[queen_of_hearts]

how do you love somebody with all of your heart but know that they'll never change, and that you're better off without them? how are you supposed to make that decision?!
has anyone had to leave the person they love because they didnt respect you or because they were bad for you? how did you get through it? how are you now?

[Perna]

The feeling of love is like any other feeling; it's purpose is to get you physically closer to a person and "hold" you there long enough for you to use your head and other emotions to check out if you want to be with this person and, if you decide you do, it then grows to more than just a feeling.

Use your other feelings and tools to cancel out the "love" attraction. You can mobilize your anger, self-esteem, interest in or focus on other things in your life. You should not have time/interest/need to stay attracted to someone who is not attracted to you.

I made the decision just a few weeks ago to walk away from my parents. I am 40 now, and have struggled with my father for a long time, he's a bully and always disapproving no matter what choices I made. I know its not the same as a partner that I guess you are talking about but a bad relationship it is still.
Although it was a difficult choice to keep away, it felt after a few days that a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My parents, including my mother for the last few years, had done nothing but put me down, speak over me, dig at my personality and although nothing was massive per se, the accumulative effect meant I thought of them every day and always felt bad about myself. They chip chipped away at me over the years. The last three years I started to stick up for myself, and this was met with even more negativity from them.

It IS hard, but at the moment is the right thing for me. I do feel sad that we dont have a relationship, and will feel sad for ever more, but I only have one life, and its up to me to make it as nice, positive and as fun as possible - these things my parents tried to take away from me.

I wish you all the best with your decision, I hope you do right by you
x

((((QOH)))) I am sorry you are strugging and in pain...breaking up with someone is very difficult. Especially someone that you've known for a time and that you love. I don't exactly see it as "giving up" though. More like "standing up for yourself".

You are quite wise to understand that in relationships, you cannot change anyone (but yourself), and you also know what your non-negotiables are (in this case, lack of respect and bad influence).

So, I believe you already have the answer to your own question regarding making a decision (sorry)

How long have you been together? Is the other person prone to meltdowns or violence? How does he participate / respond during serious conversations? Do you feel you need someone else present (or in the vicinity) to protect you in terms of your safety or well-being? Once you have answered these questions...then you can commence with the actual break-up.

In the end, you go through stages of grief after the break-up. So, surround yourself with friends, family, create a good support system.

Also, if this person is quite significant to you (which it seems to be the case), it wouldn't hurt to speak with a T.

I hope this helps a little.

Hugs, Rose

[queen_of_hearts]

i gave up my entire family in order to meet my real dad and be with the guy i fell in love with. (they didnt approve of either) so i had to make a choice. i moved out 3 days after my 18th birthday, and havent talked to a single person in my family since then. i just turned 20 on the 20th. its been very hard, knowing i abandoned the woman who gave birth to me.. but it was the right decision for me at the time. now, my fiance and i are splitting up, which leaves having no one. that's why im finding it so hard to make the decision i need to make.
im sorry about your situation, i know that you have to do whats right for you. but whats right for you now, might not be whats right for you later.

Originally Posted by queen_of_hearts

i gave up my entire family in order to meet my real dad and be with the guy i fell in love with. (they didnt approve of either) so i had to make a choice. i moved out 3 days after my 18th birthday, and havent talked to a single person in my family since then. i just turned 20 on the 20th. its been very hard, knowing i abandoned the woman who gave birth to me.. but it was the right decision for me at the time. now, my fiance and i are splitting up, which leaves having no one. that's why im finding it so hard to make the decision i need to make.
im sorry about your situation, i know that you have to do whats right for you. but whats right for you now, might not be whats right for you later.

No matter what your age or circumstance, never ever stay in a relationship because you feel as if you have "nobody" else.

You have yourself - and that is plenty. Whatever number we are.

Give yourself and others credit for doing the right thing against the odds. You have a backbone, and you stood up for what you thought was right. And you continue to do so.

I have said this with conviction since I was of dating age, "I would rather be alone and happy, than be with someone and be unhappy / miserable." (I watched too many people suffering).

I am sorry you have to make another difficult / live-altering decision at such a young age. It's hard to not have family. Many of us can relate

[queen_of_hearts]

i guess this is the hardest step, which means it only gets better right?

