How to forgive a friend who has hurt you badly

Hi Everyone!

I am new to the forums and this is my first post. My way of introduction let me say that I am 32 and my main diagnosis is major depression. I also have anxiety, but I only take medication for the depression. I enjoy my job a lot because I get to help people. For fun I like to be with friends and I have friends that are good people.

A friend recommended this forum to me and I had a question that I thought maybe you could help me with. I did a little looking around and I couldn’t find a question that has a similar to the situation I am dealing with. I have asked a few of my friends for help, and while what they told me has been useful I still have questions.

Six months ago I switched companies but I am in the same profession. When I switched companies I learned that the employees were very cliquish but one lady is what I would call different or eccentric and as soon as I started she took a liking to me. She helped me out and showed me the ropes right away. She did many favors she me. She wanted to be friends even though she is actually thirty years older than me. She was very nice and sweet. She does a lot of volunteer work and goes out of her way to help everyone.

But then I realized that she lies all the time. She lies about her past and she lies about being sick. She has a different health problem all the time but she never misses work. I don’t question people about sickness but she just has too much wrong with her to be realistic and since she lies about lots of other things its hard to believe her about the illnesses too.

When I found out she lies I felt very very betrayed and hurt. I suddenly didn’t like her anymore but we still hung out with eachother. I felt angry that she would lie to me so much. But then I found out some things about her life that I know are true (I did research online. I am good at researching about people) that are very sad and she told me she was abused a lot when she was a child. I don’t know why but I believe that she was abused because of other details that are true. Some of the stories are horrible but I don’t want to tell details or anything. I don’t think her mother loved her or she was too overwhelmed to provide her a stable life. I talked to one of my friends about this lady and my friend who studied psychology said she couldn’t diagnosis her but said she exhibits some signs of a personality disorder like she doesn’t have good boundaries with other people and she does things for attention like the sickness and lies to make her life seem more interesting. My friend also said this lady probably does nice and giving things so much so people with like her and approve of her.

I am still hurt very much by this because I really looked up to her and I almost saw her like an aunt that would look out for me. But now I think maybe she only does nice things for me so I will like her and approve of her and that is hurtful that she isn’t genuine. And she makes up that she is sick so people feel sorry for her.

I don’t know what to do. I am having a lot of trouble forgiving her. I didn’t find all this out until a month ago and I haven’t confronted her but its been bothering me a lot. I don’t think she meant to hurt me but she did. Sometimes I wonder if she can help the lying because she must know lying is wrong and still does it I had a hard childhood too and I have worked to get over it in my life. This lady is in her sixties and is still acting like this.

My friend who said she might have a personality disorder also said that it is not her fault and that she didn’t asked to be abused as a child and that maybe she has done the best she could.

I want to forgive her really badly and go back to the way things were before. But I feel like our friendship can’t ever be the same and isn’t even a real friendship.

Can someone tell me if you think she lies on purpose and also how I can find a way to forgive her?

Please try to forgive this poor woman. She obviously has a mental disorder, and I'm sure she hasn't chosen to live like this. I would imagine she lives in fear of being "found out" one day -- and for you to CONFRONT her might send her over the edge!!!

What harm is she doing to you? These stories she's telling do you NO harm at all. None. So what is the big deal? You can decide to accept them as true or not. But try to be a friend to her as she seems like a very giving person, and I really doubt that it's ALL because she's trying to "buy" someone's friendship. I just don't believe that. I believe that she IS basically a good person and much of this giving is from the heart.

So what would you do if someone confronted you and called you a liar?
I would guess that you would be extremely upset to say the least. It sounds like this lady has had a rough life, so I say leave her alone, and just try to either be her friend, or dump her -- which would of course hurt her, but if you can't abide by her stories then stay away from her. But I don't think she means to hurt anyone.

I wish you the very best! Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Hiding her past is maybe her way of not being proud of it or she's ashamed of it. I don't like liars either so I can understand your unwilling to trust this woman. See how things continue and if you don't feel right about her then you could just keep her strictly as a work friend and nothing more. You don't have to hang out with her outside of work either.

It is hard to explain but for some reason the fact she can't help it makes it worse for me.

I KNOW I shouldn't be angry with her and I KNOW I should have empathy because she has a mental illness. And I feel so guilty about not being able to forgive her.

I also feel bad because she knows that I am mentally ill (she even knows I have been hospitalized) and that has never stopped her from wanting to be my friend and she has never judged me for it -- at least to my face. And I am judging her for being mentally ill basically.

Lying makes it hard to have empathy for someone but I try to remember people don't wake up one day and decide to be compulsive liars. I think her childhood was very traumatizing.

shooting4stars,

Have you tried looking at it like this: We all have problems. Some of us can't stand certain people for an unknown reason. Perhaps we've had negative experiences with types of people before, which leaves us with a little tension towards others with similarities in personality type. I'd look at your personal background, to see if you've had similar relationships before that became very painful for you somewhere along the way.

Personally, I've known all of my life that my brother is narcissistic. I resent him for lots of abuse that he did to me & other women throughout life. The fact that my mom is very similar to my brother went unnoticed until last week! The abuse was different from her, but there has been something deeply negative between my mom and I once I started learning about psychology. As time passed, I just couldn't stand her anymore!

She's in her early 60's as well. And, yeah, she had a crummy life in many ways. Abused physically and emotionally as a child ~ then married a man who abused her and had a child with him. Back then, the church demanded that you stay with your man...being beaten or not, her job was to stay. Which she did, until her hub started hitting her son. That was the end of their marriage. Very sad...I feel for her on many levels! But, I can't get myself to let go of the resentment that built between us, as she made some BIG mistakes in my childhood. I especially become furious with her for going on and on about knowing (you name it). It just bugs the hell out of me!! How cruel that both she and my brother are unwilling and unable to apologize to me for their mistakes that occurred years ago & I've been suffering ever since then. My childhood wasn't easy either (I have BPD) & if they're unwilling to look at that aspect, and realize that they held some responsibility, than I have to let go of them. Because it's too painful for me to keep holding onto the hope that they'll some day say, "sorry".

I hope that puts the issue into a different perspective for you & makes things more clear on why/how this issue is difficult for you to accept.