Should I just let him live without me complicating his life? It seems like the humane thing to do.
He gives me total monetary support because I'm unable to find a job & college hasn't panned out yet. He constantly supports my anger/mood swings, as irrational as they always are, & barely gets time to speak his own mind. I'm overbearing, overwhelming, & yet growing more distant by the second. He never starts a fight or complains, it's always me. And I never let up until I win, but then I look at the wreckage I created & realise that it was retarded to begin with.
Truthfully, I am the only problem in our relationship & I don't know if I am ready to fix myself or not. There doesn't really seem to be much of a point. It doesn't fix anything that already happened & I don't know if I've done irreparable damage yet. He already sees me with the same fear that he saw his ex with. That's probably the worst part -- I'm no better than that woman who drove him to attempt suicide.
Anyone's advice, or even just proof that you were listening, is much appreciated. I just don't know what to think.

[shezbut]

(((Shayatanica))

I know that you're kind of stuck on self-blame and self-hate. I can really relate to that, btw. But, you do need to remind yourself that it does take two to tango.

For whatever reason/s, your bf is willing to put up with your emotional outbursts. It's a shame that your emotions are so intense and feel uncontrollable for you now, but that doesn't mean that you will always be this way. Hopefully, you'll discover some helpful, healthy coping techniques. And perhaps you and your bf will be able to build a healthy relationship ~ rather than some seemingly co-dependent one ~ and you'll continue to grow together.

My point is, try to not focus on the negatives in yourself. Get help from a T, to help you work through your emotional baggage, and recommend that your bf does the same thing (for his own health and sanity). Try not to give up. Instead, devote yourself to getting better & doing the best that you can do.

[brokenandalone1234]

I am in the same boat. I have an ex who left me because I was so unbearable to deal with. I loved him but I didn't really know how to treat him. I called him every name under the sun. I took advantage of him. I made him do everything for me. What I am getting at is you have to decide how deep your love for him is. If you decide that you love him to death. Make the change. If he is your first love don't let him slip away like I did mine. You will regret for the rest your life. I know I do.

[dailyhealing]

I agree with what Shez said, it sounds like you are maybe placing more blame and hate upon yourself than is necessary. I think your thinking may be a bit skewed, and I think this because it sounds like my own thoughts when I'm not thinking right. When in my bad space I really feel that people and the world would be better off without me. It's not accurate for me, and I'm guessing it's not accurate for you.

Your boyfriend obviously cares about you and wants to be with you. It sounds like if he has had a suicide attempt in his past he has his own issues going on also. It's hard to be in a relationship when both people are struggling through their own issues...

You say you don't know whether you are ready to fix yourself or not, I guess that seems like the real question. I don't know if you see a T or what your story is there. But I think the best way to fight those bad thoughts and work through things is through therapy. The fact that you posted here makes me think you want to get better and that you want help. Thanks for posting here and I hope to hear more about how you are doing. Take care.

Shezbut: It's not self-blame... It's accountibility. And probably the only time I can ever recall feeling it. Usually I'm right about everything. I always choose the correct reaction, the correct response, the correct mode of action. And he's not the first boyfriend I've driven insane. I've already done enough harm & I don't want to further demoralise him/get closer to losing him by implying he CHOSE this. He had no idea what he was in for until he already fell in love with me.
We were in a healthy relationship for nearly a year & then something happened... I have no idea what. I just snapped for no reason & it's been downhill from there. I'm distant & dependent & it's sickening.
I'll be seeing a therapist eventually. My suspicion is that it's the lack of baggage that is making me be such an awful person, but I don't know how to resist it. I want him to see one, myself... He has to have some sort of esteem issues by this point.