[missbelle]

You just know when its time that's all. You finally have decided enough is enough and you can never be with that person. It is a totally individual choice. I found myself that I always stayed too long and should have gotten out sooner....but the timing was wrong and when I did leave I was convinced I was doing the right thing and that I had done everything possible to make the relationship work. I left feeling no guilt!

Queen - I dont suppose you'd have given up your whole family had they supported you with your fella and real dad? I also think you were very strong to do that and as Rose said, you have backbone. Those are awesome qualities and am sure they will serve you well in your next stage of life.

I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide.

x

[runswithscissors42]

I tried to consider myself fortunate enough to have experienced something beautiful. Then I imagained it flying away like a butterfly, sharing its beauty with others. Delicate, fragile, not intended to last, but nonetheless memorable and remarkable for the good things it brought into my life.

Living is comprised of one moment after another. We can choose to view the big picture, then move on to the next place we will be in life, or we can choose to be lost in a sad moment that prevents us from living as well as we otherwise might.

Shaking off the sadness may be easier said than done, but trying to see and get to what lies beyond that sadness makes the motion of putting one foot in front of the other less heavy. We need to let that happen, or make it happen. You could start by going through the motions of doing things that are good for you.

[shezbut]

Hi Queen,

I had a different experience with this type of situation ~ thankfully.

As a late teenager, I was involved with a guy who would become a BIT too angry. He'd flip out on little things I'd said or done. I'd close up and become quiet and then he would spend money on me, giving me things, to try to buy me back - I assume.

The relationship moved quickly. But, he scared me. His reactions were much too intense, and I knew that he wasn't going to change. He'd just try to buy me off with gifts, or taking me places. That just was not worth it in any way. So, I broke up with him.

I focused on his negative qualities to make this change easier for me ~ as I seriously resist being alone, whether or not the guy is a loser! The negatives fresh in my mind is all that I ever needed to refer to when I felt lonely.

Perhaps you could try that technique? Gentle hugs to you.

[MercurySchupultz]

I left someone i dated on and off for 4 years. We were engaged and had so many plans set up and in the making including the wedding. It was hard to ignore those points about our relationship because it was something that we both wanted so badly.

We had a fight and sat back and asked ourselves, does this person bring out the best in me? the answer was that we brought the worst out in eachother. She would not hear it and said we could work on it. We tried but still horrible things that happened only in our "loving relationship" continued to happen even though we both said we would change for the better.

There will come a time when you realize that no matter how much you love that person, the changes that need to happen in both your lives wont happen unless you are apart. It sounds like you are at that point.

You may have to fight to escape the gravitational pull of your toxic relationship, but remember that you have to have your own best interests in mind if your significant other does not.

[Harley47]

I recently ended things with my girlfriend...been about a month now. I decided to at last acknowledge the fact that there was infidelity in the relationship, and quit making excuses for her over and over again to keep myself in denial. It's almost incredible to think about, in retrospect. It becomes so, so easy to refuse to believe what is literally shoved in your face time and time again.

To answer the question? I don't know. I think it's a matter of time. For myself, there's the constant mental swinging between wanting her back desperately, the will and knowledge that I made the right choice, and the anger and sorrow of betrayal. The latter, I think, feeds the 2nd option rather often. It's gotten better as time has gone on, and the anger is dissipating into a type of grim knowledge and acceptance. Bitter knowledge is knowledge nonetheless, no?

Now...granted, I DID just yesterday put an AK magazine through the Christmas present I was going to give her when I went shooting with my best friend, but I like to think that the cost of the present was roughly the cost of a new target and gas, and that I was being economical.

Joking aside, the key, I think, to love is to fall in love with who someone is, not what you think they are or what you want them to be. That, of course, is the tricky part.

Take care, and know I'm praying for you.

[Jannaku]

It's very easy to "love" someone and not like their behaviour. As you are considering breaking up you will go through many phases of self doubt and fear which will make you want to cling on to what you have and know rather than make the break even though you know you are not happy with what you have. I think your decision has been made but you are having difficulty executing it. It will require you to be confident and strong and courageous. If you honestly are unhappy in your relationship don't make the mistake of staying in a dysfunctional relationship at the expense of your own true happiness. Be strong and honest to yourself. Time to build bridges with your family as well as this is not good for you or them.