A glimmer of hope, hope I don't regret it

Anyone who has been following things as they unfold with my husband and I know I have been in my own personal hell. I have been doing marriage T w/ my H and I was not certain things were going to good. He missed the last 3 visits we had together but I went with out him. (He didn't intentionally miss them) It gave me a much needed opportunity to let the T see what was really going on in our marriage. She was concerned about just how close to abusive this relationship is. We talked about my opinion on divorce and how she helps folks to see things more clearly, not that she condones divorce, or encourages it anyway but she was not so sure about this marriage.. With abuse and unwillingness to change and accept responsibility there was huge questions about how to proceed.

One week later we met w/ her again, tonight. She filled my H in on her opinion of divorce and that she didn't want us wasting our money and our time and hers as well. It appeared to her that divorce was a very real option and that if that was something we wanted to steer away from the decision had to be made very soon because we are a couple in crisis and it is not a healthy environment for us or for our kids.

Something remarkable happened, My H was shocked that this is what it came down to. He couldn't believe the reality of what she had just said. He said he wanted to change, he was sorry for the past unhappiness he had caused, his jealousy, his need for perfection and he would try to change things. This gave me a glimmer of hope. I felt like he was genuine in his apology. I think the T thought it was genuine as well. I think my H does want to salvage things.

The T doesn't want him intimidating me. If he has an issue w/ me that needs intimidation we need to call her and get her soonest appointment. She wants us to not point fingers at one another anymore only in her office is that allowed. What ever issues I have w/ him and being afraid to bring up things needs to stop. I can be afraid but it needs to be brought to her attention. (I am afraid to say anything to cause him to be angry w/ me) So if I need money and I know that is a sore subject then I need to wait and bring that up in her office so it will be a safe place to do so. If he does something to hurt my feelings rather then tell him and argue w/ him I should wait and bring that up in her office or if I bring it up after the fact, she has to be aware of what is going on. I cannot go on being afraid of him. I need to learn that it is ok to not agree and give in to everything he wants. He needs to learn how to get his point across in a different way other then fear and intimidation.

We both agreed to do these things and see where this takes us. It scares me to think that I may trust this man again. I want to, I really do but I am afraid of being hurt emotionally again by him. I don't know if I can handle that. I suppose I'll just have to put my faith in the Lord first, and in the T next to keep this intact and to learn to feel and take a the risk of being hurt AGAIN. I'm just afraid to try and to trust. I just need somewhere safe to let that fear out.

Like I said before sweetie, why not try a trial separation until he can get his "stuff" together? He's got a lot of work to do on himself, and why should you be shaking in your boots with him in the house, until he changes? Make him LEAVE temporarily until you SEE some changes in him, and until you can trust him again.

I'm not sure really if I'd ever really and totally be able to trust my husband again, because after therapy is all done, I'd be afraid that slowly he'd get back into his old habits. Those are hard to "unlearn" and being abusive is something he's been taught since he was a youngster. That's normal behavior for him. I'd really be afraid --- but that's your decision.

I wish you only the best in whatever you decide to do. You know I want only what is good for you -- and least I hope you do. God bless sweetie, and my prayers are with you. Big hugs, Lee

((((Mama)))) You are doing such good work. I understand. It is very scary. Just remember you are in control and you are strong and capable. You are a wonderful, intelligent woman with so much to offer. Don't rush...take time for yourself. You dont have to do anything you dont want to do. Focus on you and what is best for the children. One day at a time. Lots of hugs to you Rose

Thanks. I don't like what you have suggested but no one ever said you have to like what everyone says. The truth does hurt and that may well be the only way to strighten this out. From your experience I know you have seen more than me and I can respect that. I know you are trying to help and that may be just what needs to happen. I may need to try a trial sepertion but right now I an not overly fond of the idea of that. I am not angry with you and I respect you opinion very much. I look forward to the knowledge you bring to the subject and I hope this responce didn't come off as nasty because I never ment it that way. I'm hurt, afraid, and unsure on top of tired(it's 12:00 am) and I hope I didn't say anything out of place. Please keep me in your prayers. I would certinly like your continued support.

Rose, Thanks for your encouraging words. I needed that before trying to get some sleep.

I applaud you for your willingness to stick in a miserable situation in the hope that things can get better. Marriage is something that is getting easier and easier to give up on, and that is easy advice for people to give. From following your posts I can feel that this is not the type of person you are. Stay true to what you believe, but do take good care of yourself. It's no good to stay in an unsafe situation because you feel like you have to put up with anything and everything thrown at you. You are the only one who knows if you and your children are truly safe. If you are, and you want to continue to give him a chance, then go with that. I know from experience that much of the advice you will receive is "throw the bum out". But there is obviously a reason you don't want to do that. You are participating in therapy, and sound like you have decent support in that way. I wish you all the best.

(((Big Mama)))

You are certainly in my thoughts. I can imagine what a scary (but kind of exciting) concept this may be for you. I hope that your hub has been shocked enough to seriously change his ways with you and the kids. You all deserve to be treated better than you have been.

Like Lee, I am just very hesitant to believe that your hub will be able to change these deeply imbedded behaviors easily & I worry about the future. Hopefully, you won't need any further protection from your hub in the future! I wish you the very best & hope that the changes made bring you back to a place of comfort and enjoyment with your hub's company.

((((Mama)))) your safety, security and piece of mind for you and the children are the most important thing. I understand what Lee and Shez are referring to and truly believe you will continue to put yourself and your well being first. We care about you bunches and want only for your happiness. Time is on your side, dear friend. You have helped so many people here by sharing your story and by being there for others. You have so much to offer "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul..." (ED)

Thank you all.After a good night sleep my perspective and attitude seem to be much better. I am a hope full person and a person who believes in chances being given. I want to believe things will change, deep down inside it is hard to and I don't think all of me can forget the past. Not for a very long time anyway. We will be continuing w/ the T at least a minimum of 6 months. As more issues arise and I'm sure that they will that time frame could very well be extended. I have more faith in the T now to call it like it is, before I was not certin she would be that way. Thats what I need for her to be my eyes and my heart. The real me not the scared and needy me. Thank you all again for your kind words every one of you Leed, Rose, Cat, and Shez. I feel like I have made true friends for the first time in my life. Thank you for listening.

BigMama ~ Don't worry about hurting my feelings -- you certainly did NOT. I'm not THAT easily hurt. I know you're hesitant to leave for have HIM leave, but I'm just afraid for your safety and what the kids have to witness. Kids shouldn't have to see that kind of behavior cause children LEARN what they LIVE. That's going to be hard to get that out of their little minds. You don't want to 'grow little abusers." It's very possible you will.

Anyway, you have to trust your own judgement and that of your therapist. I wish you the very best. I'm just going by my own experience and that of what my own therapist advised. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thank You Leed. I needed to hear from you and know that I was not to harsh. Both of my kids are in counseling. The damage has been done and things are changing for the better around here. He actually leaves them alone for the most part. He has the average parent/child type of discipline now and they don't see anywhere near as much ugliness from him now. It's not all pretty but it's a huge change. I glad they have there own T's. It is a shame that I have to say my child has/needs a T. But it is a blessing to have the help we need. Lots of folks know now and are looking out for our saftey.

Hey Big Mama. So glad to hear that there is a glimmer of some positive change happening with your H. That's great, however, I am very sceptical. I can't help but think of idioms like "you can't change the spots on a leopard" or "you can't teach and old dog new tricks" in this situation. I hope that your H was sincere in what he said and his apologies and not just paying lip service to the therapist so that he can look good. My H would do that - he would intentionally make sure that I was the one that looked like I had the problem and that he was sooo good and sooo willing to help in anyway he could to help resolve "my" problems. I know I sound very, very cynical but I have become that way over the years after having met and been married to master manipulators and liars. I do hope for your sake though that this therapy and the shock of a possible divorce may be the catalyst for him to realise that all is not as good as he thought and that his behaviour is unacceptable. You will need to see a concerted and persistent effort on his behalf before you will be convinced one way or the other. Only you will be able to judge whether there has been an improvement and whether it is genuine and permanent. Now that he knows the score he better behave as promised or else his words will mean nothing and you will have every right never to trust him again. He can't use the excuse that he didn't realise anymore because that has been pointed out to him in therapy. All the best and hope he means it. Good luck and god bless