5 years in a relationship, 3 years since ending it. How come he hasn't moved on?

I'm starting to really like Tony. We've been dating for 3 months now and so far things have been going great. We've been open and comfortable talking about our previous broken relationships before and how it had left a scar on us. He was once in a relationship for 5 years where it was very abusive. Its been 3 years since they've broken up and having no contact with one another.

As Tony and I are spending time and getting to know one another, we're starting to really want to make the next move and have a exclusive relationship. Just a few days ago Tony and had our first kiss and it got a little overly physically excited but we didn't have sex of any sort.

What disappointed me was right after he talked about his ex, 5 mins later we were still laying in bed. How she ruined his life, tried to frame him to getting her pregnant, how much he doesn't want her in his life anymore, how crazy and physically abusive she was.

It really ruined the sweet moment I had with him, being vulnerable and enjoying our time together. He's asked me about 5 different times for us to become a couple but I always said 'no' lets date a little longer. He asked me again after making out and I said no. I said that I don't want him to punish me for something that she put him through. I also said that I'm not feeling all that great with myself, after being affectionate with him and he's already talking about his ex.

What am I to do? Am I being too hard on the guy? Do you think he's still hurting or even missing his ex?

Jenn1fer82,

I don't blame you for being a little cautious. I would be too! It does sound as though your date is certainly resentful towards his ex, which makes me worry that would be transferred towards you (if you were to become monogamous with one another).

While I can understand his level of comfort in sharing his true feelings with you (that's good!) ~ I do worry, as he has yet to take responsibility for things that he did wrong in his previous relationship. None of us are completely innocent and error-free. We are human. If he's still unwilling and unable to accept mistakes that he made in the previous relationship, that isn't real healthy.

Hope that helps you a bit ~ best wishes to you!

Hi Jenn1fer82 - it sounds as though your date is struggling to overcome some complicated feelings he still harbors towards his ex. It wasn't exactly an oppertune time to discuss the matter but perhaps he was trying, in an albeit direct way, to learn more about you and what you feel about the situation. I personally think he should have kept some of these thoughts to himself - as shezbut said, it makes him appear resentful and still very much involved with the past. You are not the person he should be working this through with and whilst im sure you will be there to support him to a degree i think its unfair of him to put so much emphasis on his ex whilst at the same time asking you to commit to a relationship with him. It could be argued that maybe he isn't quite over the whole situation and needs to take some time to work on himself before he enters another relationship. I would state outright to him that you're sorry for what happened between him and his previous girlfriend but that you've got all the details you need and instead want to focus on you and him. If that doesn't give him the hint its unlikely anything else will...

I agree with bb's advice that you should tell him directly that you don't want to discuss his ex anymore, particularly when you're having quiet time together. It might have been more appropriate as small talk in the car, or while you're both doing housework together, etc.

I disagree with shezbut in that i think people CAN be essentially blameless in an abusive relationship. Not saying that he was perfect in his previous relationship, but that doesn't mean that he contributed to the abuse either.