[DLWest]

Something is bothering me about my marriage and I need some help (advise, support, ideas?) dealing with it. My husband has many of the symptoms of Aspergers and it tends to play into my BPD. I keep trying to keep the 2 separate in my head, but it's confusing most of the time. I'm actually a fairly smart person, but this is getting to me.
His most classic symptom is the social disconnection and that includes our marriage. I know he loves me, but he can't see that I need him to show it. Last night we fought about me needing him to compliment me, or even touch me without me demanding it constantly. His thought on the compliment thing was..." I told you 2 months ago that you look good in that new shirt you bought. That should tell you enough."
I started crying and left the room.

[Leed]

Has he always been lackiing on compliments? Did he ever touch or caress you or hug you before or is this a recent thing? Some guys just aren't the kind to give compliments or to be the "touchy/feely" types. Was he that was before you got married, or was it only after you got married? Some guys believe it or not, figurre that after they're married they don't have to do those things anymore. Go figure.

Maybe a lesson in how to keep the marriage alive is called for, huh? You could just tell him what you need, cause he's not a mind-reader. He might think that things are just fine the way they are. Guys aren't always sensitive to our needs and we have to tell them. Now, whether or not he has Aspergers I couldn't tell you -- you'd have to have him professionally analyzed. But it couldn't hurt to just talk to him and see if that helps.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Hi DLWest - I agree pretty much with Leed, if he's always been this way i think you need to reexamine your expectations of the relationship - some men are just more silent, but im sure there are plenty of things about him you love and admire otherwise why would you be with him? Perhaps just state that sometimes you'd like him to be more open about how he feels - and perhaps that could extend beyond just giving compliments etc Maybe ask yourself why you need this sort of reassurance - do you think this is simply a symptom of your disorder that needs addressing or is it that you feel your husband doesn't quite see you in the same way anymore? We all feel the need to be loved and i think communication goes hand in hand with that. After all this man is your husband, even if he simply isn't the type or has aspergers theres no reason why he can't be a bit more expressive of his feelings from time to time. Why would he not want to express such things? Hope ive been helpful.

[jelly-bean]

I was with someone just like that for a very long time. I was brought up with hugs and love. His mother was schizophrenic and abusive to the extreme. He did not get hugs and kisses and love growing up. As a result, he did not know how to give it to others or even realize that other people needed or wanted it. In all the years we were together I could not get him to change. He was what he was and I accepted that but in retrospect, I should have moved on and found what I wanted and deserved to have. The point is, maybe your husband just doesn't know how to give you what you want and he is NOT going to change. You just have to learn to accept it. He was that way when you married him and you loved him. Remember the things you love about him and just try to not expect from him things that he can't or won't say or do.

Hi.
He may not even have Aspergers, my partner is the same way. I feel like I have to ask for affection. BUT, I also have BPD. I agree with what jelly says, try to remember the affectionate things he's done and the compliments he's given that have made you feel extraordinary. We people with BPD have a hard time integrating, so we have a hard time looking back and seeing what was right...we focus on what's wrong with the picture. BPDs also tend to need more reassurance and validation than others...I know this for a fact. We crave constant approval, and who else to give it to us than our most beloved?

I would suggest to look at your relationship, yes, but also perhaps talk about it gently and lovingly with him. Try to integrate the past into the present, remember when he was loving and affectionate? Remember how those compliments made you feel?
Also, a thing that can reap massive growth is, compliment yourself! Compliment him! When we give more, we'll often get it back tenfold.

If he does have Aspergers he will need to be queued to do certain things (my son has it and has to be prompted), if it doesn't hurt his feelings tell him you'll each say something nice about eachother, ready set go. There are ways to get your needs fullfilled, it may not always be the way you want them to be, but they can be met nonetheless.

Again, I relate to what you're going through, a lot. I know that the majority of my wants and needs come from my BPD...it's that immeasurable amount of validation/reassurance. I think this can be overcome via mindfulness and integration..if we look at how they've treated us when they were treating us really well, we can have that memory with us and bring it up for our own validation when necessary.
Best wishes.

[Perna]

We can only really work on ourselves and changing ourselves, not other people. If I were you, I would work on my self esteem so I did not need so many compliments from others? You should be quite content with your own abilities and choices ("I really like this dress; it shows off my legs well and makes me look thinner which I like after all my hard work dieting!") and there is often a natural flow (hug and kiss one's husband because you are feeling loving and he hugs and kisses back because he loves how it feels :-) when we practice and show the behavior we like to see in others.