[saddaddy12]

My wife has always yelled at our daughter. I can remember year's ago when one of my friends asked "why is your wife yelling at the baby" when she was about 3 years old. Now that my daughter is 17 she is dishing it right back to her. My wife if flabergasted, but my daughter is simply giving the my wife the exact same thing that she has been teaching her for the last 17 years. Now there has been a fight (started over a missing hair brush) and some deeper, more hurtful words were exchanged. My wife says she's done with her and hasn't talked to here in over 2 weeks. Just lovely. Hey, and our daughter is a saint compared to 99% of the rest of the the 16 to 18 year old's in this world. No drugs, no alcohol, active in church, 3.5 gpa, sweet as pie, works out and has great friends. I guess I just don't understand why my wife is acting so emotionally immature. I don't dare bring it up or its WWIII. It would start with a scowl, and escalate from there. She has brought similar situations up with me, and I have told her, "she's just communicating with you, the same way you have always communicated with her." A 17 year old girl going into her Senior year in a couple of weeks needs her mother's support, not her mother's cold shoulder.

[unaluna]

you might want to get them into mother-daughter counseling, just so your daughter doesn't carry this communication pattern into her future family? not to mention, as you say, this and the next few years are crucial to your d's life and happiness.

((((Sad)))) bless your heart. As the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I could only wish / dream now that my father thought that highly of me enough to insist T.

The abuse from my mother and absence of action by my father scarred me deeply and resulted in poor self esteem in many areas of my life which lead me to where I am today.

If your W refuses, you have a bigger problem than you thought. Your wife is the adult and parent. It is her duty and responsibility. Otherwise, she is certainly setting your beautiful daughter up for major failure and psychological damage.

Thank you so much for caring so much as to be proactive. This could change your daughter's life just knowing her Dad loves her and cares enough to do something about it...and her Mom cares enough to give it a go.

xx Rose

[lynn P.]

Hi and welcome to PC - I agree your wife, daughter and you would benefit with some family counseling. Its wrong for a parent to yell at a child and you're right it just teaches the child to do the same or it can ends up crushing their self esteem. I bet she rules you too and its not fair for everyone to let her control them. You need to be more assertive and set down some rules. Many people don't know how to fight fairly and I often give this link out. The rules have to be followed by both and that may be a challenge since your wife is stubborn / immature. She needs to change her ways, otherwise your daughter may end up not seeing her mother when she's older or raise her own kids the same way. Here's the link and they're good for everyone:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd/2...relationships/

[Perna]

It's hard to know about their relationship from the outside, what started it with your wife yelling at a 3 year old and what is going on now with the hairbrush incident. It is too bad you and her friends did not intervene and get help for your wife's problems when your daughter was 3; I don't think this can be turned around in a couple weeks.

What you see in your daughter may not be the whole story; my stepmother and I had similar difficulties (I got her when I was 5) and my father would occasionally step in on my side but I was not all sweetness and light, as I appeared.

If I were in your shoes at this time, I would ask your wife if there was anything you could do to help, that you hate to see her so unhappy/upset and your daughter without her mother at this time. Rather than being for/against one or the other, see if you can support the "peace" and bring them together?

It is unfortunate that the argument happened at this time but don't get sucked into attributing how you think your daughter thinks and feels about going into senior year to how your daughter actually feels; she may not be thinking of it the same way you do. Talk to the two of them and get them to talk together, etc.

((((Perna)))), dear, perhaps i misread or misunderstood your post...i hope you did not take my post as suggesting a father take sides against his wife to "save" their daughter.

I believe a married couple is a team and should always stand united, no matter what, in front of the children.

However, i also believe that if one parent is witnessing a blatant wrong-doing, even if it perceived, it is the responsibility as a parent to intervene. To ensure their child has the best chance for as bright a future as possible.

If the spouse is unwilling - either one - they are just setting their child up for failure. It is our jobs as parents to recognize our children as NOT clones of ourselves, love who they are, accept their differences and help to set them up for success based on that criteria.

Whether the kid is truly being an "angel" or not. Parents are the grown-ups and are still responsible. Whatever the circumstances.

Hugs,
Rose

Sad dad

This is horrible to read about, makes me sad too. I can understand your frustration, esp when your wife wont talk about it or listen to reason.

I do not speak to either of my parents as of this year. I had a great relationship with my Mum all my life, until I fell out with my dad. My dad is my dad, and I cant change his ways towards me and my 3 brothers, and he too refused to speak about a big fight we had, other than appoint blame on me, and wouldnt discuss why he said the hurtful, nasty things he said to me. I just wanted to sort it out and move forward, and he just refused. But what hurt the most was my mother turned against me, when I had done nothing wrong, and now I dont speak to either of them. I expected it from my father as I'd had his bullying, dissaproval and his shouting all my life, but my Mum had always been the more sensible, emotionally even parent.

I dont believe in a married couple always standing united (sorry Rose!) because it hurts when you lose both parents. I know if any kid of mine fell out with my hubby I would insist on having my own relationship with the kid. You cant really do much other than be there for both parties. You can suggest therapy, sure, but I suspect your wife wouldnt be liking this idea. I would however, gently encourage them to talk, and to let both people know that you love them both. I wish my mother had done that for me. I hope that your wife will see sense before the resentment builds up so much that is harder to sort out in the end.

[saddaddy12]

Thank you all for your thoughful insight into "our" situation. I understand now that we all have to be committed to each other realize some healing. I especially like the idea of me approaching both of them and asking what I can do to help ease the tension and open up some communication. My fear is that my wife will immediately point the finger at our daughter, demanding more respect, and completely disregard my good intensions. There was also a comment about previous counceling, and that, we have done. Even at it's calmist, in her eyes it became "all against her."

Without getting into it, I was abused as a child. That being said, I have never understood why, or how a person can have the most threatening and rude behavior towards an individual in their immediate family, a person with whom you (should) love and appreciate, and never with the people they actually claim to have issues with. Kinda backwards. Please, if anyone else would like to share or comment, please do. Thanks

((((riot)))) sorry dear if i wasnt clear, what i wrote was ...." are a team...united in front of the children".

Meaning dad should definitely have a talk / convo with mom in private to work out an arrangement. That way mom will not feel picked on in front of the kids. (Since the way she is behaving does sound very childish) IMHO, a married couple should never discuss big issues or fight in front of their kids. Ever.

But as a adult, mom must understand it is her responsibility to take that step for her child...plus, she will know exactly where dad stands in all of this.

If she refuses, hopefully, not for long with mom if he knows she is destroying any chance for a healthy, happy daughter.

And the child isnt put in the middle...what if daughter knows and mom refuses and dad stays with mom knowing even though mom refused T and continued to be selfish and horrible to daughter, dad still stayed with her how incredibly sad for daughter...

*I am so sorry about your situation. I know how much it hurts when a parent obviously chooses other family members over another. It hurts like hell. It happened to me, too

That is why i say i wish my dad had the b*))$ to insist many years ago to my horrible mother to start acting like a responsible grown up and parent instead of a petty, selfish B, and get some help...for all of us xx

[Leed]

Your wife has a problem, and I don't think it's your daughter. Something else is going on. Do you have other children or is this daughter the only one?

Did your wife want to get pregnant when she did? Does she resent this daughter for some reason?

Seems to me that if she's been yelling at this poor child since she was 3 (or perhaps even younger!) that she resents her for something!! You'd better find out why or else this poor child is going to have a lifetime of yelling-screaming from her mother, and she doesn't deserve that.

Mom needs a therapist in my book. I don't think daughter has a problem at all. She seems pretty sane to me. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee