with you forever; I'm the only who could ever want you" and "f you leave me, you'll regret it for the rest of your life" is EXACTLY what my abusive ex used to say to me. And, after years of insults, name calling, distancing me from my friends/family, controlling me, etc., my ex had damaged self-esteem so badly that I actually believed it! But you know what? It's NOT true. I'm with someone else now who treats me RIGHT. And you said you have another boyfriend now-- which proves him wrong! Clearly, he is NOT the only guy who wants to be with you. And, more importantly, someone who would say that kind of thing is not saying it because he believes it-- he is using it as a way to control you. He's using it as a threat. He's trying to scare you an intimidate you into taking him back. But, if that statement were true, he wouldn't need to threaten you and manipulate you into being with him! You wouldn't be out there dating someone else! It's abuser-speak-101. Abusers control their partners by wearing down their self-esteem and isolating them from their family/friends. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to get AWAY from this guy. You've already said that be is emotionally and physically abusive to you. That should be reason enough to get away! 99% of the time, abusers only get worse over time. The more power they have over you, the more they hurt you (physically, emotionally, etc.) From your post, it sounds like you feel scared and it sounds like you feel cornered and pressured by him. That's how abusers make us feel. But, in reality, you are FREE. You don't live with him, you don't owe him anything, you don't have to answer to him. You have the right to NOT take him back & to cut off communication. Trust me-- if you take him back, THAT is what you will regret! If you take him back, he will continue to insult you, call you names, and abuse you. Is that really what you want? I can tell you, from experience, that leaving my abuser is the BEST decision I have ever made & I have not regretted it for one second.

[iliketherain]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Saying "You'll never find anyone else that wants to be with you forever; I'm the only who could ever want you" and "f you leave me, you'll regret it for the rest of your life" is EXACTLY what my abusive ex used to say to me. And, after years of insults, name calling, distancing me from my friends/family, controlling me, etc., my ex had damaged self-esteem so badly that I actually believed it! But you know what? It's NOT true. I'm with someone else now who treats me RIGHT. And you said you have another boyfriend now-- which proves him wrong! Clearly, he is NOT the only guy who wants to be with you. And, more importantly, someone who would say that kind of thing is not saying it because he believes it-- he is using it as a way to control you. He's using it as a threat. He's trying to scare you an intimidate you into taking him back. But, if that statement were true, he wouldn't need to threaten you and manipulate you into being with him! You wouldn't be out there dating someone else! It's abuser-speak-101. Abusers control their partners by wearing down their self-esteem and isolating them from their family/friends. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to get AWAY from this guy. You've already said that be is emotionally and physically abusive to you. That should be reason enough to get away! 99% of the time, abusers only get worse over time. The more power they have over you, the more they hurt you (physically, emotionally, etc.) From your post, it sounds like you feel scared and it sounds like you feel cornered and pressured by him. That's how abusers make us feel. But, in reality, you are FREE. You don't live with him, you don't owe him anything, you don't have to answer to him. You have the right to NOT take him back & to cut off communication. Trust me-- if you take him back, THAT is what you will regret! If you take him back, he will continue to insult you, call you names, and abuse you. Is that really what you want? I can tell you, from experience, that leaving my abuser is the BEST decision I have ever made & I have not regretted it for one second.

Thank you so much for your reply! I really want to completely stop talking to him...or at least I think that I do. It's just, I'm not really sure why it seems so hard to stop.

There are times when he goes back to being horrible, and I know I should never answer his call again...and then there are other times, like tonight, when he's really nice to me?

Why does he do this? It just really confuses me and makes me feel like he's not so bad. I even sought therapy over this last year, and regardless of what my therapist told me, I was still not able to break up with him.

I'm really afraid I'm never going to be able to stop and that I'll end up just staying with him because I can't walk away. I wish someone could just force me to stop talking to him.

It is really scary...but I am really happy for that you were able to get out of your abusive relationship! I can't imagine how much better your life must be now.

