How to stay sane living with a narc

My narcissistic husband has this amazing ability to ruffle my feathers every time he opens his mouth. We can hardly have a conversation that doesn't end in us having a fight and mostly over absolutely nothing. Today was a classic example = in the course of our conversation about things he adopted his condesending, authoritarian voice to dominate the conversation and me. I asked him in a nice way to keep his voice down as he cranks up the volume to assert more power over me. Well that was like waving a red flag to a bull and before I knew it I was being verbally assaulted. I left that situation by standing up and telling him that I didn't need to be subjected to that and after 5 minutes he follows me to continue with the verbal lashing. He effectively twisted everything around to make it look like I was at fault and accused me of deliberately starting a fight by asking him to keep his voice down because in his mind that is my way of saying I don't want to listen to what you have to say. I couldn't get two words in after that and was subjected to more crap and eventually he decided to leave the room in an exasperated state (all caused by me remember). After 1 hour or so the verbal rage had stopped but was replaced with a no talky talky sulking behaviour akin to a 2 year old. When I asked him what was wrong? he replied in a condescending, smart mannered way "Wrong .... there's nothing wrong with me. Ask yourself that question" and they were his parting words as he left the house. He upsets me so much I could literally scream with frustration. I feel my face go red, my heart beat faster and it takes a while to get over it. I can't leave this relationship for so many different complicated reasons and for now am forced to live in it. How the hell can I stay sane having to put up with this crap every other day?

Hi Jannaku - no one is ever forced to stay in a relationship but if you intend on staying with this man i would suggest he go into some form of therapy - and quickly - before either of you become any more emotionally drained. It would be ideal if the pair of you could also attend marriage counselling to help work out some of the current problems in your relationship - in short your husband needs to be able to relate better to himself as well as you. If he point black refuses to do either of these things then im not sure what other options are open to you. You shouldn't have to become a door mat and neither can the pair of you carry on the way you are now so something has to give - are there support groups IRL that you could attend? This might be a great outlet for your frustration and they would also be able to give you lots of advice and support. What about the board on here for partners of people with personality disorders - do you find this helpful? In answer to your last question - you won't be able to put up with this crap every other day and if you can't sit down with your husband and hold a proper conversation with him because of his tendency to dominate the whole thing, i would instead write him a letter which explains that you cannot continue in this way and that you want to help improve the situation but he also has to be commited. Hopefully his reaction to this should guide you as to what to do next, all the best.

Oh boy can I relate. If my ex wasn't dead, I'd swear you were married to him!

You don't need to take that kind of abuse, and I'd suggest counseling. I doubt SERIOUSLY that he will go because of course there's "nothing wrong with HIM" (according to him), so go yourself to get your power back! He's taken that from you -- and you need to learn how to retrieve it. Believe it or not, you can get it back, because I went thru therapy and got MINE back, and learned how to handle my abusive husband -- for awhile anyway until I divorced the idiot. LOL

You're not going to be able to take that kiind of abuse for long before your self-esteem is in the toilet. No one can. You can't be brow-beaten and and completely dominated like that without some mental repercussions, so get some counseling and then decide what you're going to do.

I wish you the very best. This guy needs help but I doubt he'll EVER get it. This kind never does because they just don't think they need it. God bless and please take care of YOU. Big hugs, Lee

Leed you made me laugh saying that if your ex wasn't dead you'd swear I was married to him. OMG are you telling me that there are more out there just like this!! And your 100% spot on about him believing that there is nothing wrong with HIM. Taking him to therapy would be like p***ing in the wind. He would also manage to make me look like I am the one with the mental problems as he always does. Amazing how these people can fool others into believing that they are the epitomy of a well balanced, emotionally stable individual and any problems have to be with the other person. Smart, cunning, manipulative and so full of themselves it's nauseating. Life's school has taught me well in realising that what you see is not what you get. I hope I can pass on the knowledge to my kids and make sure that they never get themselves into a dysfunctional relationship.

And you know what? EVERYBODY thought we had the greatest marriage! They thought he was a great guy -- UNTIL they spent a reasonable amount of time with him, and then they realized what a jerk he really was. But i got so TIRED of people telling me what a "sweetheart" he was. My God, I wanted to punch them in the mouth if they said it one more time! LOL

And then there were my parents -- OMG -- he had them SNOW=BALLED something terrible!! What an actor he was!! I tried to tell my mother what REALLY was going on, and she thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Once again, i wanted to punch her, the ole bat! LOL How could she NOT believe her own daughter??? I never exaggerated either. Seemed like I couldn't get anyone to believe me. UNTIL.......

I divorced him, and ALL sorts of people came around and said, "how could you stand him for 26 years??? What made you stay so long? How did you do it? yadayadayada. Where in the heck were THEY when I needed them? ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

Jannaku, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I feel for you and know the kind of torture you are forced to deal with. I have no words of advice. I have none to give in reguards to men. Just know that I am listening and that I care and there are others here who care and will listen. Right now letting us all be here for you to listen and pray is all the help we can offer. Hang in there. I'll be thinking about you.

Oh Leeds I can relate to everything you say +++ with the exception that my mother lives with us and knows only too well what an obnoxious, self inflated, nasty person he is. Needless to say she does NOT like him and merely tolerates him out of necessity. My H does not like her either because she speaks her mind and he is powerless to be able to do anything - can't talk like crap to her, can't control and dominate an old lady, etc. That's why he doesn't like her. He only likes those he has hoodwinked and those he can control. Everyone else is a thorn in his side. I have one girlfriend like a sister that has been around our family for 25 years and she is the only person outside that knows what he is like. Other than that everyone else thinks he is a wonderful, warm, kind hearted, generous, soft, caring individual. AAARRRGGGGHHH is exactly how I feel as well. Congrats Leed on divorcing him that must have given you so much satisfaction !! even though I am sure he believed that it was all your fault that the marriage disintergrated. You've given me light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks