[LostAngel0616]

I've been with my girlfriend for two years (lesbian relationship). The last 9 months has been pretty rocky, and I've hit rock bottom, emotionally, several times in that time span. Now I feel like I'm gaining a lot of confidence in myself and I have full confidence that I would be able to make it living alone, but I'm also having a harder time seeing the future with my girlfriend that we had been planning. I was 17 when I got with her, but I feel like I've changed so much... We just seem to want such different things now. And I'm having a hard time truely being myself around her because it seems like it causes a lot of fights. I do love her, and I want to give her everything she deserves out of life. But at the same time, I know I need to take myself into consideration somewhat. She's 42, and wanting to settle down, and its not that I want to go be wild or anything, but I'm just not sure what I want for my future yet. I'm wanting to live more in the moment. I guess I'm just looking for some outside advice...

[Scotty204]

It sounds like the age gap is a factor here. One thing I do know is if you can't be yourself around your partner then that's never a good thing take it from me. If you cannot be yourself it will eventually cause resentment

[Lost321]

I agree with Scotty here that age gap is a factor. At 19 (right?) You should be still figuring out who you are and you should be able to be yourself freely to figure out exactly who you want to be.

[KathyM]

Hi LA

My advice would be for you to continue working on yourself and moving on with your life. The age difference seems significant to me. I didn't truly know myself and what I wanted out of life until the age of 30. You've already been through some changes, and it's my guess you'll go through some more over the years. I don't think you've lived enough life or experienced enough love to be in a position to settle down. Unless your love for her is VERY strong, it seems unfair for you to give up on your own goals in life. Imagine your life together 20 years from now. If she becomes permanently disabled, would you be willing to devote all your love, care, and time to care for her needs?

Good luck, and I wish for you the best.

L.Angel

I've read a few of your posts and you always seem to be wanting to do the right thing by others - you're kind like that! But how about doing the right thing by you? You've said before that your G/F said that to you that you no longer make her happy, and if you are fighting a lot it doesnt seem much fun for you either. Its really not good that you cant be yourself, and surely resentment will build up in time? I am a firm believer that sometimes loving each other isnt enough.
If you think you can work it out, and want to work it out, then I wish you all the best, but if deep inside you dont think you can then you should go and live your life the way you want to, or go out and explore life a bit. We only get one go at life and we should try our best to be happy.

Oh, and 19 years old is a fab age - I loved being that age, was so much fun exploring the world and possibilities. I dont think I would ever had been able to settle down so young and personally speaking, I am glad I never did. I am 40 now and only just starting to settle!!

[LostAngel0616]

Looking at it right now, I basicly have a choice between staying with her and feeling guilty for all different things I do for the rest of my life, or feeling guilty for leaving her. And, with the last one, there's a chance of moving on... I just don't know if I can get through the breakup...

[Confusedinomicon]

You're very young and time will allow you to move on. Life doesn't stop when you leave a relationship. The best way to get over it is to stop contact with the ex and go through the motions. You'll feel really sad and depressed for a while, but it will be worth it in the end when you feel more confident within yourself. If you're able to find love once, you'll most likely be able to find it again. There should be LGBTQ groups where you can meet and mingle people who are around your age. If you are attending community college or live near a university most have a PRIDE alliance office. They are a very very good resource for college students. Don't be afraid to find and connect with people who support your lifestyle. Don't be afraid of being a part of that community. Even if you can't attend college right now, they would be more than willing to help you get into the system.

Relationships shouldn't make you feel guilty. I've been in a relationship for nearly 5 years and the only time I felt guilty was when I was unstable because I knew I caused him pain. We've worked on the relationship and we're going in the same direction. When I started getting better I didn't feel bad because I wasn't putting him in pain all the time.

[LostAngel0616]

The actual act of separating is what I'm fearing I think... I just don't know if I can get through that... I need to get some things straightened out first...

[Confusedinomicon]

I would start networking outside of the relationship to make some friends and look for arrangements to move. Maybe you cannot leave now, but you can prepare for the separation.

[Freefall1974]

Hey Lost Angel. The fear of the unknown is always going to be there. There is no rush to make the decision, so just breath and think things through. The age difference is critical. You 2 are in different places in life, just as anyone in those age groups would be. Compare it to people your mom's age (SORRY). She probably ( hopefully) doesn't run around with 19 year olds. The common interest, the energy levels, the body types, the intimacy...it ALL changes. It is the way life works. I have had lots of GF's and each time it was all great until it wasn't and then there is the drama of breaking up ( maybe it is a gay thing? ). What a mess. Now at 50 years old, out of relationship for 2 years, not dating, in therapy, all is well...today. I cannot imagine dating anyone under 45 or so. I am a young 50- I have always worked out, stayed thin, don't smoke, rare alcohol, But I don't have enough in common with people alot younger than me to have an INTIMATE long term relationship. Maybe I am too mature, or too immmature or vice-versa. But something is off. Good luck with this. Your life is just beginning!!!!

[LostAngel0616]

Its done. Its over. I just left the house. Its 1 am, and I don't really have anyone to call so that I can go and get the rest of my things in the morning. I'm just looking for a place to sleep for tonight... I don't have much money, just 5 bucks. Right now I'm just looking for a bench or something. I don't get paid again until next wednesday... I just thought I'd have more time to save and find a place to live. I don't want to lose my job.... I just dont know what to do now.

Crikey, you dont do things by halves! How are you? Be safe out there please... have you a friends sofa you can crash on for a while? Is there any shelter charities where you are at least? Do you have a car you could sleep in? I hate the thought of you sleeping outside.. Would your ex not let you stay there until you are sorted with somewhere new?
Please take good care, am quite worried now. x

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Crikey, you dont do things by halves! How are you? Be safe out there please... have you a friends sofa you can crash on for a while? Is there any shelter charities where you are at least? Do you have a car you could sleep in? I hate the thought of you sleeping outside.. Would your ex not let you stay there until you are sorted with somewhere new?
Please take good care, am quite worried now. x

I actually instinctivly came up to my work and the kid working midnights let me crash in his car until he got off work. So no worries. And its not that she wouldn't let me, I just couldn't be in the house any longer. Things were getting hateful and I couldn't take it...

[Confusedinomicon]

((HUG)) Is there anywhere you can stay? Do you have any friends?

Keep us updated LA.

[LostAngel0616]

I can go to my grandmas house for tonight, but I really need to stay in the vicinity of my work and she is pretty far away. I'm going to start looking for a room to rent or something, but now my ex is threatening to screw things up aat my job...

Hell hath no fury etc huh? Am sorry to read that. I hope things calm down and that your job stays. Really pleased that you stayed in a car, at least you could lock the door. Hope all goes well at your grandma's. Are your parents around at all?

Best of luck, be rooting for you x

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Hell hath no fury etc huh? Am sorry to read that. I hope things calm down and that your job stays. Really pleased that you stayed in a car, at least you could lock the door. Hope all goes well at your grandma's. Are your parents around at all?

Best of luck, be rooting for you x

No, my father was never in the picture and I don't speak to my mother any more. But my girlfriend talked me into coming back. I'm gonna give it until September and see if things settle down and get better. I'm already a little pissed right now cause apparently she changed her Facebook status to single and then her ex decided to start texting and calling her. -_-

Good luck LA, I hope you guys manage to work it out :-)

Hey LA, you are very brave and mature for your age! I have to agree with everyone the age gap is very significant. There was ten years between my girlfriend and I and sometimes it felt like she was ten years younger with all the games and the drama. It sounds to me like you are both growing apart and doing your own things. Have you discussed this with her? Maybe she feels the seperation, I know most lesbian relationships are very intense and this usually pushes women apart...maybe she is scared of losing you because you are so much younger and its her fear and insecurities that are causing the fights because you are just being you- which you shouldn't feel guilty about. You are being honest and wanting to grow. I applaud you and your courage

Sorry LA, I just read the second page and seen you broke up. I hope you are ok?

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by button30

Sorry LA, I just read the second page and seen you broke up. I hope you are ok?

Yes, I am okay. We are back together, and we did talk about things. She has had a lot of stress going on that I didn't know was affecting her so deeply. The reason that I'm giving it until the end of September is because she says that after today, the majority of that stress will be gone. So if the next two months go well, I will know that is true. Its not that I think she is lying; I could see the stress, I just didn't know it was affecting her so harshly. So now that I have a job, and after her daughter gets back to school, things should get back to normal. I can't see any reason they wouldn't. I do love her. And I am willing to give it that time. I'm going through therapy to help with my people skills, so that should also help a lot, too. Thank you all for the concern, it really means so much to me.

Thats great news LA, glad you are happy and safe! Just remember to look after you.