I just don't know how this is going to end for me...am I completely crazy for continuing to talk to him? And is he completely crazy for going back-and-forth between being so nice to me and then so mean? At times like this, I would rather just die than have to deal with this...

My ex was a control freak, tho am so strong a person, he tried to do everything sneakily. He was paranoid, always checking my phone, emails etc. Hated it when I talked about my male collegues and really kicked off if I saw friends. We would row a lot, each time him doing something crazy, like trying to take the car keys out of my car while I was driving etc and forever calling me all the names under the sun and then flounce off.
After a couple of days he'd calm down and be sweetness and I would take him back. Things came to a head one morning when he pinned me up against the wall by the throat in anger, and I kicked him in the - you know what - and he left me.

After that I would get calls all day long, leaving me a mixture of wonderful sweet messages, and when I didnt respond, all sorts of nasty messages. Then he would email the same, and yep, he also said that I would never meet anyone who'd put up with me because I was such an awful person. This pattern of nice followed by nasty because he didnt get his way carried on for 4 months. I changed my door lock, I was so worried. Then I changed my numbers and emails and it finally stopped.

It took a long time to get over him, and I shudder over how things may have turned out if I'd stayed, even though at times it was sorely tempting. I was very much mistaken to think I could change him and help him, because the moments where he was lovely and funny were the best moments. There just were'nt many of them. It does take time to heal, and for the fog to clear.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you are strong enough to keep well away. It really would be for the best - its always better to be alone that with an abuser anyway.

since riotgrrrl and scorpiosis37 said what's most important i can only give you some advices , first of all TELL YOU BF ABOUT YOUR EX don't be afraid of the bf's reaction, if he'll hate you, or if he'll think you're crazy or anything 'cause right now you need as much emotional support you can get !! i am not trying to scare you but you can't know what your ex could do ,judging by your post he seems to have a violant tendenci so TELL YOUR FAMILY , YOUR FREINDS make sure your precious people know your current situation so they'll help you and keep you save, also DON'T EVER WALK ALONE be it in the street or on your way to university , as i said before you don't know what your ex could do so always make sure you have someone on your side and it would be better if it were you current bf , i am sure he would be able to protect you !!!
and again, i am not trying to scare you i just think it's better to be prepared !!!

hope everything goes fine !!!!

[Vibe]

Ya know, even when people are abusive and you know it, that doesn't make the feelings go away. When you're in a relationship with someone you form a connection with that person. This makes it hard to let go, even when you know it's for the best. People often stay together for a long time after they know it's over because of this.

He's using this, along with your insecurities, to keep you around. That's why you're having so much trouble moving on. It's hard for everyone, but he's working to make it impossible. Thus it's actually incredibly understandable that you're having so much trouble cutting off ties completely.

However, you need to. It's always hard to end things. In this case it is VITAL for your well-being. Tell him you've found a new guy and you never want to see him again. Block his number, e-mail, etc. It will be really, REALLY hard at first. Immerse yourself in your new life. Spend time with your new guy, go out with your friends, spend time at work/school. Anything and everything to keep your mind busy and to get you used to him not being around. It will be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just think you already know that this is what you need. You're just trying to find the strength to do it. Take strength from those around you and dive in.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by iliketherain

I'm not really sure why it seems so hard to stop.

There are times when he goes back to being horrible, and I know I should never answer his call again...and then there are other times, like tonight, when he's really nice to me?

Why does he do this? It just really confuses me and makes me feel like he's not so bad.

I wish someone could just force me to stop talking to him.

I just don't know how this is going to end for me...am I completely crazy for continuing to talk to him? And is he completely crazy for going back-and-forth between being so nice to me and then so mean?