Broken: I suppose I must love him enough if I haven't just left him. Or maybe that's just pathological attachment. I don't even know the difference. But I should work on everything anyway because I am tired of this guilt ********! Hahah

Dailyhealing: I've never said anything even remotely like this ever in my life... It's been a gradual build-up of situations in which the blame is upon no one but myself. Once it's become a pattern, it's hard to avoid one's own responsibility in the matter. I may do nice things sometimes, but I am by no means a nice person. And it's now proving disastrous to the only person I really seem to care for.
He was with a narcissist who, essentially, did the same **** I'm doing to him but to a much greater extent & for a much longer span of time. This is all relatively recent (3 months of build-up?). Other than his work-related anxiety, there's not much going on with him... And isn't everyone stressed because of work?
I'm going to see a therapist for my other issues, but IDK. I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet & bring this up because it's not like I have another option. No friends or family, so this is the only place I have to live... Not that it's the only reason I'm contemplating it, but it's one of the bigger ones. I mainly posted because I wanted to see if anyone else has been where I am & how they cope with being an irrefutable & psychotic asshole to the people they love.

[Perna]

You should take the "cheerful" and "resilient" aspects of your handwriting analysis more to heart? Did he get his done? If you are prone to be a loner/only believe yourself and go your own way, etc., I'd counter-act that if I could; try to lean myself in the other direction, let the other person have a say about their own "fate"?

o__o

Sorry. Your comment makes little to no sense in the context of the string of conversation, but it's eerily relevant in my personal life that I've not discussed online. So forgive me for being totally weirded out... I just downloaded a graphology course maybe within the last two days. And LMAO I definitely have all of the traits you discussed in my writing style. Independent, assertive, loner, resilient, but somewhat optimistic... ****ing spooky. Forgive me, hahaha.

[RomanSunburn]

Shayatanica,

I could have written your first post. In fact, I probably have. I have had many, many discussions with my husband about him leaving me for his own good. He has told me numerous times that that is HIS decision, and I can't make it for him. And he loves me and cares about me and isn't going anywhere. Furthermore, my mental health issues are no longer my own. They are OUR problems to work on together. I think that's especially true since he married me all of... 2 months ago... He has been my strongest support to get better.

I am currently seeing a T and working through a lot of my issues. I don't know if it's the T or just where I am in life, but for some reason, I seem to making more progress than I've ever made before.. It's like I finally truly want to get better and now can actually work towards getting better. Even though I was in therapy before and said I wanted to get better... something was always holding me back from fully letting go and letting the changes happen. I don't know what switched in me, but it did, and I'm starting to make real improvements, even with the way I treat my husband. Because, truly, I love him, want to be with him, care for him, and above all treat him the way he deserves, needs, and wants to be treated by the woman he loves. So I definitely urge you to go to a therapist, or even group therapy (I"m doing both right now), but if your not into making changes, they'll be slow coming. Perhaps thats something you can talk to your T about though -- the fear of change, even if it's for something better. There could be underlying factors, maybe you fear a loss of control or maybe it's something to protect yourself from getting to close to your boyfriend. If you keep a shield up, you can say "that's why he left!" whereas if you change, and he ends up leaving for any reason at all, you have nothing left to blame but yourself in a more concentrated way than your behavior which you could have changed... (I hope that made sense...).

Anyways, I just wanted to say, yes, I've been there. Yes, I'm still there. And no, you are not alone.

[Puffyprue]

imho if you really love him, stay and works thing out

i was like you and i walked away i thought iam doing his a favor but he hated me for that, its been a years and theres still part of me that still wish that i could go back and instead of leaving i wish iam stay...but ...

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

o__o

Sorry. Your comment makes little to no sense in the context of the string of conversation, but it's eerily relevant in my personal life that I've not discussed online. So forgive me for being totally weirded out... I just downloaded a graphology course maybe within the last two days. And LMAO I definitely have all of the traits you discussed in my writing style. Independent, assertive, loner, resilient, but somewhat optimistic... ****ing spooky. Forgive me, hahaha.

Yes, I read your blog, whose link you posted in your profile You didn't want me to pay attention to the whole you?

Hahahah I overlooked that!! Forgot I even posted it in there! XD

Thank you puffyprue & RomanSunburn. Your responses were both quite insightful.