The cycling between really mean and really nice is more of that abuser-101 behavior. They act "really nice" in order to lure you in initially-- and then they do just enough of it during the rest of the relationship in order to keep you around so that they can continue to control and abuse you. When they get "in the dog house" they bring back that charm, romance, and niceness in order to make everything up to you (as if a little niceness could ever make up for abuse!) and to make you think that they're REALLY a nice person underneath it all so you'll think YOU are the problem (you did something to set it off) and, really, they're "not so bad." It works really well, doesn't it? I mean, it worked on me for 5 years! But that niceness is NOT REAL. The niceness is FORCED. Because, as I'm sure you've noticed, IT DOESN'T LAST. The meanness is what comes out when you really get to know them. When they react without thinking, they react meanly. When no one else is around, when they're alone with you and they don't have to "pretend" in front of others, then you see the worst of their meanness. That is what they're like when they're not put on a show.

As for wishing that someone could force you to stop talking to him... well, you could ask for that! You could tell your current boyfriend that your ex is harassing you and that you don't want to talk to him. (That won't make you sound bad; it'll make you sound GOOD that you're telling your current BF about the ex and saying you DON'T want to be in contact with him). Then, you can ask your new boyfriend to help you refrain from having contact with old boyfriend. Or, if you don't want to ask new boyfriend for help, you could ask a friend or family member to help you. Everytime you WANT to talk to him, you could ask that someone to stop you and say "no you don't! you told me to make sure you don't contact him! no!" You could also delete his number from your phone, block his number, block him on facebook, block him on twitter, block him from e-mail. If you do all of these things, how can he contact you? That is what I did with my ex. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. Out of sight and out of mind is the easiest way to get rid of someone!

[Nefertari Vivi]

Hello, I will try to assist you with some support. I would not get back together with them and it is the other way around I feel; it seems like you will have regrets for the rest of your life if you get back together with that person. I would not continue to communicate with them and they themselves may be going through their own problems, which may have even caused them to treat you the way they did in the past.

In order to get out of the situation, I recommend removing all contact and ignore them completely. Then I recommend working on finding someone that can be a positive aspect of your life, although I know it would be very difficult to accomplish this, but good luck.

[angyl_amal]

I know a lot of the main points have been brought up already, but as someone that has been abused before, I wanted to pipe up.
As the others have said habibti, you need to get away from this guy, pronto! It's understandable that you still have a connection with him; you trusted him and he's using that against you. It's a classic case of domestic violence - he acts all sweet and caring now and then, turns into a monster for no apparent reason and blames it on you, and the girl doesn't leave because she's sure that she can make him change or he'll change on his own to be rid of the abusive behavior. Fact is, and I'm sure by now you feel this in yourself already, he is never going to change. In fact, if you were to take him back, then the second you're alone with him, it's going to be so much worse than it's been with him in the past.
Your ex is wrong in saying that no other man will want to stay with you forever. You have someone new now, and that in itself is proof that others like to be with you.
As for getting rid of the creep, do as the others have said; tell your boyfriend, your family, your friends, heck, get a restraining order if he doesn't back off! Block every phone number, email, etc. and change all of your passwords, change accounts and numbers if you have to. If you feel you can't do it yourself and you need a little push, have someone with you when you do it to help you do it, or even have them do it for you. And as was already mentioned, do not go out alone!
He's very deep in your head, has had plenty of time to get that far, and knows how to use it against you. For your own safety, please get away from him! You can do this, we're here for you, as are your friends and family. Best of luck!

[bellaluvluv]

Hello thank you for being so honest and sharing your relationship issues.

That relationship that you were in was very toxic and you do not deserve that. You deserve someone who is going to treat you like the way you should. He messed with your self esteem and your self worth to make you feel that you do not deserve better. I feel that you need to let him go and realize that you are a good person and recognize those good qualities that you have. If you get back with him then you will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not get back with him it will be the best decision that you had ever made. Im sure even though he was a jerk to you, you can still remember the good times and he may tell you he is going to change but those are just comments to get you back he will not change. My advice to you is get him out of your life and work on you self esteem to know what type of man you deserve in your life also to know what a wonderful person you are.